breakup: bleh

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by gills, Mar 24, 2016.

  1. gills

    gills dead

    Stops lurking because I don't know how to navigate things and need advice.

    I'm in a relationship. Both of us have BPD, I have DPD, he has a few other disorders (ADHD being one), and both of us struggle with depression/anxiety/PTSD from abuse.

    We're trying to figure out how to communicate and work through problems without breaking the fuck down. If person A is uncomfortable/needs to bring something up, the invitation is there for them to do it, and person B will try their hardest not to break the fuck down, buuuut there's a good chance person B will end up spiraling and apologizing, and then person A feels bad for saying anything, but person B feels bad for shutting down communication, and both of us end up just trying to keep the other person from panicking and the issue doesn't get dealt with.

    Both of us are pretty good at recognizing irrational thought patterns in ourselves. I know, logically, that him saying "sometimes I think we could work on this" does not mean "I hate you, I am leaving you and I want you dead thanks bye", but the reaction comes anyways, even though both of us are trying very hard to make it clear that room for improvement does not equal complete and total failure.

    How do we get past this? I'm out of ideas.
  2. Leegle

    Leegle Electric Beagle-loo

    Hmm... I think that this is the perfect situation that calls for therapy, honestly. If you have the money for it, it might be a really great idea to see a therapist together, to kind of help facilitate you in communicating better and also working on your own respective traumas.
    • Like x 1
  3. gills

    gills dead

    Well....we're in a long-distance relationship, so seeing a therapist together is not really feasible. He's currently in therapy. I currently am not, might be looking into it soon since he asked me to.
  4. gills

    gills dead

    i'm sorry for bringing this thread back when i'm never active here, but i really need help and i don't have anyone to ask.

    i haven't been able to sleep. i'm in a constant state of panic. nothing has even happened, i feel like things are falling apart and i need to fix it before it gets worse but don't know how.

    all he's done lately is talk about his other boyfriend (he's poly) and how annoying he is and how much he hates him, for things such as: being too clingy, breaking down constantly, forgetting things, and getting upset when he ignores him. all of these are things i do also. also he talks constantly about people he finds fuckable/attractive/hot/sexy and describes what he wants to do to them and the most he can ever say for me is 'cute'. i know i shouldn't be jealous but i am anyways.

    he split on me a bunch of times recently and i know that happens sometimes but he's been way more distant since. i can't work out what's going on because every time i try to figure out if there's something i need to change he gets upset and i don't want him to cry or be mad. i don't know if this makes sense. maybe i'm just venting. i have no idea what to do.
  5. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I'd be jealous too in that situation. Is it possible to mention that, or do you think that would result in more upset? Have you been able to see a therapist? Even outside of your relationship troubles it seems like it would be helpful.

    I don't have any firsthand experience with BPD or DPD, but it sounds like a really tough situation. Witnessed.
  6. gills

    gills dead

    i don't want to bring up being jealous; i'm pretty sure that would place me in the camp of people trying to hold him down and that makes him mad.

    looking into therapist currently. working out insurance stuff and trying to find one in the area that can work around my school schedule and who's currently taking clients.

    thank you for responding, it's nice to be able to talk about this.
  7. gills

    gills dead

    yesterday morning he called me and told me that he feels like we're drifting, that he's not sure if he wants to stay in the relationship and that he doesn't think he loves me. i cried and broke down and about a half hour later he said no, he doesn't want to leave and he absolutely does love me.

    there's no security in this any more; every single thought i have when i'm talking to him is 'how can i keep you from leaving me' and trying not to do anything that will annoy or bother him. i can't be honest about whether i'm feeling bad any more because that will upset him. i'm pouring myself into trying to be interested in his interests. i don't care what i have to do at this point if it will keep him happy. i don't want him to leave.
  8. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    This is going to hurt, but: you should let him leave.
    Neither of you are happy in this relationship and subsuming yourself to him in order to keep him happy is not the way to go to cause happiness. You're just going to get more and more miserable this way.
    • Like x 1
  9. gills

    gills dead

    well....he doesn't want to leave now. he is very upset by the idea of leaving. i asked him if he wanted to leave and that i wouldn't stop him if he did because i want him to be happy and he broke down in tears begging 'please don't leave me'.

