Okay.... So there is a Christmas banquet tomorrow. At church. I have been avoiding this place for two months or so, and it is not a place that is good for me in anyway, most simply because I probably don't believe in what it talks about. My immediate family have more or less stopped mentioning it, but mom asked me if I wanted to serve food at the banquet and in my mind I was like "I thought I was just gonna stay home in general what?" But I said (pretty pointedly by accident, but she didn't seem to catch it) "no I won't be serving at it" Now.......... I most def do not want to serve at it. I don't really want to go IN that building again, even if it didn't technically do anything wrong. I don't want to interact with those people again, even if they didn't technically do anything wrong. I don't want to endure questioning about why I haven't been at church. Is it not obvious that I just have stopped coming whatsoever? Like, the REST OF MY FAMILY is here, so why not me? Because fuck you all I'm out.
Okay so I feel really uncomfortable there, and I don't want that I have tried is whole baptist church goer thing, it is put for me, at least not this one I felt so uncomfortable listening to religious Christmas songs, thinking I'd give you (parents) the wrong idea, so i made myself a non religious Christmas music playlist so that I could have fun this season and not be sad as fuck for a long while But if I don't go then I don't get super amazing food and feast like stuff I only get there Also alone all day, which isn't really a huge problem for me cause of kintsugi :> I want to have fun but I will be over stimulated and full of anxiety and panic and uncomfortable and just I don't think it s worth it?. But also I want good food SO BAAAAD I am soooooooo shit at making myself eat things, I actually might qualify as eating disorder now, but it isn't malicious, it is more execs dysfunction, but like, to the extreme? But like, prep repaired food :O But also I am a picky eater, so I often don't eat a big selection of foods at these things, just stuff I know I like. Aeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel like a baby for this.
Well, I know the feeling. I sometimes went because extreme lonliness and food(also rather picky and won't eat much). My family was pretty good about me wanting to not be near all the people. So I found a relatively quiet/not crowded place to draw in and sneak in occasionally for food. I existed on the peripheral, and while I do occasionally got somebody asking why I don't believe/attend, I usually found other people on the peripheral who would gladly talk about not-church. So really, this is a matter of what you desire more and what you are willing to give up in the process. I only occasionally went to these things because only sometimes was it worth it. But, yeah, church is not my thing, but free prepared food is free prepared food, and sometimes I need it.
@rorleuaisen unfortunatly one thing about this church was basically everything this summer and sept was about community and shit, so... :| It is also fancy af this banquet, like literally dressy and servers and tablecloths and low light and candles and centrepieces and like HUMBLUMELNEN and no way I could get away with not sitting at a round table with other people. @Lambda XD My sister might... But she also is serving and I have no bribes...
That sounds rather unpleasant. I would stay home, especially if your family is pushy on the subject. Also conning someone to bring you leftovers would be nice. If you need something to bribe with, chores are usually good for trading with siblings. Possibly doing an IOU. I would totally try puppy eyes first though.
My parents are disorganized, so we don't technically have chores, we just get passive aggressive sigh of disappointment when we don't do something they never told us to do The must sit at table comes from the atmosphere of this particular dinner? Like, you're there for talking and food and community so why are you leaving that is rude and you can't do it. IOU?
P sure mom could take an excuse of "I am freaking out there are too many people here" but like they would be unimpressed and I would feel panicky as hell leaving the room cause everyone could see me and oh fuck no don't look at me like that I didn't wantt His ip either I just need to eeeeeat
I would see what kind of favors you can pull from your family(be it they bring food back or let you retreat some where quieter). It sounds like this type of judgmental attitude is normal, so you may benefit from just "dealing with it" for the sake of food if you can't get your family to help you out. It would be a temporary loss for a temporary gain. Anyways, I'm heading to bed, so I can't be of much more help. Hope things work out for you.
Fun fact! It is next week. I can't read my dad's writing. It said "Budget" on this Sunday, and "Banquet" the next Sunday. So I'm changing the title. :l
Fuck me okay So I said offhandedly to mom a few minutes ago "I guess I'm not going tomorrow" She said that Kay and husband are going, I counted up the people and said that that meant we'd still sit with 2 people from church (tables sit 8 total) (Kay, husband, mom, dad, bro, me) I said that I wanted to go for Kay and food, but that I didn't because of where and the people. Mom walked away slightly and sighed, I said I was sorry (I was thinking "sorry not sorry", but was still guilty that I'd made her sad) She proceeds to say "I'm very, very, sad that you're not going to church anymore" Cue me locking the fuck up and internally screeching Wehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Stop making me feel like shit That place was very bad for my mental health And even if we filled the table with people I was good with, (out of church people) I'd still have to interact with the other people, and either be badgered about why I'm not going anymore, or be looked at disappointedly, or be told they are very disappointed. Like fuck no So...... I guess I will have to try really hard to shove out the thoughts of "what if I had gone" tomorrow, and just remember how miserable I might've been, and how I probably would've cried at least once
