Chronic depression and other garbage

Today has been a far worse day than it should have been and I'm currently hating myself and my chest hurts and I don't understand why I exist.

I need help. I need help. Badly. I do not have the resources to get a therapist right now. I don't know what to do. Can someone help? Please?

 

what have you tried so far? have you tried Stop Breathe Think? do you have any meditation exercises downloaded? what about white noise/noise generators like mynoise.net?

also if you wanna talk about it feel free. i have dysthymia - sometimes it gets called chronic depression, but i dunno what yours presents as. but if you want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to constantly live at a low baseline of numbness, i'm totes here. and i'm doing a graduate degree and am married so life's not impossible, if that makes you feel any better.

 

I don't know what stop breathe think is, no I haven't done any meditation exercises, why the shit would noise help at all? Talking sounds good. I'll have to look up what dysthymia is.

My depression issues are... odd. Or are they? Who the fuck knows. And depression isn't my only issue, I also deal with perfectionism and severe jealousy problems. Which I know aren't even mental illnesses but oh my god do they affect my life on a regular basis.

 

:( sounds shitty. i definitely sympathize on the perfectionism front, it sucks. jealousy is also a really rough road, though i don't have as much experience with that on a regular basis. in any case, none of those are fun to deal with.

Here's a link to Stop Breathe Think. it's a bunch of guided meditations that can be really useful. i often pair them with music from singing bowls or else a noise generator, otherwise I find my brain wanders and i don't pay attention to the meditation.

another reason i suggested noise generators is that sometimes they can help reduce the brain babble/brain fog, or even just induce some happier brain waves. there are specific noise generators that are supposed to trigger particular brain waves - i dunno if that's legit, but i know i often feel better listening to some calming noise, even if it's in the background. mynoise.net is a great site because it has a seriously impressive collection of different sound generators.

i'm headed to bed now, but i'll check in here in the morning. if you want to rant or just talk about what depression is for you - or whatever you feel like - i'll reply then. :)

 

im here to listen if you need to talk, depression sucks. meditation has never worked for me because i don't have the patience for it, but vent art/writing has helped me when the brainbugs get really bad

like if i'm dealing with an issue around self worth, i'll write some angsty fic about a character who also has issues with self worth. it's a bandaid, not a cure, but it has helped me

 

Some information on my issues. I've been dealing with this shit for a decade- the first time I had those thoughts was triggered by a bullying incident in middle school. It took me years to even seek real help for it, and now I'm on antidepressants, and they help, but they aren't a cure-all. There are days where I'm completely fine, everything is normal if not good. Then there are days where I question why I even exist. Today was one of those days and I'm too ashamed to even say why. I found this Positivity Challenge online- look for the positive side of everything for 7 days straight- and decided to try it, starting today. I couldn't make it til dinner. Most often I don't feel overly sad, I feel drained and hopeless.

I have serious ego issues. In college, one of my classmates... well. He isn't here anymore. And I blamed myself. I barely even knew him and I blamed myself for not responding to an email he sent me about my issues. I tend to be very defensive and take things personally, even when I shouldn't.

The jealousy is apparently a bigger issue than I realized. It's affecting my daily life. It's upsetting my friends, which is the last thing I want to do. I need to get over it as soon as possible, even before the depression.

 

witnessed, that's tough stuff.

maybe try to think of just some positive things? reasons the day was good. like, the weather, or seeing a dog or something. start smaller? finding a positive side to everything sounds completely exhausting tbh :(

 

I need an intervention regarding the jealousy thing.

 

Hm. I wonder what might help with that. Maybe some guided meditations focusing outward? Looking at the SBT list, I'm wondering about Gratitude, Commonality of Suffering, Cause and Effect, or Equanimity?

I'm not certain what would break the cycle - whether trying to focus outward would create self-loathing for not doing so previously? I don't know. Maybe worth a shot.

 

I have no idea. It's worth a shot. If anyone else had advice with the jealousy thing (and wanting external validation, comparing myself to others, etc) I'd appreciate it very much.

 

Well, that was relaxing. But I'm not sure how much it helped with my issues. Relaxation is important but i need solutions.

 

I know that when I was at the height of my suicidal days, my cat was a big help with dealing with that. Because I kinda guilted myself with "but if I die, who will take care of Bob?". Also he was my precious baby and would cuddle with me when I was feeling bad. So if your circumstances allow, having a furry friend can give you something to focus on that will love you and also gives you something to do. Can't get up the can to do anything for yourself that day? But your furry friend is relying on you, so at least feed furry one.

For other things... writing helped me. Just getting the emotions out there on paper, or writing a fantasy to make yourself feel better or to make a character suffer. Also when not in a funk, the last couple of months I've worked on some music playlists, including songs that tend to make me happy or at least calm. And if you have a close friend who will just listen when you need it... I sometimes feel bad about unloading all of my shit on Kaitie all the time, but she says she doesn't mind, and talking to her makes me feel better/helps me untangle my head.

For the jealousy thing... Uhhh, I'm not sure because I don't tend to get very jealous? But for comparing yourself to others, one counselor had me keep a journal where I kept my thoughts throughout the day, especially regarding how I thought of myself. And then you go back over it after you've been doing it a couple of weeks and just try to look at it like you were saying that stuff about someone other than you, like one of your friends? Probably best to do that exercise with another person if you can, but you could do it alone if you have to.

