i guess lol. it took me like 10 minutes to find the post new thread button because my brain is suddenly fried. wtg me. everyone's got one of these so i thought i'd try even tho typing out this stuff feels weird and embarrassing and it'd never helped before but we'll see. figured it coulldn't hurt to have a little place to rrrrrrrrr at things or whatever. i finally got my autism assessment moved from july to this monday the 16th! waiting this long has been weighing on me and driving me nuts. i've just got a small section of the forms to finish filling out and i'm good to go. the appt is at 7:30 AM tho so lol we'll see.......... i'm not a morning person. in other news i still have not been feeling like doing art lately, but big surprise there, it's been like two or three years since i've wanted to. school detroyed any interest i had in art whoops. @Enzel and i went to ikea twice this week and got a bunch of nice furniture. i was thinking a change of environment would help, esp if i chose my furniture and not my mom just dumping furniture and stuff on me she gets for free at the take-it-or-leave-it at our local dump. so i've now got a nice new set up and i'm already feeling pretty good about it. woke up pumped, ready to put the last of it together. so when i was cleaning out the rest of my room to make space for everything yesterday, i found my whiteboard on the floor in the corner, and in little 6 year old kiddie scrawl it said "A and N were in your room (misspelled version of my name here)". For some history, my brother's and cousin's kids come over a lot, and for a long time they would joke about coming into my room to my face when im not there. they'd boast about how they went in, moved things around etc. this happened on separate occasions, they think its funny. i've talked to them about it, told them not to, they still do it. i've talked to their parents and they still do it (i'm guessing the parents didnt actually reprimand them, and that's a symptom of this generation's lack of parenting/disciplining skills). but this white board was the proof i needed that wasn't the kids just jokingly telling me they did something. i even had one of the kids go "i went in your room" and then when i said "i'm telling your mom" he started to backpedal like mad and went "i was lying!!". either way, its wrong kid. jfc. so i go bring it up to my mom, be like heres the proof you wanted. please talk to their parents because they wont listen to me. and she's like 'N (her grandkid) wouldn't do something like that!' ... white board says otherwise, unless A decided to just. add N's name. 'she wouldn't do that because she scared of you'. and at first im just a little blindsided at that. why would she say that? becuase i get along just fine with N when we spend time alone. we have fun, we laugh, we draw and tell stories and play pretend. I get along with her little brother C, too. he gets all excited wehn i come in the room. these kids aren't scared of me. N is naturally a nervous/quiet/conflict avoidant person, so i can see her getting wary when my mom and i are together in the same room. who wouldn't be?? i am. my mom and i fight all the time because i try to communicate with her about something, but she just brushes it off as stupid, or not important, or she has something more worth her time so she walks off halfway through me trying to explain that something's upsetting me (usually something she did). so then i'll get annoyed and try to make her listen, but i keep my voice low around the kids. and if my mom gets back into the Kiddie Safe Zone, where they're in her immediate area, i just walk away becuase i don't want to yell around them. because i like them, and i DON'T want to scare them. and again, they seem fine one on one with me. they even come over to to me to hang out. but again, my mom has this weird habit of telling me things like 'so-and-so is scared of you' or 'x family member thinks you hate them (because you never come downstairs during parties with over 10 people)'. she's called me 'witch', 'bitch', a 'monster'. she turns my begging for help into 'i'm doing my best! i guess i failed as a parent! i'm at my wits end i don't know what to do anymore!' and i'll be talking generally about something, and she'll take it as a personal attack against her. she'll split to hell and back. i've been looking into autism diagnosis, i've been having trouble with getting/keeping a job on normal terms. i need accomodations. i needed them in school, i had them in school. but for some reason they wont carry over to work lmao. but, either way, i said 'i'm sorry, but i might be completely unable to do some of these things. ever.' and she responded 'well i know disabled people who can do those things'. i ....... am just so done. i feel like smacking my head on a wall, like screaming into a pillow, ripping my hair out, like disappearing or running away. i don't even know what to do. im tired lol. i just want my bagel now. but i dont want to go downstairs in case i DO scare N by showing up in the kitchen. -____- i guess i should just start building the rest of my furniture. maybe it'll help me calm down.