Vent Back to your regularly scheduled wine&cheese tasting

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by winterykite, Feb 18, 2016.

  1. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    so for my bday i dug up torchlight 2 again, and theres a tileset i vividly remember. a lit of green and water and overgrown ruin like dungeons. reminds me a but of maraudon if that had night elf ruins instead of being a cave.

    it's not in acts 1 or 2 tho, and i remember getting my ass kicked by act 2 fibal boss so hard i stopped playing, and act 3 feels very alien so ????
    • Like x 1
  2. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    probably torchlight 1 even if i do not actually remember actually playing it?? but you explore the mines under torchlight.

    you really notice its from the diablo 2 team, in tl1 and d1 you head down under the city (mines in tl, a cathedral in d), in tl2 and d2 you chase something evil that came from there across the world, first through yoyr standard middle european region and then through a desert.
    • Like x 1
  3. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    and act 3 through a swamp.
    • Like x 1
  4. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    tl2 act 3 looks a lot like tirisfal, and, considering the werewolves, also the werewolf country in wow even if i firgot the name. gilneas??
  5. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    the mines down to the clockwork core are basically diablo2 act 4 aka hell, you go kill the evil that came from below the first, destroyed, town, which is a corrupted player character from the first game.
    and the levels behind that are basically the world stone dungeon from the lord of destruction expansion, tentacles included.

    but instead of destroying it, you fix it.
  6. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    Ok so a while ago, while we were still in contact, I gave my sperm donor a camera to check what's wrong with it.
    It had disappeared when I wanted to take it back to Berlin due to my sperm donor pushing stuff up, and by that I mean between two people there were at least 7 instances of "I don't like this thing here, let's put it elsewhere" and subsequently got lost in the hoard. I guess it took a while for me to completely lose whatever remaining trust and hope I held in him. Don't worry, that's gone now. It went away when he started on the emotional terrorism train as well. I'd love to call him a bastard, but that would be an insult to my paternal grandmother.

    So it resurfaced, and got sent to me. Right around my birthday, because greatest timing ever. He also sent an email, which I missed, and I refused the delivery.

    And disconnected my land line because I can't block them on there and birthdays are an amazing time to push contact with the people who want you gone from their lives, and I really don't have the time for that.

    So guess who went to my grandmother so he could circumvent that?

    If you guessed: "Kite's entitled spineless ass of a sperm donor", give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself, because ding ding ding.

    At first it was a message from grandma, asking why I refused the package. I responded with

    "I refuse any and all packages and contact, indirect, direct, and through any and all ways, from [dad] and [mom]. I would prefer it if you didn't relay any of them, either."

    At which point the device changed hands and i got a response from the sperm donor, about how it was me who wanted the camera back.

    Bitch, there's a lot of shit I want back, but lo and behold I value a chance at healing higher than the stuff I left.

    I didn't send that one. I said "Ah, father. Do give [grandma] her phone back. I have no interest in communicating with you, and every attempt at contacting me further lowers that interest." And then I blocked her number.

    I will unblock her later today to send an explanation and tell her she's in timeout for a while. It's partially my fault because I didn't tell her, but she gave the thing to him after I expressively told her that I refuse any and all contact from him or his cuntwife through any and all ways.

    I'm going to send that explanation and an explicit reminder wrt not being a flying monkey to everyone in that family. Better get it over with. Anyone who is a flying monkey gets their safe person status permanently removed and put in timeout for a while.
    Not that I'm talking to them much.

    It just hurts so fucking much. Grandma was a safe person. A safe place, away from it. And now that rat took that away from me.

    Of course with the worst spider sense of around my birthday and my moirail being busy with university that I can't even look forward to having them over on sunday to cling to them and cry for a while. It's always when there's a weakness. I just want them gone from my life, is that too much to ask?
    • Witnessed x 3
  7. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    And the WT server completely ignored my birthday either way. Like, I posted about it? And then Aon spammed with something else and it got lost.

    I don't think I've got the spark left for WT. Ivy's gone and I can understand their reasoning and a good part of the fun was from playing together with them. But they've moved on to greener pastures and I'm really glad they did, but whatever they planned together with me also never took off and partially that's like my fault but also. It just never went anywhere, not even a server invite so I could talk to the other people who'd be playing with us.

    And what's left is Aon and Petra with whom I don't really get along because they're so fucking *exhausting*.

