thanks guys. i know it's not always going to feel this bad; it's already a lot better than it was. i don't feel like i'm dying anymore, more like "gee this sucks, i am sad and kind of hurt but i will live."
I'm really glad to hear you're feeling better than you were ;w; I was worried about you. It's super tough to go through stuff like this, the fact that you've managed to work through it like this is pretty awesome! Much luck to you on your friend-making quest!
sorry for missing a few of the developments today, but I am so, so glad to hear that you're feeling better! I was worried about you too. but I think all of the decisions you have made in interacting with him have been the right ones, and I think you're well on the path to getting over him. hope you stick around Kintsugi some more; I'm new too, but it does seem super cool.
i think i'm planning on sticking around, this place seems pretty nice. i need to branch out a bit instead of just responding to my own thread :P
god dammit. god fucking dammit he's messaging me again and venting and he wants money. i am upset and i can feel my brain shifting hard into "we must help him we must fix things did u forget this is your calling in life." slams head against a wall. WHY.
yeah, okay, tell your brain not to give him money. just in case that wasn't clear. Jesus Christ is this guy transparent.
at this point I'm starting to think , honestly. although that may be a bit harsh and not exactly what gills wants to hear. certainly he is incredibly self-centered.
i have not given him money. i am smacking my brain with a rolled up newspaper for considering giving him money. why do i want to help so badly? why does him going "but i'm in a really bad place you're the only one who can help :(" make me shed actual tears because i am trying to not help??? stop this ride please i'd like this to end
@esotericPrognosticator what's your thinking behind calling narcissist? not saying yea or nay, i'm just curious
"i'm sorry i'm typing a lot i just missed you so much" really? did you really????? christ i'm so angry but also i want to crumble and just go back to dedicating my life to him.
well, it's because you're exceptionally kind and empathetic, and that's not a bad thing, not at all. it is in fact very much admirable. it's just perhaps a little excessive in this situation. well, I'm not pretending to be able to diagnose him, not even a Informal Internet Diagnosis. it would perhaps be more accurate to say that I think he displays narcissistic traits, which may be either not nearly prevalent enough to be diagnosable or attributable to something else, maybe. but the phrasing he used in his breakup with you, for instance, demonstrates very little concern for your feelings, presumably because you weren't benefitting him at the moment. also his usage of you solely as a venting outlet. also asking you for money literally like two days after he broke up with you. also I think you said he displayed a lot of indifference towards the trouble you were having even before the breakup? point is, he seems to think of himself and only himself, and that is narcissistic.
I understand the feeling. When I went through a bad breakup I saw his sad posts and wanted to go back to trying to fix all his problems for him. The only thing that kept me from it was knowing that if I did, we would just return to the same dynamic that led to the breakup in the first place. It would probably be a good idea to block him, hard as that might be, otherwise you're just going to keep feeling guiltybad every time he talks to you.
@esotericPrognosticator i think that's fair enough. however, the way he's acting now is SO different from how he acted earlier in the relationship; he used to be incredibly caring, very gentle, very patient. there was a shift at some point where he suddenly became much less so. i'm not trying to excuse him or to talk myself into getting back with him. just....the way he is acting now hasn't been a consistent attitude. although he did always have swings of...idk if i'd call it narcissism, but times when he'd talk about how he's the best and i would praise him. @budgie i don't feel like i can block him now because part of the conditions of me being friends with him again was that i never cut him off again.
...I mean, since as far as I'm hearing from you this has been one shift in mood overall, I can't say this is what's happening, but that sorta reminds me of the cycle of abuse thing, where he abuser will act like a great, caring partner for a little while, then slowly stop that, act in some abusive way, and then after the explosion happens wane off, apologize, promise to not do it again, and then return to being a decent partner for a while
Friendship that is conditional is not friendship. That's just a business relationship - he will keep feeding your dependency needs as long as you do what he tells you to.
@amberbydreams i'm familiar with the abuse cycle, i'm not sure this is that? i don't think he's done anything abusive? if anything, honestly, i worry i might be...early on in the relationship i would break down and say i was going to leave, he would cry and beg me not to, i would promise to stay, wait a bit, it should happen again. @Lissa Lysik'an but after conflict, isn't it ok for friends to set boundaries? like "i want to continue being your friend but i can't do that if you continue doing this thing that hurts me."
There is a difference between a boundary and a condition. He's dictating that you are not allowed a behavior that is perfectly normal response to feeling threatened/overwhelmed. That is not a boundary. A boundary is actions TOWARD them. Actions to protect yourself are not boundary violations - EVER. When someone tells you that you are not allowed to protect yourself - start running away.
