Holy crap. I know you don't want to call a crisis line, but does your school have some sort of medical centre? Call them and see what options they have for crisis counselling - if it's at your school it should be free for you.
they dont have anything like that available, ive checked before. im considering calling a crisis line, im not sure if its worth it since my attempting is over for tonight i guess and sometimed they make me feel worse but everything is quiet and im completely isolated and i keep dozing off and its scarinh me since i dont know how long i was out for earlier
If you were unconscious from strangulation and you don't know how long it was, an emergency room visit is definitely in order, particularly with repeated dozing off if you don't have another reason for it (excessive exhaustion, hunger). Although those need to be addressed as soon as possible, as well.
Are you over 18? Because if you are then your parents are legally unable to access your medical records, and you don't have to tell them why you needed to go to the ER.
im on their health insurance. i wouldbt be able to pay for anything on my own, i have no money, im relying on them for everything until im out of school and can pay them back. they would not be willing to just pay for something without knowing.
If your parents would kick you out for trying to get help after two suicide attempts, the answer is to lie through your teeth about why you had to go to ER. Are you living with them? That might make coming up with a good lie a little trickier, but I'm pretty sure it's still doable.
....what do i tell them i went for then? i dont have any kind of recurring health condition. and yes im living with them
Not being able to breathe and then feeling woozy and drowsy - you don't have to tell them WHY you felt like you couldn't breathe, and the doctor's report will not be visible to them even through the insurance.
But be honest with the doctor (you can tell the intake nurse the same as you tell your parents - they don't need the details, only the symptoms)
we're talking again i guess? it sounds like he just...wants to communicate on his own terms. like, he decides when we talk and how, and it's going to be a lot less often. i'm gonna have to adjust to not falling asleep on call every night....not calling every day at all, really. probably not messaging every day either. ....am feeling some bitterness because if HE ever wants a lot of attention i better drop whatever i'm doing, leave class early, whatever, because he needs me. and he told me over and over "oh no you can't possibly be too clingy for me". apparently i could. (edited to delete an accusation i feel bad about making.)
i dont wanna step on toes or make too-quick assumptions, but....my first impression from this thread of your relationship is that everything kinda revolves around him. i mean, for christssake, you literally just attempted suicide, but nope, you need to communicated on HIS terms, and that HE decides when and how you guys talk. needing attention after somethign like that isn't "clingy" by any stretch of the imagination, and as ur SO i would say its very important for him to be supportive and helpful through this. like, its alright to need space, and its certainly not his job to be your therapist or whatever if he knows itll be a toll on him to play that role, but from what i can see this relationship really doesn't seem like an even reciprocation and that you're really getting the short end of the stick here. i.....really dont know what my point is from that, but that maybe this relationship isnt the healthiest thing for either of you? idk. :"uuu i could be wrong bc i doubt youre putting the whole picture in here, but....just my two cents based solely on the stuff you've posted
yeah, i....really can't tell? i've never been in a relationship before, i'm not sure what one should look like, i can't tell if i'm justified in feeling ignored or if that's my personality disorders speaking bc god knows, those don't make it easy to think about stuff like that objectively. he told me he'd likely be absent for most of today bc it's 420 and he's out partying. i didn't really want to be alone but i'm not going to press him to spend time with me anymore, and i kept myself busy. he did call me for a little bit tonight....and everything feels different. there used to be a sense of trust and security, like, even though both of us melted down sometimes and things got messy he would calm down and be patient, and we could try to talk things through. now i'm just. desperately trying anything i can to not piss him off so he'll stay. i can't be honest anymore because i don't want to exhaust him or make him feel guilty. i'm just. playing through a dance of "look i'm fine i'm happy i'm functional yeah i'm great no you're not hurting me (haha please don't leave me)" and i've done this before with friends and it. really hurts that i'm back here again. i mean. it worked, he seems happier, but everything is different and i'm kind of sad about that i guess.
If you aren't able to be honest, you don't have a relationship that is healthy. The kinds of things you are trying to do to keep it together are just hurting you. If you have to lie to keep him, no, that's not someone you need to keep. And you WILL hurt more in the long run trying to keep a person that treats you like that than you will hurt by saying "no, we're in this together or not at all" and letting him go when he does. If he is serious about it, he won't walk out or yell at you. If he does either - you are better off crying yourself to sleep than hurting yourself day after day waiting for the day he calls and says "I've found your replacement. Bye."
You CANNOT let yourself be treated this way - it will make your mental health worse every day that it continues.
From what I've read in this thread, my instincts are really telling you to get out of that relationship. I've done the song and dance of trying to do everything you can to make a person not leave you, it drains you and doesn't reap any rewards. This guy isn't the only person in the world who would/could love you, there are other people who you can be honest around in the world. And honestly, giving you an ultimatum of not talking unless he wants to is really uncomfortably controlling.
