Vent Bear's Quality Personal Mental Illness Thread (OK to Reply)

I apologize ahead of time if I get rambley or long in this post. I just finally want somewhere where I can lay out all my symptoms and speculate about other feelings I have.

I am incapable of being concise. Every time I try and explain something about ANYTHING, my brain thinks it always has to explain EVERYTHING, otherwise I feel like I won't be understood at all. If I don't portray my thought process clearly to the people I am talking to, the details I do explain won't have understandable context.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I have some form of Depression. Although, I have always doubted how serious or horrible it is, and it wasn't until recent years that I am coming to terms with its severity.

I have abandonment issues that stem from me being fearful and paranoid about the relationships with my friends. I always have a sense of never being good enough, cool enough, smart enough, quirky enough, and interesting enough for my friends. I feel that once my friends meet and befriend people I think are cooler than me, they will abandon me because I am boring and unimportant to them now.

Sometimes I get these really scary invasive thoughts that I want to be angry at my friends for taking care of themselves when I want them to take care of me? I think about lashing out at them and saying all the mean words, because it's good to be honest and transparent right? But once I hesitate on these thoughts for too long, I feel immense guilt IMMEDIATELY, because it's wrong to use your friends as emotional punching bags and expect them to understand right? So I quickly descend in these spirals of self-deprecation of how I'm a terrible human being for having emotions and daring to think such things about the friends that I dearly love.

I set myself ridiculously high standards. I want to help my friends and I want them to feel loved and warm and happy in my presence. When they feel unhappy, they can always feel that I want to be supportive of their efforts to get better.

So...when I feel like garbage? I'm suddenly wondering if the image I project to my friends is just a big fat ruse if I am a confused, depressed mess a lot of the time and not the altruistic mom-friend I want to be. I am failing these standards, and as such, do not deserve the love and attention I receive from my friends.

I do not deserve their praise of my character. I do not deserve to know them. So I retreat. But the moment I retreat, these voices do not get quiet. They get LOUDER. The brain noise gets so much LOUDER. So, because I fear abandonment and isolation, the one thing that should and is meant to help me feel better and recover from my tantrums actually makes things worse for me. I am stuck with nowhere to go to be alone, because I am afraid no one will be there when I get back.

When I am in a more positive mood, I am far more receptive of my friend's valid praise of me: I am strong and admirable. I am loving and warm and understanding. I have an open mind and I am trustworthy. I am so much stronger than I know, and as strong as my depression is, my love and compassion is just as strong.

I swell when I think of these words and see their truth. I am a strong person for being able to cope with my Depression and still come out of it a compassionate, empathetic person. I use my suffering with depression as a tool to help my other friends feel better when they feel sad. Because I would hate to see a friend be as sad as I feel or have felt. I know what it's like to feel beat down and unloved, so I never want a friend to feel like they are hopeless and without love when they are around me.

I know I am all these things and more, but still the Depression leaks in and makes me doubt the truth of them. My episodes leave me feeling violated and alone. All the self-hate and lack of self-love because I give so much of it away that I save none of it for myself.

I......have other things I want to talk about, but it's mostly anecdata and speculation about specific behaviors. so that will be a different post.

Basically I have Depression that comes from an endless loop of doubt and paranoia, but I doubt that it's as bad as I think it is because I have never had formal diagnosis or therapy and have functioned all these years on my own stubborness and compassion.

 

I feel you. I wish I could offer more concrete help, because I really feel you. But you're doing well being able to accept praise and positive things. Keep doing that. Even when it feels like a lie. Especially then.

 

Thanks. Sometimes it gets really hard on days where my brain fog is so...dense. I just repeat things in circles and circles and nothing comes out of it until I vent and break things in my head. The thoughts loop around and I don't know which thought goes where.

