alex rambles about schizotypal personality disorder

and now, more fun times with stpd:
person: *messages me* hey we haven't talked in forever, I miss you, are you okay?
me: *groaning* oh god not this again, go away

 

man i don't have the spoons to list all of it in a way that makes sense right now but honestly a lot of that list sounds a lot like me, the biggest exception being the limited emotional intensity part (sometimes, anyway--i can try to record my emotional states/intensity at different times but actually remembering them is an idon'tevenknowfuck).

like. it's weird, though, because the rituals don't feel like a thing-to-avoid-bad-things, but more like a thing-to-attract-good-things? and being able/willing to indulge them is usually a sign of better mental health for me, at least as relating to my other issues?

like, if i'm having a horrible depression/ADHD/selfcare/overstimulation/time abyss/etc day i might be aware 'oh yeah, it's 4:44... i happened to look then... cool...' but if i'm having a better day my inclination is more 'oh man i looked at the clock right at 4:44, good stuff's gonna happen this evening!!!' which gives me the benefit of a self-fulfilling prophecy if nothing else. weird rituals mostly have positive connotations for me, and essentially if i can't be arsed to care about a ritual it's because i'm having a day where good things feel pointless.

like... on the one hand i feel like it might not be a good idea to encourage them, and i don't try to exactly? more like i try to assign a 'significant' moment to my brain trying to remind me of something i should be taking care of. so instead of thinking 'oh fuck i looked at the clock at 3:33 i'm gonna get in a fight with someone today shit fuck shit' i try to make it 'okay i looked at the clock at 3:33 and noticed that i did, is there anyone i'm upset at or who i feel like has a grievance with me? have i been ignoring or dreading that? what can i do about it?'

tl;dr i personally try to combat 'signs from the universe' feelings by assigning my own meaning to a sign... or rather, to the fact that i'm noticing it, and what's usually going on in my head if i'm noticing it. or at the very least using them as a free reminder to do self-care checks. i dunno, that got rambly sorry

 

oh god it's meeeeeeeeeee