well, i know if he knew i wasn't being honest, he would ask me to be honest. he's not making me do anything, i'm deciding to act this way. and i really don't think he's asking for anything unreasonable-- me expecting to talk every night WAS out of place. i'm adjusting. i'm going to have to do some things differently but that's ok, most of the things i was doing were me displaying symptoms and that isn't good. he isn't a bad guy, everyone, i know it might sound that way but this thread is mostly focused on the negatives since that's where i need help.
I'm glad to hear he would ask you to be honest if he knew you weren't. I am also glad to hear that you think his request that you not talk all the time is reasonable. But, otoh, I think that you feeling obliged to lie - not because he says to, but because you're afraid that the truth might drive him further away - is a bad thing in a relationship. And I don't think it's fair that he's the one who decides if you two talk and for how long. I did a brief search, but there doesn't seem to be that much in the way of self-help resources for DPD. I really hope you're able to find a therapist soon.
well, i mean...the truth is probably better left unexpressed? if he asks "am i hurting you by wanting to talk less" i can't really say "yes i've been in constant breakdown and suicidal". it's not his fault i'm reacting that way. it's way better to say "no i'm doing fine and i understand you need space". why is it unfair that he decides how/when we talk? i can't make that decision myself because i want more of his attention than he wants to give me. still looking for therapists. hardly any near me are taking clients and deal with the stuff i need to work on.
I think there's a mid-ground between "everything is a-ok" and "i'm breaking down and tried to kill myself". "I'm having a hard time but I understand you need space" is true, isn't it? The reason I say it's unfair is because I'm thinking of that time he called 4x while you were driving, and then when you messaged him he didn't want to talk. Imo that's pretty extreme in terms of controlling talking. There's a difference between "I'm busy right now" or "We've already talked a ton today and I need space" and "Because you didn't answer right when I was messaging you I don't want to talk".
Agreed with budgie- It's fair that you're in a brain space where you feel the need for more contact than is feasible, but at the same time, he is in this relationship to support you as well- if you can take time to help him when he's in a bad spot, he should be willing to reciprocate. I think you need some form of being able to say 'I'm in a really bad spot, I need help'. Obviously, if he's not in a state to be able to help you he can decline, but remember that you hold that right as well- if he's in a bad spot and you can't help him at the time, you have a right to decline. Relationships are give and take- especially since you two have brainweirds making things more difficult. You need to be giving and taking as equally as you can or it's an unfair relationship- and him having /all/ the control in your communication leaves him with vastly more power than you
Also worth noting: without saying he is a bad guy, I think the two of you may have incompatible needs. "Person A and Person B's respective brainweirds clash in such a way that they are likely to continuously hurt each other" does not mean that either A or B is a bad person. It may mean that A and B would be best off if they weren't in a relationship. It sucks for everybody involved, but it's not a thing that's someone's fault. In the most charitable reading of his actions, he may have realized that constant contact was triggering his splitting and tried to set a boundary for his own health, but didn't do it very well. There are less charitable readings. Whether it's intentional or not, you are getting hurt, and a healthy relationship doesn't revolve only around one person's wants and needs. I hope you can take some time and effort to take care of yourself (including getting medical care ASAP holy shit). Is there anyone else at all you could get in touch with for support? Also, if you want me to take the thread title literally and give you advice on how to break up with someone, I wouldn't say I'm a pro, but I've done it a few times and I could.
yes, that's true. i need to do better with finding moderation in language. well that...isn't really what happened. i called him back HOURS later and it was much later for him than for me, and i think i may have woken him up. he HAS helped me through a lot of bad spots. the thing is there are so many of them and i don't blame him for being tired. i need a way to get through bad spots by myself, because he will not always be here and i can't expect him to be. i'm....kind of ok with him having all the power. i hate making decisions and i feel guilty no matter which decision i make, so if he makes the decisions i feel safer. i'm not sure what less charitable readings you're thinking of, but i don't think he set out intending to hurt me. i think before it revolved a lot around me, and now i have to adjust to that not being the case. that isn't unreasonable. i don't...really have any friends, so. not really. i have a friend from class but i don't feel comfortable enough with her to talk about things like this. i don't want to break up with him. i changed the title because i thought i was going to have to and i don't believe that's still the case. i just haven't gotten around to changing the title back, i'm going to do that now.