My original characters help with this. I tell people that my OC's are my anchors in my brain, and that's why I devote so much time to developing the tiny insignificant details about them to make them more relatable. But I don't think I can ever properly convey the fact that thinking about something unmoving and regular keeps me on track and able to make sense of the skipping, repeating bits of my thoughts. I can never really say properly how MUCH of a coping mechanism my characters are for me, and is thus a reason why I can't pull a concept from my ass and go with it like my other friends can, or why I can't draw concepts WITHOUT trying to create a story for that character in the process.

I've actually had a friend ask me "why do you draw the same character over and over and over?" and i had to think about the reality that not everyone will see or know the commentary I was having while drawing these pieces. In some respect, it feels kinda isolating. But at the same time, it feels a bit strange to be a bit unique among my friends in the way i handle my creativity in the matter of handling my mental health.

 

I am on the path towards pursuing therapy, but it's been a hard because I don't know what my work insurance covers under "behavioral services". I kinda wished I stayed in Minnesota when my mom got a new job in 2013 all the way in Montana, because I (at the very least) had a school counselor through the university I was going to. I felt kinda lost once I moved, because my counselor and I were so close to getting me with a more specialized therapist and possible medication. Although, since I believe I can deal with my issues decently well without threatening lasting harm to myself, I haven't done a good job of making progress either. I'm just glad I live in a bigger city here, because Montana is an absurdly large state for what small population it has. so there's not as many option for me now as there were back then.

Yes, this is exactly what this is. I feel like if I am scared when doing something, that I am somehow lying to myself on being capable of doing the thing at all. I MUST be brave. I MUST be not-scared. I MUST be the voice of reason and not a depressed, fucked up mess. It's always a weird phenomenon, because even if I am thinking about how that's an unhealthy way of thinking I am simultaneously STILL doing the thing.

A more specific example: consoling my friends and giving them advice, even when I am in the throes of a depressive episode and trying/failing to convince myself of the very same things I am telling them. I feel like I am lying, because if I can't adhere to my own advice, is it even worth giving at all?

 

A venting of some sorts about my aforementioned brain fogginess or brain noise.

It's manageable most days, but sometimes it can be really draining even on the good days.

I have most of my tantrums and breakdowns in isolation from other people. Not even my parents, of whom I live with, are really are aware of the severity of them because they are almost always internal. I play out these scenes in my head. My friends may read of my tantrums on skype because that's the only way I can feel even remotely comfortable in expressing them if I am not obligated to explain shit in a timely manner. But outwardly, I can just look spaced out, maybe sometimes teary-eyed but there are emotions raging in my head that I am struggling to understand.

I can be sitting still and staring off into space, and imagining how a public anxiety attack would go. How throwing things would be like. How harming myself would look like and feel like and sound like. I am too cowardly to ever tell someone of this stuff because I am scared of them telling me I am just faking these things for attention since I rarely show any outward symptoms of my thought trains.

But it's true. I analyze the people around me and how well I will be received. All this activity and imagination is going on in my head and it does NOTHING to help the other stuff. So my brain locks up and when I want to have something be concisely explained it never happens or I feel like a handful of words is not sufficient enough to truly convey my stance on something.

Sometimes when I am talking, I will repeat myself at least once in a sentence.

For example: I messaged my sister earlier on Skype about Minecraft, and not even in a playful manner said "Sometimes we should maybe do -thing- together sometime, maybe." Almost like a brain stutter because I forget if I said a thing and brain reconfigures the sentence in the middle of me typing it out or saying it. It happens in real life too. I don't have a physical speech impediment, but when someone asks me "what is wrong?" or even a general question, I find it hard to speak because my mind may be thinking of three or more ways to answer. I'll usually end up saying "I don't know...Something. But I don't know how to explain." or I'll stutter out some answer and force myself to repeat myself a lot of times.

Even now I'm struggling with how I want to write explaining my own brain noise. But...when I'm in a depressive episode and need to withdraw from the thing, all these thought trains and paranoia come up at me through the floor boards. All the thoughts about how stupid and inadequate I am to handle anything, regardless of how my friends admire me for being just as stubborn, compassionate and strong as the depression that plagues me every day. Everything gets louder, and sometimes I can even imagine the thoughts having the voices of my friends. I force myself myself to hear these thoughts with their voices and it's just...it's jarring sometimes.

