Being a Shut-In

i fucking slept through it
i laid down for a nap
and fucking slept through it
by 2 hours
fucking
i hate myself this is stupid im screwed

 

so little update.
i'm signed up for one in person class in autumn. it's three hours, once a week, and there's no online option so i can't change my mind and puss out.
i am very very nervous. nervous about being able to physically handle being upright that long, nervous about leaving the house.
nervous about being around people.
but it's gotta happen. decided one class would be better to start with than two, if i can handle it okay i'll try to do more in person classes next spring i guess, if i don't wind up taking a break semester.

in positive news i got out of the house and sat in the grass during the eclipse totality and got to have a once in a lifetime experience
no effort of my own, though. it was all my roomie. i owe her my thanks sincerely.
she's the one who found the safety glasses, and a location, and drove us there.
i just sat on the blanket and felt grass for the first time in.... a disturbingly long time. i havent been barefoot outside in years, and i haven't sat in grass/touched it in a long time too.
springier than i remember. smells fresh. pleasant.
ants still suck though. that hasn't changed.

 

this is proving to be. very frustratingly intense. ive been going outside even Less, now that my roomie has moved. I use instacart for groceries. When I have a dr appointment, bc its hot out, I use uber that my uncle is paying for. I got a walker, and I still haven't put it together yet, because its too fucking hot even early in the morning and evening to want to go walkies at all. I'm deeply concerned how I'm going to physically handle my in person class. 3 hours a week of upright time, after walking to bus stop and then walking into the building however far to get to a classroom. Legs down the entire time. I don't handle upright time very well at all. I'm not used to being around people in groups. I'm not even used to zoom meetings bc all my classes have been asynch, the last zoom class i had was a few years ago now. My anxiety's been nuts.

I've got a bit under 2 months to get ready to do this and I'm fucking terrified.

 

Forgot to update here. Had my first class. Survived it but my fear of pain/symptoms was very accurate. I was deflated halfway through and counting the minutes till freedom. By the end of class I was in too much pain to actually get up out of my seat the first try. I had to grit my teeth and heft up after bracing myself for it to avoid making noises. Very unpleasant. Also discovered my shoes are the wrong size??? Wonder how long my shoes have been an 11 instead of a 10??? That might explain some of the discomfort I have had with some pairs, though. Because jesus christ that pair of sneakers hurt my big toes so goddamned bad. up side to the shoe thing though my ProfessionalTM maryjanes arrived and feel very nice to walk in even though there's a little bit of a heel. my sneakers will be here in a few days and i expect comfort there too.

next in person class isn't till the 9th because of labor day, thank god. i shouldn't be this excited to not have class but here we are. im HYPER aware of everything i did or how i positioned myself. the lack of AC running on the bus TO class about killed me. i have zero confidence in appearance with makeup now, because i looked like a racoon VERY fucking fast despite everything supposedly being waterproof and highly rated. all i did was my eyes and some lipstick. wore body mist before class. sweat like hell but... i dont think i smelled. i hope i didnt at least. ive invested in some Certain Dri antiperspirant to see if that might help my situation a little bit and give me peace of mind.