id like to reemphasize - you just attempted to kill yourself. things that are ok in his situation: communicating that he may not be able to healthily deal with all the implications of this and, that while he would like some space, he will support you however he can. things that are NOT ok in his situation: completely isolating himself from his suicidal SO to party and get high. like i said, i dont wanna jump to conclusions - i dont think hes necessarily doing this maliciously, like @WithAnH said. but there is absolutely something incompatible here. anecdata: my SO and i are very similar to you guys - my SO likes to text me a lot, skype call every night, etc. he used to get very upset if i didnt respond right away. meanwhile, im the kind of person who really needs space/reboot time and doesnt remember to text back often. this used to cause anxiety spirals in him, where he would flip out if i was dead/hated him/etc etc, and then anxiety spirals in me when i realized how badly id upset him. so we communicated and were honest with each other and about our feelings and the issue's more or less cleared up; hes less paranoid now and i remember to respond more often. we never felt the need to lie to each other about anything. so the fact that you feel the need to be dishonest is a major flag :<
he's been more in touch lately. and i dealt with that better because he at least let me know 'i'll be gone for a lot of today, it isn't your fault and i promise i'm safe.' and he did call me for a little while last night, and he's been messaging me regularly today. i don't think there's something so fundamentally incompatible that we can't try to find a way to compromise. me feeling the need to be dishonest isn't specific to this relationship, though; i want people to like me and i try to match people well so they will like me. (this can get very complicated when i'm in a room with multiple people, all of whom have a completely different image of me, lol.)
yesterday was my birthday and he messaged me once to say happy birthday and once to tell me he needed to be alone. he's had a lot of heavy personal shit happen in the past few days and i understand he's struggling and that doesn't all just magically go away for my birthday but. i still feel really alone and sad and disappointed. this is probably just pointless whining.
@gills i know things dont seem like it right now but i promise, promise, everything is going to be okay. if you need someone to be there for you, anywhere (skype, or IM somewhere, literally anything) just let me know :(( im sorry
posting here bc i just need to keep talking: the rate at which i am flipping between "i should just talk to him having him talk to me only when he needs to vent is better than nothing" and "man, fuck that guy" is out of this world
to clarify things a little: i asked him if he still felt the same way about me and he said no, he's done with that "honeymoon romance infatuation deal". but he still loves me as a friend and he'd be willing to hook up with me. i'm just. really hurt and not comfortable with either. apparently his feelings vanished over a month ago and he never told me. i'm hurt that he couldn't be honest with me and that by all accounts he never took any of it as seriously as i did. time to settle back into the pattern of feeling unwanted and unlovable and empty i guess. only now it's worse. sigh.
also i am an idiot for trying to make this work when it was blatantly clear to everyone here things weren't going to work and i didn't even share a lot of stuff that really hurt/bothered me because i knew everyone would tell me to break up with him and i didn't want to hear it. ugh. i feel like shit.
still posting here because everything still sucks i spent most of the morning being angry which is a lot easier than being sad. now i am sad again. it sucks and everything hurts and i have to go back to my uncle's house full of guns and stay there for two weeks and i've relapsed in every way possible and i'm trying to keep it together in class and it's. not working.
@gills witnessed, dude. been going through some unrequited-love-type shit myself lately and it does suck, especially the sad part. is there any reason why you absolutely have to be in class? because honestly it sounds like it's unnecessarily stressful and if you can take a break you should. anyway, my sympathies are with you and I hope you stay safe.
well, the alternative to class is...what? staying home and crying? i was hoping i could distract myself but they have me working the front desk, which just means sitting in the same place for 7 hours doing nothing. if i start crying they'll probably just send me home. my mascara isn't waterproof and that makes a terrible impression.
