aki's flailing at the world thread

i guess lol.

it took me like 10 minutes to find the post new thread button because my brain is suddenly fried. wtg me.
everyone's got one of these so i thought i'd try even tho typing out this stuff feels weird and embarrassing and it'd never helped before but we'll see. figured it coulldn't hurt to have a little place to rrrrrrrrr at things or whatever.

i finally got my autism assessment moved from july to this monday the 16th! waiting this long has been weighing on me and driving me nuts. i've just got a small section of the forms to finish filling out and i'm good to go. the appt is at 7:30 AM tho so lol we'll see.......... i'm not a morning person.

in other news i still have not been feeling like doing art lately, but big surprise there, it's been like two or three years since i've wanted to. school detroyed any interest i had in art whoops.

@Enzel and i went to ikea twice this week and got a bunch of nice furniture. i was thinking a change of environment would help, esp if i chose my furniture and not my mom just dumping furniture and stuff on me she gets for free at the take-it-or-leave-it at our local dump. so i've now got a nice new set up and i'm already feeling pretty good about it. woke up pumped, ready to put the last of it together.

so when i was cleaning out the rest of my room to make space for everything yesterday, i found my whiteboard on the floor in the corner, and in little 6 year old kiddie scrawl it said "A and N were in your room (misspelled version of my name here)".

For some history, my brother's and cousin's kids come over a lot, and for a long time they would joke about coming into my room to my face when im not there. they'd boast about how they went in, moved things around etc. this happened on separate occasions, they think its funny. i've talked to them about it, told them not to, they still do it. i've talked to their parents and they still do it (i'm guessing the parents didnt actually reprimand them, and that's a symptom of this generation's lack of parenting/disciplining skills).

but this white board was the proof i needed that wasn't the kids just jokingly telling me they did something. i even had one of the kids go "i went in your room" and then when i said "i'm telling your mom" he started to backpedal like mad and went "i was lying!!". either way, its wrong kid. jfc.

so i go bring it up to my mom, be like heres the proof you wanted. please talk to their parents because they wont listen to me. and she's like 'N (her grandkid) wouldn't do something like that!' ... white board says otherwise, unless A decided to just. add N's name. 'she wouldn't do that because she scared of you'.

and at first im just a little blindsided at that. why would she say that? becuase i get along just fine with N when we spend time alone. we have fun, we laugh, we draw and tell stories and play pretend. I get along with her little brother C, too. he gets all excited wehn i come in the room. these kids aren't scared of me.

N is naturally a nervous/quiet/conflict avoidant person, so i can see her getting wary when my mom and i are together in the same room. who wouldn't be?? i am.

my mom and i fight all the time because i try to communicate with her about something, but she just brushes it off as stupid, or not important, or she has something more worth her time so she walks off halfway through me trying to explain that something's upsetting me (usually something she did). so then i'll get annoyed and try to make her listen, but i keep my voice low around the kids. and if my mom gets back into the Kiddie Safe Zone, where they're in her immediate area, i just walk away becuase i don't want to yell around them. because i like them, and i DON'T want to scare them. and again, they seem fine one on one with me. they even come over to to me to hang out.

but again, my mom has this weird habit of telling me things like 'so-and-so is scared of you' or 'x family member thinks you hate them (because you never come downstairs during parties with over 10 people)'. she's called me 'witch', 'bitch', a 'monster'. she turns my begging for help into 'i'm doing my best! i guess i failed as a parent! i'm at my wits end i don't know what to do anymore!' and i'll be talking generally about something, and she'll take it as a personal attack against her. she'll split to hell and back.

i've been looking into autism diagnosis, i've been having trouble with getting/keeping a job on normal terms. i need accomodations. i needed them in school, i had them in school. but for some reason they wont carry over to work lmao. but, either way, i said 'i'm sorry, but i might be completely unable to do some of these things. ever.' and she responded 'well i know disabled people who can do those things'.

i .......

am just so done. i feel like smacking my head on a wall, like screaming into a pillow, ripping my hair out, like disappearing or running away.

i don't even know what to do. im tired lol.

i just want my bagel now. but i dont want to go downstairs in case i DO scare N by showing up in the kitchen. -____-


i guess i should just start building the rest of my furniture. maybe it'll help me calm down.

 

witnessed. I definitely feel the "donut TOUCH MY STUFF fFf" business. My lil sis always did.

Getting a diagnosis is such a big step. You're doing great!

 

@Ducks Yeah it drives me nuts. My mom does it too @_@ so much.

I hope the appointment goes smoothly. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. Thanks!

