Vent Back to your regularly scheduled wine&cheese tasting

Me: "I am ending all contact, and all attempts from your side to initiate contact will be handled as harassment"
My parents: call immediately

 

The package of junk that technically belongs to egg donor was returned to sender. I tried, I guess.

It's days like these I'm glad literally everyone else in my family has been on to egg donor's bullshit since the beginning and they're not going to turn into flying monkeys.

 

Contents of the package of junk:
Towels and a snuggie in her colours "for her to use when she visits me"
A pair of flats she doesn't wear anymore and that she foisted off to me because I liked them
A video game she actually asked me to return.

shrug.emoji

I guess I know what I'm going to play after I'm done with my other LPs, I guess. It's a good game.

 

I'm glad you at least have a new videogame :(

 

Slept without cuddling Nastrovya the platypus last night. She keeps me from thinking about egg donor, so the thought spirals were back in full force today all day.

I might need to glue her to my face or something...

 

Tessa's getting better about not slipping down to the floor while I sleep. I kinda love that we both have weird Australian animals as comfort objects :)

 

Me and Loki.
Or something.

My first knowledge of Loki came from my father, who had implemented that deity into one of his pen&paper settings. A deity of shenanigans, only caring for himself. A creature you do not wish to call upon. An entity whose attention you do not wish to draw upon you.
Someone who only cares that they laugh.

Intellectually, I also knew Loki as the God of Genderfuckery.
I heard the damn call. Something was drawing me to them, and I kept resisting. Because shenanigans only cares for their own self.

And then I understood.
It literally just hit me 10 minutes ago.

That's wrong.

Trickster deities show you yourself in a mirror. They are justice where the law fails. They are sneaky, and they are pranksters, but not inherently malicious. And there is an inherent selfishness, but its result - rarely its goal, but its result - is... not enlightenment. But maybe understanding. The trickster shows you the chips in your armour and the things you are closing your eyes from.

Attributing inherent maliciousness to the trickster is based in an inherent conservative misunderstanding of the trickster itself. Which they probably think is hilarious because it's so godsdamned stupid, and it probably takes a lot to make the trickster cry (even from laughter, they've seen some shit and probably caused a good deal of it)

My father is, no matter how progressive he paints himself, a conservative. Not your bible thumping southern baptist kind of conservative and he sure as hell wouldn't vote Trump, but a conservative nonetheless.
And thus he cannot understand the trickster.

(I mean, neither can I probably, because in the end the trickster can probably never be fully understood as that would make the whole thing moot. Or the trickster is like the world -- when they are fully understood, they are immediately replaced with something infinitely more complicated)

When you call upon the trickster you need to be able to think quick because no amount of preparation will save you, and they will come see who has called upon them, and they will poke and prod the cracks in your armour, but they will not gouge them out.
(In a way, they care more than all the others)
And the trickster's call is daunting, but I'm going to try and stop refusing it.

I was about to say something about me being too damn stupid and honest to make a good trickster, and I am. Can't use the standard tactics. And that's alright because no one will see it coming. I need to do it in my own, selfish style. Because it is about your Self. You pit your Self against someone else and see what comes of it. Make them start thinking. But that's not the goal, just a good result. The goal is to see what happens.


There are things that are rooted in all of this.

The joy from a good/horrible/godsawful pun, and from pun battles.

The absence of dysphoria when people are thoroughly confused about my gender.

The make-believe of the Squiddles TV series and Eurovision as "Who rules Europe for the next year?". Those two are specific examples of a thing I'm not exactly sure what it is yet, but it's a mixture of community, flashmob, and trolling.


Causing distress is the sign of having gone too far. Laughing at someone else's pain is despicable.


But I gotta start walking at some point.

Less planning, more doing. Learning from mistakes as you go.

It's alright to make mistakes, because you can laugh at yourself later.

More feeling.

Because the best stuff comes from spur of the moment decisions.

 

Maybe it's me who misunderstood.

Although the Trickster's not caring is more of a "no skin off my back", I think.

(I also look at the people who are commonly referred to as modern Tricksters with the same wonder as everyone else. I know I'm too stupid for that level of well-organized chaos)

(I thonk I'm with Loki for the same reason Angel Sanctuary's Belial spoke to me -- the genderfuckery.
I should've known. The signs were all there...)

 

I love that explanation of a trickster.

 

I got distracted by making and consuming food, but I made and consumed food. ... Followed about 50% of the recipe but it came out tasty.

I also realized I'm kind of like a dog, personality-wise. Cuddly and with difficulties understanding that the people I meet could not be nice. But apparently also clever enough to see the cats who throw shit off high places because they've been told not to, and replicate that.

 

Me: Wants to finally start continuing brushing up on programming skills
My brain: Oh hey look it's a bad brain day and not even the 10mg ritalin pill helps!

Only that every day is bad brain day.

Fuck. That's depression, isn't it?

 

kinda maybe :c time to poke a doctor about this?

 

Summer's always bad.
I don't know what triggers it, but the thoughts keep rotating.

Because the only times I existed for my egg donor was when she needed attention. Be that when she wanted accolades for an idea (that only ever happened when I was talking to sperm donor, because how dare we pay attention to someone other than her), a dress up doll, or someone to scream at. Or if she needed me to do something for her.

Is there a functional difference between untreated BPD with a mad case of FLEAS, and a case of narcissism?

Because the longer I think about it, the more she comes across as a Narc.

I cut off contact. Why can't I let go?

 

It's hard to let go when you're still living with the effects of being around that person. I think letting go is a skill that's learned over time, but not in a linear way - sometimes you make great strides, other times you can't seem to go an hour without thinking about the person. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're ruminating. I think it's just a part of being human.

I'm sorry summer sucks for you.

 

Because it's always hard to cut out a big part of your life like that. It's like a really annoying project that swallows your entire life, even if you're glad you're done with it you still keep thinking about it for a while because it forced itself into your life and mind so often.

 

i feel nauseous
no fever, but like there's air bubbles in my head
like my whole head wants to burp but there's nothing there

helped build a wooden deck in a friend's backyard and i was tired.

probably a bad mixture of sleep deprivation and too many solvents in the air. opened the curtains to get some more air flow. working
it started when i busted out the spray varnish although i held that outside the window. bleh. glue and acrylic colours too.

it's clearing up a little now that i moved all that stuff away and got more air circulation, but i still feel shitty.

bleh.

 

scratch that, suddenly feel like puking

pressure in my upper back neck area.

... could also have been the couch i slept on last night, that thing was somehow even harder than my futon.

or there's a big weather change coming. gonna check the forecast in a second.

doesnt explain the nausea though

 

it's supposed to rain tomorrow?

but unless we actually get a thunderstorm the reaction is too big

 

Have you got a fever? I´m Concern.

 

no fever. undertongue thermometer says 36.2