On the good days, it doesn't quite stop. But I'll be talking about my OC's or something I am very passionate about (IDK but some days I think my ocs and my passions are borderline special interests), and my brain will be disorganized as I file through them to find a minor, mundane thing to talk about. If I am stubborn, I can focus and talk my friend's ears off about this simple thing about my OCs. Thankfully my friends adore my rambles about them, because they can see my love of them is genuine. But sometimes its a bit frustrating when I want to think about other things but can't.

TL;DR: I have brain noise that prevents me from being able to process emotions and thoughts effectively because they are swimming around as voices and partial sentences and thoughts.

Advice on how to manage this better, or maybe an explanation of what this could be? I've always said this might be a form of inattentive-ADHD, but I have my doubts....

Edit: NOT TO MENTION that while I am working out my thoughts, I have trouble accomplishing the tasks I want to complete, or accidentally forget about them alltogether! NICE <:^)

 

Thank you. It's much appreciated, but if there's an OC topic around I will definitely go check that out soon!

 

Idk if this counts as venting, but there has been something on my mind lately. Well, a lot of things, but this is one thing I have focused on a lot out of all of them, I think.

Anyway, I have this compulsion to be nosey and unintentionally invasive by thinking that I have to know everything about a person I talk to. This is obviously an irrational thing I acknowledge because you can't force this stuff out or even convince someone against their own consent. I care more about a person's safety and comfort in my presence than satisfying a potentially harmful curiosity.

I feel scummy for this part of my brain thinking I'm entitled to someone's personal history and private life for the sole reason that I think I am a trustworthy and compassionate person. I take for granted that my friends think the same, so sometimes when I am sad and beating myself up emotionally, I withhold telling these things to my closest friends because these inner thoughts go against to how I actually want to act.

I get that it's what you do or don't do to act on these thoughts that makes you who you are to friends and other people, but I feel so bad every time I gets these thoughts that I wanna force people to tell me private things. I feel ashamed for it in every way.

On a slightly more positive note, my friends who know me closely know that my struggle know that I really am a trustworthy person who can trust me with personal things in rants and stuff, because they know that because of my struggles to fight these thoughts is indicative of how much of a NOT nosey and manipulative person I am at my core.

but be as it were, if I dare to think thoughts that go against the personality I want for myself to display to others, I get really depressed because I feel like I'm failing myself somehow or invalidating my more positive traits. the good traits feel like lies if the bad thoughts are still there.

and when I feel like a lie to everyone, I feel like I'm failing my friends too because they deserve someone more truthful and sturdy than me.

 

Also???
Why is making eye contact something impossible for me to do for longer than a few seconds at a time???

I can't do it. When I'm at work, I look down, or at the computer screen. Never at customers themselves.

When I do look at people, it's very fleeting I look at their eyes for a few seconds then look at somewhere else, be it on their face or something behind them close enough to their face that at least I LOOK like I am looking at them.

People notice my rapid eye movement when I look at them, and how fidgety I am when they stare at me. I've had a coworker once sidestep to his left, and then lean his face into my line of vision then say "I'm right here you know." when we were having a chill conversation in the loading dock while I took out some trash.

Another time, my parents and I were meeting with our lawyer for a case we were settling with some guy but when I was mock-explaining what I saw to our lawyer as if he were the judge, afterwards he said "Do you think if you need to give a statement, that you could look the judge in the eyes?" I hesitated before saying yes, beating myself up mentally for another person noticing that I can not make eye contact ever.

The thing is, pictures of people, photos or drawlings or otherwise, do not bother me at all. Because I don't feel like a photo can judge me. But looking real, breathing people in the eyes is something I have never been able to do and it fucking sucks.

I can't even look my siblings or parents in the eyes for long periods of time either.