    I'm pretty sure there's a way to say "hey you missed that it was my bday on monday" that is not passive-aggressive af but I'm really not feeling it.
    • Witnessed x 1
  8. IvyLB

    IvyLB Hardcore Vigilante Gay Chicken Facilitator

    im so sorry :c -hugs-
    I wish I could help better!!!
  9. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    -hugs if wanted-
  10. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    very much.
    thank you.
    • Like x 1
  11. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    I just ragequit my pathfinder group. Track record today: Has been a while since it was that abysmal, congrats.

    But the next time I hear Mr "BUT TEH RUUUULES" talk I will deck him because he pisses me off that much.

    (Yes, yes, violence against spergs doesn't help, rules are a security blanket. Pathfinder is a shit system in terms of speccing on the fly and adapting, you gotta nail your character concept at the beginning to pick the right sub sub sub hybrid special class to get anywhere and the second I try doing something fun that git is there to cry rules, and then he hogs another fucking hour trying to exploit the system for his gain. I will fucking deck him.)
    • Witnessed x 1
  12. IvyLB

    IvyLB Hardcore Vigilante Gay Chicken Facilitator

    that bad huh
    it's not like the secret identity superhero thing as a hilarious side adventure would have relied on rules at all anyways, or was this about another thing?
  13. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    the point was that there was ways around the rest of us not having the vigilante class and all the associated class features. you have to roll disguise, yes, and we'd have to be somewhat careful and plan a bit, but we're also level fucking 4. spidey started in a hoodie, too.
    it's just blah blah vigilante natural +20 circumstance bonus.
  14. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    ....honestly, i'd be so up for a pathfinder group with vigilantes as a concept but without the class available for taking, or any other damn system, and you have to scramble to make your disguise stick and avoid getting unmasked, and also juggle everything else. the +20 makes it boring.
    • Like x 1
  15. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    you know, actual roleplay, and not rules exploiting and forcing a concept mishmash.
    • Agree x 1
    • Witnessed x 1
  16. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    like literally his first response to my pitch of "what if everyone goes vigilante" was "but we don't have the class feature!"
    as if anything like that is necessary if you're determined enough, fucker.
    • Agree x 1
    • Witnessed x 1
  17. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    tried to go to sleep, and the thought spirals went way out of whack again.
    im reasonably certain that the thing between me and just ending myself is the rage, and i can live with that.

    i hadnt felt like suicide was an option for at least two years, and one exchange and i was right back there. fuckin great.
    spent an hour in a bad thought spiral, tried reading, and then wrote and sent the official dont be fuckin flying monkeys message to the remainders of the blood family.

    under a cut for those of you who speak german.
    Ok. Ich hatte gehofft, dass diese Notiz nicht notwendig ist, aber sie ist es.

    Ich habe Mai 2018 jeglichen und sämtlichen Kontakt mit meinen biologischen Eltern abgebrochen, da ihr fortwährender emotionaler Terrorismus meiner Gesundheit aktiv geschadet hat.

    Bevor irgendjemand auf die Idee kommt, dass der Term eine Überreaktion ist: Mein biologischer Vater war und ist vehement der Auffassung dass es eine akzeptable Handlung ist, dass mir zu drohen, dass sich meine biologische Mutter selbst umbringt und dabei gegebenenfalls Unschuldige mitnimmt wenn ich den Kontakt nicht aufrecht halte.

    Nur fürs Protokoll, das hat sie immer gedroht wenn ihr etwas nicht gepasst hat. Als ich 7 war und heulend in der Ecke gesessen bin während sie geschrien hat dass "[Herbert und ich] erst glücklich sind wenn [sie sich] aus dem Fenster geworfen hat", hat das noch funktioniert.

    Zum eigentlichen Punkt: Indirekter Kontakt wird auch verweigert, genauso wie Pakete. Was auch immer noch in diesem Müllhaufen von Horterhaus zurückgelassen wurde, ich habe mich damit abgefunden. Es ist letztenendes ersetzbar.
    Herbert hat Ami dazu benutzt, um mich hinterrücks zu kontaktieren, nachdem ich ihr gesagt habe, dass ich keinen Kontakt akzeptiere. Dafür ist sie den nächsten Monat im timeout.
    Das gilt auch für dich, solltest du irgendetwas von meinen biologischen Eltern an mich weiterleiten, oder ihnen erlauben, mich über deine Nummer zu kontaktieren.

