BPD vs autism/anxiety/depression

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by ChelG, Oct 12, 2019.

  1. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Some of the behaviours which have caused my biggest problems interacting with people and coping in daily life seem kind of BPD-ish, according to my readings of the traits list, but I don't know if it's a possibility or if it's caused by the stuff I already know I have. I'm wondering if it's worth asking my doctor. Let me go through the list...
    1. Fear of abandonment. I tend to grovel after fucking up, both online and in real life, and also will tend to grovel to a different uninvolved person in the hopes of them patching things up for me because I feel like the other person wouldn't want to hear from me. I get very upset on the occasions I burn bridges even if it was with someone I was far from close with anyway.
    2. Unstable relationships. I do tend to idealise potential friends, and as I said get upset when people don't like me even if I didn't particularly like them. My only romantic relationship has been online, and I think it's because that way he couldn't disappoint me because he wasn't actually there. When we exchanged photos it got weird because it reminded me there was an actual person there. I've had really messed-up relationships with family members too, concluding that my mother hated me because she yelled at me, among other things.
    3. Unclear or shifting self-image. Kind of. I don't have a good grasp of anyone's personality, really, and that might be the autistic lack of empathy thing.
    4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. Fighting, over-spending, over-eating, staying awake till four in the morning, occasionally drinking alcohol when I know it's going to make me feel weird (it reacts in a non-lethal manner with my antidepressants, so I feel tipsy on even a small amount) though I don't do that one often.
    5. Self-harm. I've never left marks on myself, but shitty eating and sleeping patterns, intentionally dwelling on dark thoughts, and intentionally seeking out stuff I know is going to piss me off or upset me probably come under this heading.
    6. Extreme emotional swings. Not sure I would say extreme but I definitely have weird moods.
    7. Explosive anger. Uh, 'nuff said. Yes.
    8. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. Haven't really noticed this one.
  2. Aondeug

    Aondeug Oya Manda

    As someone with BPD...Given the seriousness of the condition this is a judgement call I feel someone trained to make it is needed for. If you feel enough of the traits line up and that said things are greatly impairing your ability to function look for a therapist or something that could help you figure this out. I myself can't really say much based on the traits outlined as they currently are since I tend to think of it more in terms of severity than just a list of things. Like it's not just that I grovel to people when I fucked up, it's that I would honestly rather kill myself than live in a world wherein someone I loved left me. Because the hole left by them leaving is so astronomically large that everything just...hurts. To the point where there is nothing left save that hurt and I would do anything to get them back. Anything. Chop my leg off? Fine. Grovel before you? Fine. But just please come back I can't without you. I actually can't.

    Alternatively I now hate them and they're a horrible bastard bitch who I hope fucking dies get hit by a bus you piece of shit traitor you said you'd stay and then you didn't you lied to me.

    Just to provide an example of how my brain tends to look when abandonment is on the table.
    • Informative x 1
  3. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Okay, mine's not nearly that severe, but as a teen I spent a while planning to run away and never speak to my family again over one fight, to the point that I actually went to a support-for-teenagers organisation that very day and begged for help. (They talked me into going back home.) I... I think my attachment to close people is less and my attachment to people I don't actually know is more than normal?
  4. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    (Oh, forgot to say; thank you! This is useful data.)
  5. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    This is probably just anxiety but one point which made me wonder; there's one particular guy on Tumblr who I think is a douche, but I still get upset when he disagrees with me and happy when he agrees just because we're in the same fandom. I don't think that's a normal reaction.
  6. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Basically I just want to know if these behaviours are likely to have a specific cause. It may not be BPD, but can these things be caused by things I know I do have (autism, depression, anxiety) or is it just A Thing I Do, and if it's the latter is it harder to stop?
  7. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Okay, spoke to the doc, referred to psych. Waiting, now. I don't wanna sound like a hypochondriac but I don't want to be left wondering if this stuff does mean anything. Even if it isn't caused by this specifically they might be able to advise me on controlling the problem behaviours.
  8. Maya

    Maya assigned felon at birth

    Did you end up seeing that psych, Chel? I want to know what they said if anything before I give any further insight.
  9. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Haven't yet, still on the waiting list.
  10. Maya

    Maya assigned felon at birth

    Alrighty! I hope you get in soon!

    I'll try and keep this short, and disclaimer that I don't have BPD but was diagnosed with symptoms of it when I was younger. This isn't medical advice, yada yada yada.

    Long story short, I don't think what you're experiencing is BPD or even severe symptoms of it. Which would make sense, actually! If you're autistic, and have depression and anxiety on top of that, a lot of those symptoms working in tandem is going to look a lot like BPD. I have the exact combo myself, sometimes I joke about it being BPD-lite.

    Your fear of abandonment and unstable relationships sound a lot more fueled by rejection-sensitive dysphoria, which, again, would make sense! RSD is most common in, if not exclusive to (I'm not an authority to say) autistics and ADHD. You mentioned an attachment to people you don't know, which pings me as RSD the most, the need to be liked by everybody, strangers included, even if you don't like them, because the other option is that they reject you and your brain just can't have that.

    But pushing all that aside, and I don't want to soapbox too much, but... I can say the likelihood you have BPD is probably minimal. And I want to suggest that trying to slap a label to these symptoms is probably a bad idea. There is a certain culture online around BPD that really does encourage actively making your symptoms worse while simultaneously convincing you to cling to that label as your identity no matter what, to the point where it's distressing to think that you could be experiencing literally anything else, even if these are all symptoms of anxiety, depression, and just ways your brain functions as an autistic one. I know this culture was pretty harmful, and pretty easy, for me to fall into as a kid, and I don't want that to happen to you.

    Instead of bringing up "is this BPD" to the psych, I'd suggest just laying out the symptoms, pointing out you are depressed, anxious, and autistic, and see what they say from there. They may be able to get you started on a treatment plan more easily if they know and can pin the specific symptoms down, rather than whatever name the DSM gives the particular group of symptoms.
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