 

Haha, fuck.
Here comes the self-hate train, choo-choo motherfuckers!
Read some things, brain thoughts other completely irrelevant things.
And now I'm scared that I don't deserve everything I have because I can reasonably manage my problems but not enough for that outward management to feel authentic. :')
I feel invalid, I feel like a liar and a fake that is envious of the wrong people and for the wrong reasons too.

I'm having a real bad time. Awareness of my real-ness (??? IDK what word to use), and the authenticity of my actions has been a real focus of my self-hate lately. I sometimes inflate events and feelings in my head with words that accurately color my feelings but perhaps change the actual events of situations I am remembering. I have no idea how to express this, I'm sorry.

But I'm feeling more and more like a fraud lately. Like some empty shell that is trying to be kind and compassionate, and perhaps those motivations to help people feel good are authentic. But I myself? I feel like a big fucking fake.
I don't know how to talk about this with my friends. I know one of them is a regular member here, and another is a newer member that has only posted a few times in her own topic. I don't mind if they see this and approach me separately but.
I just don't know.
I'm so confused and don't feel like anything I do is real, and the treatment/reciprocation I get from my friends and colleagues are undeserved. I don't deserve love and attention. Any of it.

 

A bit of a clarification, my actions to be nice to people are wholly genuine even if I may be naive in handling some specific things. My friends tell me I am a pretty compassionate and genuine person, and on my best days I believe them without a second thought.

I try so hard to uphold myself to this identity I outwardly express and my friends acknowledge and validate.

On the worst days, this identity starts to feel alien and separate from myself. I start to wonder if I am anything worth loving if there is OBVIOUSLY nothing beyond my mask of compassion. The identity starts to feel like a taunt that I am just faking my way through life and rely too much on people to do so.

This recent downswing comes in recent doubt of my reasons for booking a moderately expensive trip to Seattle for myself to spend so excited time by myself without the stress and paranoia that I am being a burden in people. But I can't back out now as the booking is non refundable. So...I have to figure something out so it can try and get into a better frame of mind once August rolls around.

I'm sorry for posting so much.

I really need a hug right now.

 

idk what to say, but, witnessed. :(

 

Thank you. I seem to only get this bad if I am close to a cycle (I am a cis afab if that is correct to say). So everything get thrown outta whack even worse than it does any other time of month. because of this I feel as though these moods are fake and exaggerated because they happen around this particular time, but maybe that's just even more evidence to get on some medication. regiment because they also happen if I am sick or under stress at work.

I won't rattle on too long. I do feel better after letting go of these feelings in my head. the brain noise gets really loud sometimes, and being able to read thoughts after writing them down helps me work them out. I am super grateful for my friends and you all here for being supportive, even if I haven't been on the forums very long.

 

Oh, man, I get bad pms moodswings too. I've actually gone on birth control to see if it'll help. It really sucks. :( *solidarity fistbump*

And vent threads are pretty helpful so don't ever feel like you're spamming your own thread. It's yours!

Re: the eye contact thing. I have trouble with it myself because of anxiety. But there are a couple of other things (like autism) that it's a symptom of, if it's not a learned cultural habit. It shouldn't be something to be ashamed of and it sucks that people are bugging you about it.

 

Thank you. Part of me thinks that this is because of my social/general anxiety, but there is also a small part of me that likes to think that it may be something else. Though I have doubts that this is an autistic behavior, but who knows. Maybe I am just suppressing a ton of shit that would otherwise put me on the spectrum! I won't go making flippant decisions though, but I am horrible with finding resources for deciding for sure.

 

Tonight's been a pretty wild night. It's been mostly okay work-wise at my job despite the rush of college graduation and pre-mother's day gatherings, but mentally i've been battling some bad nasty stuff.

And I'm sorta scared because yeah, I doubt the IMPACT of my personal/outward identity a lot and doubt my ability to effectively perform it. But now these days I am doubting that I am anything underneath. The identity now is merely a mask, and nothing is there. Like void. A forgettable, unlovable void.