Not sure if any of this will help, but I hope something works for you *hug*

 

I actually already have a cat, he likes to hang out with me while I'm on the computer. That probably helps. Overall my depression isn't so bad unless something causes me to feel upset about something, then I tend to fall apart easily.

I did a little writing this morning. Jealousy does not line up with any of my personal values. I have to stop being jealous so I can live more in line with my values.

 

What I primarily use SBT for is to remind myself of the positive things I'm trying to replace my negative self-talk with. I think that would also be the goal for you - to replace/remind yourself to replace the jealous thoughts with positive thoughts. Since you disagree with the jealousy, you could consider it intrusive - and then maybe you can make a habit of consciously disagreeing with the jealous thoughts and replacing them with compassionate ones.

I dunno if it'll work - just an idea.

 

yeah, I also have a lot of unwanted jealous reactions (also chronic depression! but nothing I've done aside from getting working meds has helped that, so I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you there), and the way I deal with those is to recognize that they are irrational and not in line with my usual empathetic standards, and then just kind of... put them aside? like, there's nothing I can do to get rid of the jealous emotions, unfortunately, even if I don't want to have them, but I make sure I don't mention or act in ways influenced by them. that way, they stay my problem, not anyone else's, and they thus don't violate my standards of kind and charitable interactions. one thing that does tend to happen when I employ this strategy and for which I would caution you to keep an eye out is my using my jealousy as an excuse to beat myself up for being a terrible, mean person. (yay shitty depression self-esteem!!!) so if you keep your jealousy to yourself, you might want to watch for that kind of disordered thinking. hope this was somewhat helpful! :)

 

I already have that issue. However, I'm not so good at setting the feelings aside and not acting on them. I do need to work on that. I've needed to work on that for a long time. Hopefully now I can seriously buckle down and do it now that I've taken steps to say "this is not who I want to be, this is hurting my friends, this does not line up with my values, therefore it has to stop."

Today was not a good day. I relapsed and self-harmed after a month and a half of not doing so.

 

witnessed with regard to your bad day, but hopefully future days will be better. and yeah, I would definitely recommend identifying, acknowledging, and then not acting upon emotions that are irrational/that you don't want to have as a coping method, since that's like my #1 way of dealing with depression- and/or anxietybrain. (like I said, it doesn't do much to stop my brain's wild background screeching, but it does help me stay... emotionally stable, I guess you would say, or at least it helps me act that way.) I hope you're able to work on and eventually implement it and that it makes you and/or your friends feel better.

 

if you want self-guided therapy books, i have a few recs. they were specifically "prescribed" as my courseload in a bout of dbt therapy.

sometimes platitudes seem meaningless, but others stick with you. one that i like is "feelings are temporary, you are forever." if you're feeling jealous, well, you're not going to feel that way forever. maybe it seems like you will, but you won't. moods come and go. and while it's not exactly a help in the tackling department, it's a good start in the caging department. nuclear containment.

it seems like with the jealousy issue in particular you might have what someone described at one point as "moral dysphoria." i don't know how helpful that term will be for you, but it makes sense to me.

or it could be that you are living in undiagnosed personality disorder hell, which, hi, hello, come roast here with me. i'm bpd. i have (had) those jealousy problems. mostly i had to learn that the fears i had were kind of unjustified by external reality, because jealousy w/r/t relationships with other people is usually fear of abandonment, and jealousy w/r/t other people in general is usually fear of never being that awesome. and fears are dumb, and stupid, and intrusive thoughts, and they're a real pain in the ass to deal with sometimes, but. nuclear containment. you may not be able to slay the beast, but knowing it exists is half the problem, so you're halfway to having it solved imo.

none of this probably helps, i've been here (hell i'm here right now) and sometimes all i wanted to do was argue with people about "no that won't work because reasons." if you're feeling like that right now: hella witnessed.

oh, as a more practical, less navel-gaze-y thing: live hour by hour if you have to, or minute by minute. just make it to the next fifteen minutes past, or make it through the next fifteen minutes. sometimes trying to think about how to solve major life problems is actually too much for your brain. go easy. get through it however you have to. also, sleep hygiene and healthy food help me a lot, you might want to think about that for you. if you need more practical tips on those last two, i can probably go more in depth if you want.

 

I wish my sister had one ounce of respect for me and my boundaries. I don't want to have to yell at her and argue with her for twenty minutes to get her to leave my room. I don't want to need mom to intervene and get her to leave my room. She's eighteen, not eight. She's supposed to act like an adult. I have gone from "okay, we had fun talking, can you go now?" to "how many times do I have to tell you I don't like song mashups" to "get the FUCK out of my room, I'm officially pissed" and I don't think I should have to do that.

It's very simple. You're in my room. When I ask you to get out, do it.

Update- day two, same shit happened today.

 

I'm remembering something very upsetting that my mom told me about. And now I'm going to have trouble sleeping.

Does anyone else get incredibly angry about disgusting, sickening crimes? On a related note, if we have a death penalty, can we sentence people to be burned to death?