Chronic depression and other garbage

Why does Mom have to take it personally when I’m depressed. Why am I not allowed to be depressed. I’m not her servant and I don’t wanna be her perfect happy helpful boy all the time.

 

What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?

 

Bad thought spiral

 

I’m never good enough! I never will be good enough! I’ll never do enough! It’s just like work! If I fill 15 prescriptions, 20 more get dropped off before I’m done! I’ll never catch up!

I’m fat and lazy and ugly and stupid and not creative and greedy and forgetful and AMAB and white and depressed and NOT depressed enough and generally a loser! And I should kill my self!!

 

food and video games will never say they don't want me around anymore.

 

I actually had a really bad night and was crying and congested so much it was hard to breathe

I’m so pathetic

And horrible

 

Throwing things is an Outlet

I need to get some things to break and throw tomorrow

 

I'm going to kill myself someday. I don't know when. I don't know how. But someday it will be too much to keep living. And I will die.

 

Apparently I ruined a budding friendship with my suicidal ideation so that sucks.

 

It must be nice to not care what anyone else thinks or feels.

 

Spoiler for death/dying mentions.

Spoiler

Okay, so I watched Coco last night with a friend and oh my god that was such a good movie and so emotional. I cried quite a bit. It got me thinking about death, and my own family, and my future/my death. My mom is the same age my grandmother was when she died. Since this is The Year, she's worried, and I'm worried too. I keep saying she has plenty of time, but... well. the worry isn't going to go away til next year. I thought about my grandparents- my grandmother I never met, and my grandfather I didn't see often enough because he lived two states away. I thought about if anyone is going to care if I die. I really don't think many people will. I have a family. I have a handful of friends. No one else will care. And no one will remember. Nothing I have done in life matters to anyone. I want to matter. I want to be remembered. I want to be important. I want validation from others, in life and in death. And I know it isn't healthy. But I'm not sure what else to think.

 

What happens if I’m NOT trans? What happens if I’m cis, male and straight? What happens if all this BULLSHIT about my gender has been for nothing?

I hate every aspect of myself. But I hate those three factors more than most others. I truly feel like people who *are those things* are worse than other people. I feel like I’M worse than other people. But I’m worried I’m just using gender bulkshit as a way to escape parts of myself I’m not comfortable with.

 

I’m so tired of living here. All we do is kill each other slowly.

 

Dad wants me to move out so he can have his own room.

 

I can’t even open a bottle of soda without causing a problem. I hate my life. I want to be dead.

 

Gonna talk to my therapist about how much of a sack of shit I am tomorrow

 

I wanna give up.

 

Having memory problems makes it really hard to get through life.

 

tfw your best friend refers to someone else as her best friend

 

Things I forgot today:

To ask for the right days off work for a family vacation
The mileage for mom's car
I don't remember the third one