Chronic depression and other garbage

One more big thing I forgot I hate about myself (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)- my fucking memory. I can’t remember fucking anything unless it’s a useless hobby. Ask me about Pokémon or the rules of a dozen different RPG systems, and I can tell you. Ask me what plan ID “PERX” is at work, what a medication is for, my best friend’s address, or what I had for breakfast last week, and I’d probably die before I remember it.

Just today I forgot to do the laundry. Then Mom called me and reminded me to do the laundry. Less than five minutes later I went to the basement to exercise and do the laundry, and I forgot the fucking laundry.

 

big mood

 

My memory interferes with my job and I wanna shoot myself over it

I may as well, with how bad my brain works.

 

Friend: (tries to convince me I’m not a bad person, should work on my self esteem, and stop comparing myself to others)

Me: (horrible person, born into privilege, stripped naked on the Internet for attention, once taken away by the cops): sounds fake but okay buddy

 

New plan- fuck all y’all, I’m a horrible person and I can’t get better and everyone needs to just accept it.

 

:U you're not the boss of me, and I still honestly think you can get better.

 

Well I don’t. I’ve been trying to get better for over a year. It hasn’t worked.

 

Oh, buddy. It takes so much longer than a year to notice any improvement in yourself. Don’t give up this easily. It took me years to reach a point where I was able to make noticeable improvements, and I spent the whole time up until then wondering why I was bothering, and now it finally feels worth it. You can hang in there, You’re stronger than you realize.

 

It's taken me AGES and I still backslide occasionally, but I know this isn't how I want to be so I keep pushing. Does that suck? Ye. Have I seen improvements though, and am I more at peace thanks to the progress I've made? Hell to the fuck ye. If things only took a year to get better I'm p sure nobody would be miserable ever because "Oh it'll only take a year or so." Some things are quick fixes in life but stuff like this just isn't, it's an ongoing process.

like. shit, pottery for example of process and progress. First you gotta get the idea, then you gotta knead out the clay, then you have to throw the clay and shape it. Then you have to do that multiple times probably because you don't make a perfect vase on your first throw. And even if you do? You still have to let it dry, do the initial bake and hope it doesn't crack or get damaged, then glaze it and hope you don't suddenly hate it after you get color on it. ...and then you don't just stop, you make another one. because the next one'll be even better because you have to hone your skills. people spend decades perfecting crafts that really call to their hearts, self improvement is kind of like a craft. you'll wonder why its worth it now, but if you keep going and giving it your best, backslides and all because those absolutely happen, you'll look back and wonder why you ever thought you'd want to give up.

(and this is said as someone who is allergic to being patient. trust me. it worth it.)

 

... I only have so long to get better. I’ll keep trying I guess.

Any suggestions on where to start?

 

I hate myself
I hate my memory
Why am I even alive?

 

I hate people. I hate people so much.

 

Apparently eating “empty calories” puts stress on your body/brain because they don’t have nutrients.

How about I just fucking kill myself. Just give up. Now.

 

...??? empty calories don't exist and I hate that phrase with a fucking passion
Carbohydrates and proteins and fat are nurtrients, and are necessary for you. If you can get other things in your food, that's great! It's awesome! But if the choice is between eating something that only covers the main three and doesn't contain vitamins and minerals, or not eating at all? Eating """"empty"""" calories is the preferable option.

 

What’s an alternative to antidepressants.

 

uhhh generally talk therapy?
there are some herbs that have mild antidepressive properties but I wouldn't fuck around with those if I were you bc it's rly difficult to get a reliable dosage and shit
Do you get enough sunlight or do you take VitD supplements or something? sometimes having a lack of Vitamin D can manifest in a very similar way to depression

 

I’m taking a low level vitamin D supplement. I guess I can work on finding a therapist.

 

I’m so sick of living in a family where we all hate each other. Blood and money are the only reasons we’re still together.

 

Spoiler

I should just kill my self instead of trying to create anything. I’m a man, or at least AMAB, I was never meant to create, only destroy. I should give up, at the very least.

 

I’m never going to lose weight. It’s march. It’s gone from “two months until con” to “two weeks until con” and I haven’t lost a pound. I hate this me my body my life everything.