Discussion in 'General Advice' started by gills, Mar 24, 2016.
How do you feel knowing they were worried about you?
confused. i didn't expect that they were. one of them had blocked me previously after fighting with him because i was still dating him and i was guilty by association. one of the other ones was jealous of me for awhile because they had a crush on him but i was dating him, but now they're dating someone else in the friend group so that doesn't matter.
Can I ask why you blocked them?
because he told me i should.
i initially wanted to keep talking to them and he initially said that was fine, and then when i talked to them he blew up and said he couldn't believe i wasn't taking his side when he was clearly in the right and he couldn't trust me if i associated with them, so i blocked them.
If you want to renew friendship and communication with these people, I think you should, especially since you've mentioned before that if you didn't have him, you'd have nobody. I also think that if you're still feeling defensive of him, there should be a moratorium on talking about him, one way or another. They can be your friend without talking shit about him. Not that I think he doesn't deserve every criticism leveled against him, but that it'd make you feel bad and the point of letting these people into your life is to help you heal.
That said, I feel I should mention the fact that he was controlling your friendships is yet another sign of his abuse and another reason you're better off without him.
i think they want to make a group chat and have one conversation about him to....clear the air, since he told me a lot of things about them and likely told them a lot of things about me, and probably a lot of it was not true. and then they want to not talk about him again.
Would you be up for that?
i think so? i can't tell. why can't i make a decision on my own for once in my life.
I think it'd be helpful, as long as people don't start throwing around accusations and blame at you or vice versa.
well, the person i talked to didn't sound mad at me. they said they were worried about me, that they know he can get "scary" and that they suspected i cut them off because he had told me too. they mentioned he did something similar to them.
Would it be helpful to tell them in advance that even though you agree he did harmful things you can't help but be reflexively defensive of him, and to try to excuse yourself from the conversation if it was becoming a problem? Sorry if that's an obvious solution.
i've explained that it's hard for me to speak poorly of him even though i understand he hurt me. the person i talked to seemed pretty understanding of that.
Then for what it's worth, I think you should go for it!
maybe i will. i have to wait for the one i'm in touch with to get back from work.
I'm glad to hear you got back in touch with the friend group, and I think their plan to just not talk about him again after a chat specifically to clear the air is a good idea.
i haven't heard back from them yet. i am feeling very worried. i am scared that they are secretly friends with him again and that they are reporting back what i said to the one person in the group to him, and he is going to use it to get back at me.
I doubt very much that's the case. How long ago did you last hear from them? They're probably busy offline.
i last heard from any of them at 10:30 AM. the last message i sent letting them know i was available was sent at around 4:00 PM. it is now 6:45 PM. the person i talked to is currently posting on tumblr so, not offline.
They might have also decided they don't have the spoons for it right now! Or some of the people that really want to be involved aren't available even if others are online.
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