Vent Bear's Quality Personal Mental Illness Thread (OK to Reply)

Yes, this is the same friend you think it is. their parents just make me so mad. My dad sometimes says i need to lose weight. But i dont think he shames me, he's just ignorant to how his approach affects me. But i realize it's just awkward for him to give advice that way.

T^T Thanks friend. *hugs*

 

I have a boyfriend.

Not a lot of people know.

Not because Im trying to keep it a secret.

But I've spent so long being single and wanting a significant other that Im anxious now that I have someone.

And he's a friend. We've had good memories and bad memories. We both know and try and heal from these. Especially with regards to a mutual friend of ours (I met him through them).

My anxiety has been vacillating between wanting to say I don't love him and that I want him. But I am afraid. Because my anxiety also tells me that my romantic feelings for him are of pity towards him and desperation towards myself to settle with SOMEBODY.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm not fully ready to be in a relationship. That may be the case, but I do want to TRY and have a relationship with him. My anxiety just hasn't allowed me to have real, tangible feelings for someone yet and wants me to keep them a distant, weepy dream.

I want to be free of this prison and tell everyone I know.

But maybe this is because love in the romantic way is more complicated than they say, even when you claim to know how it operates.

He may not be my only boyfriend. We may find we don't work out and we'll see other people with the confidense that we know what we want.

But lately i've been seeing condemnation for people who want their first relationships to be their only ones, and that having a lot of partners is the ONLY WAY TO GO. While i see the logic, I find that lifestyle so....draining for me. I'm not interested in fleeting romances and experimental interactions. I don't see myself investing myself in relationships if I know those kinds will just leave me flat with no hope.

Am I just being young and stupid, or is imagining a future with my boyfriend a hasty thing to do?

Fuck, I hate this. I hate my anxiety and I hate my depression and I hate that I seem so impatient. But there's so much worth to work for here. It's like we're getting to know each other for the first time again, and my mental illness is just SCREAMING "You'll always be alone. You don't deserve him. You gotta push him away. And while you're at it, you gotta push away everyone else too. You'll never be a mom. You'll never be a wife. You'll be that girlfriend boys get bored of and drop you in favor of the outgoing, but sensual partner."

Fuck.....

 

Hhhhhhh.
Kinda-sorta-boyfriend is a long story.
Long story short though: not boyfriend anymore. I am really glad I did not make things official. While I don't blame him for the nervousness, I recognized I was settling my emotions with someone who showed romantic interest in me for the wrong reasons.
Plus we had a history involving his affection towards my friend, that turned sour when his bone-headed turd brain refused to accept that my friend was no longer in the girl-mode that he fell in love with. My friend had been out as trans and engaged to his fiancee (now wife as of posting), and he was still like "what if its not right and youre meant to be with me". I knew he meant no malice, but his ignorance hurt my friend a lot and i can't believe i was so stupid to nearly fall for him myself.

IDK. It's been a long six months, and ever since i got back from my mini vacation of seeing him, I have not talked to him. Not because Im mad. But because I am ashamed.

 

I have been struggling with some feelings I cannot articulate.

But it's a haunting feeling that I can't quite explain.

But I am realizing more and more that 90% of my friends are some flavor of NOT STRAIGHT AND/OR CIS. And here I am. The anomaly. The cis-het.

So when I hear someone in our group say "we're all a bunch of GAYS", there is an awkward silence before someone says "well except Bear". I laugh along with it. Because i don't really make a conscious decision of who i befriend based on gender and sexuality. I don't claim myself to be a shining beacon who deserves pats for doing this either. It simply just....is.

But lately. Sometimes I have been having....thoughts.

Like.....what if I'm NOT straight? I know am cisgender. I feel pretty okay with my parts and the gender assigned to me. I love being a girl.

But Im struggling to find a way to describe my attraction sexually and romantically without sounding.....discriminatory??? I feel so ashamed because I don't KNOW if its internalized phobia or kink or my life goals or what. but...Gah. I hope someone understands what Im trying to say.

Spoiler: Spoiler for potentially nsfw contemplation

How do you begin to describe and label "I know in the end I want to have a monogamous romantic relationship with someone with the possibility of someday biologically procreating" with the thoughts of "Butmmmmmmmmmboy, I find many many people very very very sexually attractive." and "I'd fuck this person and that person. Those are some nice boobers. Hm. Yes. Very nice."

Im paraphrasing the thoughts extremely, but when I have thoughts of passing admiration, and a desire to caress and explore and bond with the form I am looking at. I feel like Im fetishizing. But I swear. I want to believe that I am not.

I know labels shouldn't confine your identity. But I feel much more comfortable at least knowing a name for what I feel. But...with how ashamed I feel right now about everything that I feel, "Heteromantic Pansexual" sounds like I am just forcing myself in a community in which I don't belong.

I feel like even QUESTIONING this is unintentionally making a mockery of the LGBT community.

Boy how I die. Please help me.

(I hope this does not come off in a way that I mock those who have non cis-het identities. Im just.....angry that I am so confused right now. And Im so scared that someone will think I am dangerously phobic...I wish I just knew a clear way to describe my feelings.)