breakup: bleh

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by gills, Mar 24, 2016.

  1. rats

    rats 21 Bright Forge Shatters The Void

    @gills i'd say yes! needing a lot of attention isn't necessarily bad imo :OOO it all depends on context
     
  2. gills

    gills dead

    i mean, ideally, i would find someone who is also clingy and wants attention...wait, is that a red flag? is it abusive to want to find people who want attention? would that be taking advantage of and exploiting someone?
     
  3. WithAnH

    WithAnH Space nerd

    @gills gotcha. I'm not saying that a healthy relationship isn't possible if you need a lot of attention. I think it is. And different people are going to have different definitions of "clingy", so as long as both partners want a similar amount, a relationship with a lot of contact can work.
     
  4. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    I'm sure there is a way to be in a very attentive, healthy relationship! (if not I'm honestly fucked, because I am very clingy and attentive.) I think ensuring such a relationship's health mostly has to do with making sure that that's what the other person wants and can handle? like if they're in a solid enough place themselves to be able to healthily pay that much attention to you and if they themselves genuinely enjoy being attentive almost all of the time. generally I think those two things are better assured if you're also paying as much attention as they want to them, but part of it is just what type of person your partner is. personally I will say that I wouldn't at all mind a "clingy" partner if I were attached to them too, so there are people who will suit you out there! you're going to have to be careful, though, because people can really fuck themselves up if they think they can commit more to a relationship than they actually can, and also, as your ex conclusively demonstrates, being that close with someone means you're giving them a lot of power over you, and that is sometimes not a good thing.

    edit: and no, in and of itself wanting to be attentive and receive attention is not abusive. it probably ups the potential for abuse and unintentionally abusive behaviors, but it's not a bad thing to seek out.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2016
    • Like x 2
  5. gills

    gills dead

    so....i think what i'm hearing is that if both partners enjoy giving and receiving a lot of attention then it isn't inherently bad?
     
    • Like x 3
  6. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    yeah, and if that enjoyment is more or less continual and non-conditional. also I suppose there might be people who like to give a lot of attention without receiving any? and if both partners agree on and are content with the amount of attention paid that could definitely work too. the difference between that kind of relationship and the one you had with your ex is primarily in that contentment, agreement, and communication.
     
  7. gills

    gills dead

    i like giving a lot of attention as well as getting it? i assume most people who like giving attention also like getting it. i could be wrong, of course....that just makes sense to me.

    i just don't understand what changed between me and him because at first he wanted to give/get attention just as badly as i did. and then suddenly it changed. ugh.
     
  8. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    yeah, I'm like that too, and I assume a lot of people are! I'm just saying that not everybody who wants to be in a very attentive relationship is like that, necessarily.

    for what it's worth, I think he still wanted to get attention even when he cut you off—he tried to punish you whenever he thought you expressed less than the appropriate amount of devotion to him, it seems, and having that devotion is definitely linked to having your attention. but I think at some point he decided that he was investing too much attention in you for what he was getting back; giving you attention wasn't worth it anymore, so he stopped doing so, thinking that regardless you would be willing to give him attention. he turned out to be wrong, because you recognized he was manipulating you. so yeah. he was just not willing to put in as much attention as you were (which is also what happened with his other ex-boyfriend, I think), which would be cause for amicable breakup and/or relationship negotiation if he hadn't started to be cruel about it. near the end I think he recognized that he could withhold his attention to punish you, and he did so, and that's incredibly shitty.
     
  9. gills

    gills dead

    man someone point me towards this hidden well of people who love constant attention because i sure can't find them anywhere
     
  10. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    hi! I absolutely love attention! to the point where most people are unwilling to give me that much! I like giving it, too, for what it's worth.
     
  11. gills

    gills dead

    ...i legitimately cannot interpret whether this is an invitation for me to pay attention to you or not

    (help i can't read cues or tone i'm suffering)
     
  12. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    So my husband likes attention and affection and might be considered clingy from an outside perspective, IDK. Point is, I love to give him attention! But I also need time alone, and over the decade we've been married, we've learned to strike a balance. He's learned that just because I need to be alone for a bit, it's not anything to do with him and I'm not mad. And I've learned to pick up on cues that he might be needing a little extra love and attention some days.

    That said, neither of us have any PDs as far as I'm aware. But I don't think it's impossible for you to find that sort of give and take, just that you'll have to do a lot more communication to get there.
     
  13. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    well, I suppose it's an invitation to pay attention to me if you want to? you don't have to or anything; you don't owe me any of your time. and it certainly wasn't intended to make you feel like you have to do anything. I suspect my own inability to read tone and cues may have made that message ambiguous. really I just wanted to let you know that there are people who want really close relationships, haha.
     
  14. gills

    gills dead

    @Ruevian yeah, it sounds like honest communication is the magic ingredient that was missing for me. i have a tendency to...lie to keep someone happy, bottle up bad feelings, bottle up bad feelings, and then inevitably i split and everything comes out at once in the harshest way possible. not good.

    @esotericPrognosticator well, i mean, i wouldn't mind? at all? i'm not reading this well. i don't want to make YOU feel like you have to do anything. either way, message received i think? other clingy people exist.
     
    • Like x 2
  15. paladinkit

    paladinkit brave little paladin

    -chimes in late with starbucks-

    I am also a very, very attention-needy person in my romantic relationships. But that has gone ten thousand percent better once I've developed habits of honest communication. I can promise there are people out there who will not be driven away by how much you need them. I kind of ended up doing things in Challenge Mode, as both of the people I'm currently in romantic relationships with have attention disorders and we still manage to communicate and strike a decent balance of getting my needs met most of the time. It's a learning experience for everyone.

    It helps a lot if you can start to kind of work out a sense of "attention efficiency," as it were - which activities or gestures will make me feel the most loved for the amount of effort/time from the other end? Instead of, say, my wife endlessly toiling at a secret present for me, she knows if I'm having a needy day it makes a bigger difference for her to RP with me, or make me food, because I interpret that as "more attention" than her putting effort into something that is for me, but not immediately a Thing That Is Happening.

    fwiw I don't think I have DPD, but a lot of the descriptions I read sound at least a bit familiar.
     
    • Like x 1
  16. gills

    gills dead

    ok so

    i just talked to a few friends out of his old friend group. who apparently were really worried about me but couldn't get in touch with me because i had them blocked on everything on his orders.

    they want to talk to me but right now my sense of trust is extremely fragile. i can't tell if talking to anyone is a good idea. is it?
     
  17. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    When you say old friend group, that means they aren't friends with him anymore?
     
  18. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    I think that if they recognized he was toxic (which they did), then they're probably good to talk to, if you don't think it'll be too upsetting for you. also the fact that they were worried about you is a good sign.
     
    • Like x 1
  19. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Yeah. I was gonna say, chances are they don't have anything good to say about him so if you're not up for hearing that or think you'll react negatively to their criticisms of him, you might wanna think about it. But I'm also glad they're worried about you.
     
  20. gills

    gills dead

    i talked to one of them briefly already and it....was hard to hear "i hate him" and not lash out to defend him. but i just said that i can't hate him but i realize he did harmful things.
     
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