    Ich habe gestern eine meiner ältesten vertrauten und sicheren Personen verloren. Der Schmerz ist unvorstellbar.
    Ich habe Jahre an Therapie gebraucht um nicht mehr Suizidgefährdet zu sein, und war das mehr als 2 Jahre lang.
    Und ein Austausch, ein Vertrauensbruch, eine Nachricht hin und zurück, und es ist auf einmal wieder eine Option.
    Das ist der Punkt an den mich das gebracht hat. Das ist der Punkt an dem ich stehe. Das ist nichts was ich einfach wegstecken kann. Ich habe nicht die Kraft dazu. (So derart kaputt bin ich psychisch, auch nach Jahren der Therapie. Das haben diese Leute, meine biologischen Eltern mit mir angerichtet. Das Warum ist irrelevant. Relevant ist nur das Das.)

    Es bringt nichts, meinen biologischen Eltern das vor Augen zu führen. Ich habe es versucht. Das Ergebnis ist die Gewissheit, dass meine Gesundheit nebensächlich ist im Vergleich zu ihrem Kontrollzwang und ihrer Auffassung, dass ich ihnen alles Schuldig bin worauf sie grade Laune haben. Dass es mir derart schadet verstehen sie nicht, oder es gibt ihnen ein emotionales High da ihre Handlungen Einfluss auf mich haben.

    Ich habe das für fast 2 Jahrzente im direkten Umfeld und ohne Unterlass gelebt, und nicht verstanden, bis ich die Pathologie recherchiert habe (sowohl auf akademischer Ebene als auch auf sozialer Ebene im Diskurs mit anderen aus ähnlichen Begebenheiten. Die akademische Sicht bietet wenige Vorschläge, wie man als Zielscheibe damit umgeht).

    Keine dieser Sachen steht zur Debatte. Es gibt keinen einzigen Grund dafür, dass ich eine Kontaktaufnahme annehmen würde. Dies gilt explizit und besonders für Feier- und Geburtstage.

    Ich bitte vielmals um Verzeihung falls dir diese Nachricht zu unwirsch formuliert ist -- die Wut hält mich grade aktiv am Leben und derzeit ziehe ich das dem obsessiv Worte kauen damit ja niemand verletzt ist nocht echt vor.

    Falls du dir denkst: Warum musste das um 5 Uhr morgens sein??
    Ich habe 10 Stunden gebraucht, um von der emotionalen Achterbahn runterzukommen, dann war es 2. Dann habe ich weiter self care betrieben und wollte um 3 dann auch wirklich schlafen gehen. Die nächste Stunde ging wieder im gleichen Ton wie der erste Meltdown weiter, nur dass diesmal die Wut wieder wach war. Und die nächste Stunde ging damit rum, das hier zu tippen.
    Weil es anscheinend gesagt werden muss.
    • Witnessed x 2
  18. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    the irony of blasting someone for emotional terrorism via suicide threats while youre giving the headsup that youre suicidal yourself because of this bullshit and would like to be left in peace so you can, yknow, stop being suicidal.
    • Witnessed x 3
  19. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    -offers more hugs-
    • Like x 1
  20. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    TFW you're mourning two different things and experience two of the five stages of grief at once

    I'm past denial and bargaining wrt my shitty bio parents, and I'm not crying because of them being shitty anymore, but I'm angry, so fucking angry.

    But the fact that I have no roots, that I was denied my grandmother's dialect and heritage time and time again, that I asked to be taught and at first she'd say yes and when I reminded her she said no. That the response to my meltdown was mockery (that was my uncle). The betrayal of the person I had trusted the most growing up because she'd treat me like an actual person, by ignoring the one request that I had that no one act as proxy between my bio parents and me just because they want something. The fact that my aunt knew I was abused but didn't call the Jugendamt. Or even offered an open ear.

    That hurts. I'm just someone like my bio mom, you throw money and gifts at them and then put them in the corner so they don't bother you.

    I'd rather have none of that and a family that actually cares.

    (I'm eternally grateful for Ivy's parents who treat me like family)

    But right now I'm grieving the fact that I could have had a family but no one cared to actually get to know me. To actually listen, even if they didn't understand. Offer hugs and an open ear for the good and the bad. And the tears won't stop. Again.

    But I was always wrong. The wrong kind of interests. The wrong kind of words. The wrong kind of person. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

    No wonder I ended up the attention seeking bitch I am who has to fight the urge to pull attention back to myself whenever it veers away, I have a whole damn childhood of being told to go bother someone else, if my presence was acknowledged in the first place.
    • Witnessed x 2
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