breakup: bleh

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by gills, Mar 24, 2016.

  1. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    ... christ what an asshole.
     
    • Like x 3
  2. gills

    gills dead

  3. gills

    gills dead

    if it's him, i mean, he's mad, you're seeing him not at his best.
     
  4. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    None of those actions are wrong, but saying that to someone you know is having a hard time with the breakup is an absolute dick move.
     
    • Like x 4
  5. gills

    gills dead

    ....but even though that hurt me i am glad he's not as hurt as i am? i didn't want to hurt him.
     
  6. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    You can say you're not hurt without saying "yeah it took me 10 min to move on".

    And you probably don't want to hear this, but I really think trying to maintain any sort of relationship with him is just going to hurt you more.
     
    • Like x 3
  7. gills

    gills dead

    if i don't maintain something with him i have literally no one left
     
  8. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    You will meet other people and the pain will lessen. You deserve to be treated better, to find someone who loves you, and that won't happen if you're too focused on chasing after a guy who treats you poorly. You're young, and break ups are awful, but I promise the hurt will fade.
     
    • Like x 3
  9. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    just so we're clear, you didn't have to, but you were absolutely within your rights to stop contacting him. I mean, he told you he didn't love you. that is definite cause for hurt and/or cessation of contact, and you shouldn't have had to apologize for it. have you talked with those friends about why they cut him off? or are you not acquainted with them?

    you are perfectly within your rights to feel angry at this behavior. you would honestly have been justified in leaving him as soon as he established a pattern of lying. actually I would say that not only is anger an appropriate response in this situation, it is probably the best response.

    okay, so, if someone calls their previous relationship with you, which you very much valued, a "honeymoon romance infatuation deal," you would again be perfectly justified in panicking and running, as you call it. you would be justified in screaming at them, in fact, because honestly that is incredibly dismissive of your feelings. he knows how much you care about him, and he's dismissing all of that. as for it not being his job to take care of you—well, yes, but you try so hard to take care of him that it would be incredibly selfish of him to not reciprocate. and it was incredibly inconsiderate of him to end the relationship with the dismissive tone he used; that not only isn't taking care of you, it's actively hurting you.

    okay, but would you be willing to take my word and that of many other people on this thread that he is doing something wrong? I very much understand how you can care about somebody so much that you overlook their flaws, but in that case it's important to get an outside perspective, and in this case the outside perspective is that you're absolutely not at fault for any of this and he's being very inconsiderate.

    tbh I'm not the best person to ask about what constitutes a healthy amount of space in a relationship, because I am very very clingy and dependent. honestly that sounds like an enjoyable amount of contact to me, although I think most people would say otherwise, and I don't think that in and of itself that level of intimacy is unhealthy. when it does get unhealthy is when one participant in the relationship isn't willing to keep up their end of the deal, which is what happened here.

    okay, so even though you're describing his behavior in an incredibly generous manner, he sounds extremely selfish, in that he knew how important contact was to you and still just suddenly dropped his end of the deal. and the fact that he only contacted you at length when ranting is honestly setting off a lot of warning bells for me because it implies that he only contacted you to get what he wanted out of you, which is. well. pretty much the epitome of selfishness. and just so you know, "going through a lot" and especially "fallen out of love" are absolutely not excuses for drastically cutting down on communication without telling you what was going on. if he was up front about the change in his feelings and asked if he could communicate with you less, that would be okay, but instead he just dropped you. you are being so charitable to this guy and honestly it's hurting me a little bit to hear about it, because you are so kind and in so much pain because he took advantage of that kindness.

    the fact that you acknowledge it as groveling is good, because that's absolutely what you're trying to do, and he does not deserve that. his refusal to help you honestly means that he doesn't deserve your help, either. and have you considered that maybe you could try applying some of that amazing kindness you have to yourself instead of him? it's difficult, I know, but if you stop needlessly blaming yourself you'll be a lot less miserable.

    from what I've heard of him he'll only take you back if it's convenient to him, tbh. and you do not want to be with somebody with this little regard for you.

    agreed with @budgie that this is an exceptionally assholish thing to say, both in its content and its particular phrasing.

    that's the thing: he doesn't miss you. or even care about you, it seems, because if he did he'd treat you better. my advice would be the same as @Ruevian's, pretty much: move on, however you can, and find somebody who does care about you. I am well aware that you can't just stop having feelings for somebody when you want to, but. please realize that this guy is ultimately not worthy of your feelings, and please stop beating yourself up for things that are entirely his fault.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
    • Like x 3
  10. gills

    gills dead

    i cannot long-response rn because i'm on phone and trying to distract myself (hanging out in nearest big city) but i am thinking about things. i promise i am not blowing any of you or your advice off. part of me is kind of agreeing and part of me is screaming no no no we must Defend Him. i'm not sure what i'm going to do yet but i am so so so grateful to everyone who has responded, truly.
     
    • Like x 5
  11. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    That said, the crying and the doubt and the flipping between anger and bargaining...all of that is very common during break ups. It's rough, and you have my sympathy, dude. You don't need to be Okay right away, it may take you a long time to get over it, but that's okay. Do what you can to distract yourself like you have been doing, and if you need anyone to talk to or a place to vent, post here and we'll listen.
     
    • Like x 4
  12. gills

    gills dead

    oh oh question. not saying i've made a decision but if he does come back and say he's allowing me back into his life and i've decided i don't want that what do i say? do i just go "hey you're actually kind of a dick and i don't want to be around you"?
     
    • Like x 2
  13. Lissa Lysik'an

    Lissa Lysik'an Dragon-loving Faerie

    "I don't think I can handle the emotional turmoil right now."
     
    • Like x 1
  14. WithAnH

    WithAnH Space nerd

    You could do that. The milder version of that is "I've thought about it and decided I need some space to get my head together. Maybe I'll talk to you again in a month or two."
     
    • Like x 2
  15. Newlyread

    Newlyread Killer Queen

    Yeah, you could say the break up's made you realize you need time to work on yourself and deal with things before you jump back in.
     
    • Like x 1
  16. gills

    gills dead

    well, if i say no now, i can pretty much guarantee i won't have the option to return later.

    (still going to respond more in-depth to some things when i get home, just thinking about things now.)
     
  17. gills

    gills dead

    well. he just messaged me back. he said we can talk again but he's going to be more distant, which.....i have no idea what that would even look like? but. right now i'm mad so i don't care that much.
     
  18. gills

    gills dead

    two minutes into conversation and he's called me a dependent shithead oh boy
     
  19. esotericPrognosticator

    esotericPrognosticator still really excited about kobolds tbqh

    yeah, okay, damn is that rude. you're justified in being angry.
     
  20. gills

    gills dead

    i kind of wish i'd told him to fuck off but i know i'm mad right now and i'd regret it
     
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