 

Welp, I've no idea how that assessment went at all. The psychiatrist was basically Miranda from The Devil Wears Prada with her responses. "Mm..." "Please elaborate." "Ah, I see." Her voice and demeanor. Either way, I stumbled over my words so much, I probably barely got anything I wanted across. She didnt ask me about much other than my relationships with other people when there was so much else I wanted to bring up like my stimming, and my hitting my head on walls when I'm frustrated, or the fact I walked late as a kid or I have weird sensory issues or have meltdowns all the time. I just left her with a list of all that stuff attached to a printout of the DSM-V and all I can do is hope for the best.

Idk if it was gendered or something, but I certainly am not my relationships. That does not define anything about my experience because I DON'T CARE. My relationship (general) experiences don't mean much to me at all. It's all the other stuff that affects my life that's relevant.

The more I did that assessment, the sillier I felt for even being there getting it. But in the long run, I'm still the same person, with the same problems I had before it, which is frustrating because all those things point towards an ASD diagnosis. So now I'm just antsy about actually GETTING the diagnosis. It felt like she didn't think I was autistic, but because nothing she said was definitive I can't be sure until the actual appointment a month from now. @_@

I got up early for this appointment. At least I got a yummy sandwich from the local shop and then took a nap. I'm gonna play some FFXIV and clean a bit. Maybe it'll help me worry less.

 

Hopefully she was trying not to feed you answers or influence you at all. Good job getting there and doing it all :3

 

[[tbh the human interface for this forum software is dreadful and I have problems finding the "make new thread" button, too]]

 

@Ducks yeah I was thinking/hoping that too. The "Miranda" tone is what made it sound really indifferent/judge-y is all so I was like ??? am i in a movie where nothing i do is good enough? XD

@rigorist it could certainly be easier lol

 

Wow I was not aware that I was having a bad brain day until I realised I forgot my pot of water was boiling on my stove. Twice. And I forgot to set my alarm. Twice. And It's been four hours and I still haven't succeeded in making/eating the food I'd intended to make. ... and I like cooking.

Way to go me.

 

Honestly I don't even give a crap if this is outing my other account at this point, I'm pissed and upset enough. Not like there's a reason for having a sock other than I liked the name I made for it more than my original one anyway.

Today started out great, but sort of fucking delved at lightspeed into the hidden 10th level of hell.

So I went to get my results talk from the person who did my autism assessment and they basically told me I am "normal with a few quirks" and that suggesting I might have an Unspecified Neurodevelpmental Disorder is the best they could do. Because I didn't fit into any of the "neat boxes that are outlined in the DSM-V". They couldn't even't DIAGNOSE me for SURE with that. And here I am, having struggled all my life with all these problems that the disagnostic criteria for ASD covered almost perfectly and the autistic people I related to more than anyone else in the world and made me feel like I finally made sense. They didn't even think I could fit any OTHER diagnosis and THAT'S what feels like a punch to the gut. I've looked at other disorders and conditions etc to see if other things might fit, and all I learned was that I doubted I have ADHD at all despite having a diagnosis for it from my childhood.

They agree I don't have ADHD at all, so at least I guess that's nice. To have a professional finally agree with that. I guess. But now I can't use that previous diagnosis for ADHD to get the help I need without feeling like crap because I don't actually have it.

Then they went on to say that I could contact local groups to see if they could still help me, but it was unlikely because I probably need a concrete diagnosis for them to take me seriously. Thanks a-fucking-lot for the "help" guys. I appreciate it.

One of the doctors came after me after I left and basically told me straight up that the "system and insurance company rules are bullshit" (her actual words) because it locks so many people out of getting the help they need. So I guess that's a positive. I like when professionals say the truth about how they feel about things, because at least I know who's actually on my side. So I'm not really mad at the doctors who tested me, because they had their hands tied. The only thing that pissed me off about how they talked to me was they were trying to do the whole "it's good that you don't have a label because it means that you dont have all these other issues which is a GOOD THING" and like. sure man, plenty of people think labels just hold people back from their full potential and take away oppotunities and people get too wrapped up in them... and that's true. Mostly in a perfect world where no one needs labels or descriptors-- but the one thing they ARE useful for? GETTING THE HELP THAT YOU NEED AND CAN'T GET WITHOUT THAT LABEL. Also sense of identity. That too.

They also were saying that the criteria for ASD got more specific and narrow in the DSM-V compared to the DSM-IV which made it even harder to diagnose me. *FLIPS EVERY TABLE*

I guess my next move is to get a job (which I wanted a diagnosis for because I need accomodations) and to look for a therapist who can make a more informed call on me as a person since they can spend more time with my weird-ass self.