I had a bit of a frustrated mental tantrum about a lot of things, and I am petrified because "wow, i want things in return for being nice? That's not what altruism is about! You should do things without wanting things in return for the sake of your love! Though...it's shitty that your friend/s make so much art for their other friends on a frequent basis, but hardly ever make art for you. If they do, they forget to finish or forget about it all together. Oh hey now, that's a dick move. That's selfish of you to be mad about that. TIME FOR THE GUILTY TRAIN!!!"

And maybe this is rationalizing my thoughts but it's so....rough to decide what my brain's doing right now and it's throwing me all for a loop.

I'm just counting down the days before I start my cycle. I want off this ride and I have no idea what the fuck is happening anymore, because the particular "you are but a vessel for the biggest lie of all: convincing people you are a caring, loving person. You are nothing." is all so new and strong.

 

Spoiler: tw: disordered eating and weight issues

(1 stone=~14 pounds)

How do I stop myself from feeling bitter and salty about my own weight when my friend complains about gaining weight and feeling rolls of body fat on them?

I'm so torn between knowing that their laments are due to borderline disordered eating due to how they are treated at home, and feeling like they are mocking me because I have felt the same body rolls for years upon years (I am 300 pounds or about 22 stone, and they are 15 stone.) and those body rolls she calls disgusting just feel......normal to me. I've normalized how the fat feels on my body that it is really jarring when someone else calls their own fat disgusting. Does that mean MY fat is disgusting? Does my friend think I'm disgusting???

This friend and I are really close, and body positivity is a thing I want them to feel about themselves. I really want them to be able to look at their body and not feel disgusting or feel like their family disapproves. I'm learning to love my own body too, so I want them to feel that weight gain is something to not be ashamed of as they work through other issues that plague them.

But......I can't stop being upset about every time they post about weight gain and feeling disgusting because I have my own issues with acknowledging my weight and how fat I am, so hearing them say that 15 stone is disgusting just...makes me feel so sad.

Spoiler: blegh

I know that I am blowing this all out of proportion and there's a very very high chance that we suffer from the VERY SAME ISSUE since we're both prone to stress eating and not really being aware of portion control (Im even more prone to it because I am not a picky eater like they are. Veggies freak them out, but i can sit there and eat a bag of snap peas no problem)

There's also the thing is they are shorter than me.

I am 5'11" tall, 300 pounds

They are 5'5" and 210 pounds

Distribution would look so different on us, and fat is something that has no fucking logic it seems.

I wish I could stop having my own struggles with weight and confidence, so that I don't get UPSET AND ANGRY whenever they post about their issues. They don't know about this current moment, but they don't deserve to have my own personal feelings complicating theirs. My job is to be their support and friend, not another person to complicate their own struggles to feel confidant.

I wish I could just be supportive of other people without my own issues causing internal conflict that I KNOW is insensitive and irrational. Please and thanks

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

LIKE HOLY SHIT
I HATE HOW UNSUPPORTIVE AND UTTERLY DENSE THEIR PARENTS ARE

I HATE HOW THEY SHAME THEM!!!
I HATE HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME ISSUE
BUT IM SUPPORTED BY MY PARENTS THOUGH!!!!

Like, I want to lose weight but I can't help but feel like a part of me unravels when someone/anyone says that anything above 250 pounds is disgusting and shouldn't be accepted.
But im tall and come from a few lines of thick and wide built people, so I'll always be in the 250 range regardless.

Im learning to love myself and my body. I swear. I feel if I love my body, I will love it the same once I do start losing some pounds in a healthy way.

But it's hard when you talk to someone with the same issue with far less supportive and far more fatphobic family than you.

I want to help them so much, but there's so little i can do from this far away.

 

If this is the friend who I think it is then I'm pissed off at their family as well, especially with the whole "you should just try to eat less... sweaty :))" bullshit that gets hammered down their throat.
Also you are cute as heck and witnessed *hugs*