    so. i don't know what to think.
  10. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    What I think, personally, is that you both need help that the other cannot provide. And that you 100% shouldn't do things like 'pouring [your]self into trying to be interested in his interests' merely to keep him with you because that will make nobody happy. If you want to get into his interests because you are genuinely intrigued by them and want to try them out, excellent! If you're doing it purely because you think it's the only way to keep him, think again.
    You both sound like you need to be honest with each other. Neither of you seem to be getting what you need out of all this. Being honest with people on hair triggers- both you AND him- is extremely difficult, so you need to take it in small doses, and have a safeword that means 'i am becoming irrational about this and need to stop and pick it up later', perhaps. Me and my ex used to refer to ourselves as hamster wheeling- one of us would be running in the emotional hamster wheel, the other would join in and we would both end up getting flung off from the combination of emotions. The trick is to recognise when that seems to be starting to happen, and stop, and calm down, and try again later.
  11. gills

    gills dead

    ok. emotional safewords make sense; that would probably be a good idea. both of us agree that communication and honesty are hard for us and those are things we need to focus on in order to make this work.

    and his interests are things i can definitely be into (and already was into, to some degree), so it's not that i'd be forcing myself to endure something i hate, just. shifting my focus a little.

    today was a bad day because i had to be out of my house all day and ended up going to an ex-friend's house and getting very very drunk. i don't have any drinking history and the entire experience was unpleasant and one i'm not in a hurry to repeat. i broke down really badly, sent a bunch of messages that i deleted soon afterwards, and was basically a gross wreck. turns out he's incredibly nervous and easily triggered by alcohol-related things and says he can't talk to me tonight. usually we fall asleep on call together every night. i know we're going to have to talk in the morning and i'm not sure what he's going to say. really scared.
  12. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    That's good, on the interest front. Just don't forget you're allowed to think about other things as well if you want to, and it doesn't mean you're betraying him or somehow Not Into Things Enough.
    As for the conversation about the booze... well. You should apologise, but one of the key things that starts off emotional hamster wheeling is those kinds of apologies where you go super overboard and beat yourself up- 'oh my god i'm sorry i'm trash i should have known i'm the worst i'm so so so sorry' etc etc. I know your instincts are probably telling you that that's the kind of apology you ought to be giving, but it's not true. Something like 'I'm sorry I got drunk and upset you last night. It was not intentional, and I wasn't aware you were triggered so badly by alcohol-related things. I really didn't like the experience so it is unlikely to happen again, but if it does I will try and keep it away from you as much as possible' is much better. It's calm, and you're not making anyone feel like they need to comfort you and assure you that they don't hate you and you're not the worst, which can be very upsetting in and of itself.
  13. gills

    gills dead

    yeah, i did apologize already, and i did my best to keep it calm, basically "i'm very sorry i did this, it wasn't healthy behavior and i am responsible for my actions,no one else (note: included this because he was trying to blame himself for it with "if i'd been there you wouldn't have done this"). i don't have a history of doing this kind of thing, i didn't enjoy the experience and i don't plan on repeating it. i know i hurt you with this, and i'm very sorry.'

    i managed to not break down in front of him when he said he couldn't talk that night, which i am hoping is good, because if he needs that time away from me i don't want to guilt him into having to take care of me when he needs to take care of himself.

    thank you for continuing to respond to this, btw. i really appreciate it and it's very helpful.
  14. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    It sounds like you did excellently, well done. You're doing all the right things- giving him space, being calm, taking responsibility but not excessively. I know it's hard, but you're doing super well.
    And no worries! I may not always be able to respond in a timely manner- as displayed there, I think we have a time zone issue- but I'm glad I can help.
  15. gills

    gills dead

    i'm trying my best.

    he was distant this morning, started talking a little more later in the day and now he's out with a friend. i'm having issues with 'do something stupid/dangerous for attention because even negative attention is better than none' but i am trying not to do that thing.

    i don't always respond in a timely manner either, don't worry!!! i appreciate that you are still responding at all, take as much time as you need.
  16. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    Not doing something stupid is hard. I understand that urge. But you're doing super well to fight it. Is there something productive you could do instead? Write? Draw? Cook? Something crafty? Catch up on your tv shows?
  17. gills

    gills dead

    i actually had the chance to go horseback riding today, which i haven't done in years, so i kept myself distracted with that.

    he just messaged me saying "i need to be alone right now" and i am doing my damndest to not panic. i don't want to spend another night trying to fall asleep by myself.
  18. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    Awesome! Horses are great, and horseback riding is great. Great all round.
    I like to do productive things when I distract myself because then you get something out of it and a sense of achievement. Cooking is great for that. Muffins are a cinch, and also tasty.
    As for him needing to be alone- perhaps it would help to set up a really self-soothing bedtime routine for when you have to try and fall asleep alone? Really pamper yourself- a nice shower with super nice smelling bath stuff, and good relaxing music, and a peaceful book? Something so you're not just fretting and fretting.
  19. gills

    gills dead

    ...also, i'm sorry, i realize i'm not really talking about anything of much significance here, but i'm trying so hard not to panic and it helps to keep talking.
  20. gills

    gills dead

    oops, didn't see your response. i'm housesitting for someone tonight so i'm busy getting ready to leave.
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