"You don't appear to have any social interaction issues, it doesn't seem mechanical, it seems natural and intuitive despite how uncomfortable and unnatural you said it feels to you. Either you dont have these issues or you're an AMAZING actor."

...Did you consider that maybe I'm actually an "amazing actor"?

Idek, I still want to ID as autistic because it still fits but now I just feel gross and terrible about it.

I hate our medical and mental health systems. I'll gladly take the next shuttle to mars please and thank you.

Also this seems small potatoes compared to everything else, but they described me in their report as having described MYSELF as "queer" which is a term I NEVER use for myself, even if technically I may fall into the category (as I am asexual and trans... which is not something I tend to identify myself as even if its technically true). Also described me as Caucasian. Which 1... is innaccurate because I'm not "white", I am mixed, albeit conditionally white-passing... which is something we talked about. and 2. Caucasian isn't even accurate itself because that means people from the caucasus... who are not generally considered white. So even in THAT sense im not Caucasian unless that's where my 'middle eastern' heritage comes from (I'm too mixed to know for sure). Life come the fuck on. Stop shitting on my day.


EDIT: ...and now my cake is soggy.

 

Woo, seebs has fixed my sub account. +1 feel good point for life.

@seebs thanks seebs!

 

and after Seebs' tumblr post about Developmental disorder NOS being what Aspergers used to be, and Aspergers being ASD i am angry again. Because the psychologist made it sound like Developmental disorder NOS isn't ASD or anything important/big in the way of an ASD spectrum diagnosis. They said "Unspecified Neurodevelopmental Disorder" and I asked if Unspecified was the same as NOS and they told me it is. So now I'm angry because in hindsight I realised they essentially said I'm "autistic but but not autistic enough". and continued to invalidate what I felt by saying I was normal, and that whatever difficulties/symptoms I had weren't from ASD. ...but they were enough to give me Developmental disorder NOS lmao. nice one guys.

So I guess I am autistic. Andd most assuredly would be if I'd gotten my diagnosis a few years ago instead of right now.
But now I gotta get an even MORE official diagnosis because this fucking report basically was a whole long essay about how i had no observable symptoms of ASD but probably qualified for Dev disorder NOS (as my official diagnosis).

you want observable symptoms, docs? How about me hitting my head on a wall in frustration when I got home from your invalidating diagnostic meeting?!?!

IM SO ANGRY. ARGH.

 

So I got an email last night from my pcp and he was like "I got the results from your ASD testing, would you like to discuss them further" and i told him that i was disappointed in how they didnt listen to me and that their report didn't feel very accurate to what we talked about and he responded this morning with "their report seems pretty thorough but we can still talk about it". and lmao the report is not thorough at all. its like 1/3 the size of any other report I've ever gotten for psych testing or therapy, and all of it glossed over everything we even talked about while i was in the office getting tested. So that email has just ruined my mood.

i've been thinking about all the times dr's havent given me any serious thought to my problems in my lifetime and im like i would not be surprised if this is the same.

argh i just feel so gross thinking about the stuff that happened with this assessment.

 

"Me: What would you have done if you had adopted a visibly disabled child instead.
Mom: It would've been easier. "

I'm out.

 

Today is a piece of shit. Trying to explain executive dysfunction is a pain in the fucking ass to someone who knows you've had it your whole life but wont accept it.
I need to accomplish major goals one step at a time. I don't think she gets that the process of learning to drive/getting my license and getting a job are two things that need to be dealt with separately.
She just thinks I'm a 'normal' person being lazy and not wanting to work. But in reality, a 'normal' person would probably have a job two years ago after graduating university.

 

I hate when i try to share something exciting and rewarding and empowering that just happened with my mom but when i do I end up just feeling worse about myself. You'd think I'd learn to keep shit to myself.

 

Taking care of mai old laydee Helen again. I love and hate living in this house while I do it. Everything's gross, none of the dishes or glasses or pots are ever clean and the water is borderline undrinkable. I always have to haul two giant packs of bottled water with me when i come here in order to function. And the living conditions are kind of gross and sticky because one but me ever cleans up after Helen, so it just gets cake-y and piles up on random surfaces in the house. Other than that, being here is great, because i can recharge without my parents being around.

I managed to read more than halfway through this driving manual so far. This is pretty awesome tbh. Reading is super hard for me, esp if its not that interesting. I think ill be able to finish it before I go home in two days, so I can focus on studying for the permit test. I know more of this stuff than I thought I did, which will make learning the rest of it easier since i don't have to put as much brain power into memorizing things. and actually applying it to when im driving will be more automatic/second nature.

I do want to start looking for a job again, but it's hard because there're so many environments where it just wont work out. And if I do get the job there, I'll quickly either hate everything or get fired or both. So I gotta make a list of things when i get home. Also, I need to get off my ass and fix up my resume a little bit just so I can send it in right away when i apply places.

The one thing that I realized I don't have to worry about is unemployment on my resume, simply because I do work... it's just unconventional work, but it's consistent work. So there won't be a gap in my resume, I wont be asked what i've been doing all this time. I've been working. lmao. That's motivating at least. I just have such... scattered skills, that if I just apply relevant ones to various employers, it'll look sparse. But they're good and specialized skills that are an asset at least.

Unrelated, I have to get back into doing a little art per day. I have to get my portfolio back on track. I just bought a huge box of sakura gel pens. They are beautiful. I have no excuse to not be making art. I'm excited to make it but it's just difficult starting something. When I get back home I'll finish cleaning my room and start a new art project. I might do something more hands on, rather than illustration based. It'll keep me interested.

Other than that, I need to set up a doctors appointment to talk about those pesky dang autism assessment results that arent even accurate to the conversation I had with the psychiatrist. I mean, I found out after poking around the Autistic community on tumblr and elsewhere, that I really need a specialist. Which she was not. Especially because I'm afab and have learned good SOCIAL coping mechanisms. I can 'pass' okay unless I'm tired or frustrated or low on spoons or something. The good news is, even if that fell through, I forgot my best friend's mom is a really great, understanding Special ed teacher who has a lot of specialist contacts. Best friend said he'd ask her for recommendations for me based on the afab socialization thing. And he'd make sure they specialize in autism. So that's looking good. But back to my dr. I have to also bring up the possibility of having a digestive issue. I've been super fatigued despite getting a lot of sleep lately. Its hard to eat well at home, so a lot of times I eat super gluten-y foods because that's all there is... and finally my abdomen has started hurting two nights ago when I was trying to get to sleep. I was really pain-y and nauseous... but in hindsight i think the nausea was because of the pain. And after that night, my stomach has been hurting (less so than that night) more after I've eating something gluten-y. like its gotten to be a consistent sore pain. so yeah... gotta get on that.

All and all, things have been ok the past few days which is great. I can recharge a bit, get things done that i normally cant lol. hopefully itll stay like that for a bit. we'll see.

 

I feel yuck today, but I don't feel like complaining. I feel like motivating myself to get stuff done while im feeling yuck so that when i feel better i dont have shit that makes me feel yuck looming over my head. SO. Motivation:

If i read my drivers manual = studying = knowing things = doing well on permit test = can learn to drive = git gud at driving = take test = lisence = can drive = able to get to a longer distance job = more job options.
with more job options i can = have less people to deal with = more energy to do things = do a better job = better pay = better living conditions
better living conditions + car = cheaper and bigger apartment outside of city = saving money = buy nice things = long term goal of buying a house = yes good my own space = independent living and supporting myself

So therefore: endgoal of supporting self successfully = finish reading my drivers manual

Spoiler: HOME IDEAS, visuals for my future are great motivation

I WANT A CONSERVATORY ROOM MADE OF WINDOWS OMG... this would be so great, esp if its raining. ahhh so calming and refreshing nnnnn\\


I need a sexy looking kitchen for maximum cooking inspiration omg ;___; that counter space yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyesssssssss so much marble and light nnnnhg


Backyard and porch space I need one D: i need SPACEmore than anything else argh. im not claustrophobic but if a place is too small and i have to be there for a while i start getting depressed.
Closed spaces are what depression feel like to me X_X

also I need to remember to get a slow cooker. Esp before I move out or if I Emergency Moveout it needs to be something i set aside a little money for.

 

I went downstairs to get an update on how the election numbers are going, and i see currently that trump is leading. so i start having a panic attack, crying and expressing to my dad (who voted hillary like everyone else in my family) that im terrified because i fall under many of the minorities trump has targeted before and during his campaign. (Family is white, but im adopted and not white though conditionally white passing-- im mestizx with some middle eastern thrown in hardyhar)... and he responds "you don't have to be terrified. even if he wins it wont be that bad"

how the fuck do you know. jfc.

 

too tired to exist rn.
(dramatic, not gonna do anything, its just how i feel rn X_X)

 

I take it back, Trump won't be the end of me. His followers won't be the end of me. My own family will be. I'm not scared of a president who hates everything I am at all right now because at least I can count on his hatred, I'm scared of the people who minimize and invalidate everything I'm feeling and tell me I'm not trying hard enough when I only have so much energy left after doing everything they ask.

how could they all fucking support Hillary and not understand why I've made no progress in getting a job in this economy??????? What values made them vote for Hillary if they don't fucking have any understanding of or empathy for people like me. Their own child. This is fucked up.