Chronic depression and other garbage

Feeling like I'm not good enough for my mom really sucks.

 

Well, today started off with Mom and my sister screaming at each other and now we're concerned someone might call the police.

I have to get out of this house.

 

Also fuck you, dad. I know you work long days too but here's the thing, you're used to that and youve been doing it for years. You sit on your ass half the time driving from one job site to another, meanwhile i was on my feet for eight and a half of my nine hours today. And no i dont wanna go buy dish soap after working an extra long day in the pharmacy (which is stressful as hell when im not even fully trained back there yet), but here's the thing- you never wanna go run errands after work either you fucking lazy pig. Fuck you. I didn't self harm this time, today was pretty fucking good considering how it started, im so fucking sorry i dont wanna go run errands at 7:30 at night.

 

My life will be so much better once i move out. No more abusive family members. No more being afraid in my own home. No more parents controlling my life. More freedom and privacy to do what i want, when i want to. I cant fucking wait.

 

I hate how my dads default response to Mom not wanting him to do something is to threaten her with divorce. Can't buy a new phone and put it in the living room? Get a divorce. Cant take an entire week off work to remodel the basement? Get a divorce.

 

I wonder if I'll ever believe it's okay to make mistakes.

 

People are always like "you need to love yourself", what for?

 

Today, I went to the wedding of two of my best friends. It was so wonderful, everyone was happy and full of love and good wishes for them. It was such an honor to take part in it. And I'm happy.

I want to be this happy for the rest of my life.

 

Well, that didn't last long.

 

I get very tired of living here sometimes. This morning has been a combination of mom screaming, mom crying, my sister bitching, and mom screaming. I am not able to do anything to make this situation better and it bothers me a lot.

 

I'm having a breakdown and I'm not okay

I don't wanna be me anymore, Everyone hates me

 

I am so sick of people hating me

And mocking me

You all just want me to go away. You'd be happier without me. Don't you lie to me. I tell the truth and i deserve the truth from you in return.

You can all go to hell, i'll meet you there.

 

Someone just blocked me on tumblr again. What have I done in the last 24 hours on there? I've reblogged some positivity messages, asked people to be honest with me, and interacted with someone else's blog. I don't understand what I did that caused someone to block me. I am not comfortable with not understanding things. I am trying. I swear I am trying. Please stop leaving?

 

Mom thinks people who consider making suicide attempts/"jumpers" or whatever you call them should be charged for taking the time of the personnel who assist them and convince them not to go through with their attempts. As someone who has had suicidal thoughts, I don't really know how to respond to that.

 

If that were the case then there'd be way more successful suicide attempts, because those vulnerable people wouldn't reach out for help. That plan is only ok if the person is cool with a bunch of needless death in the world, she probably hasn't considered that people who threaten suicide are serious and not just faking for attention.

 

Yeah I don't really know why she has the perspective she does regarding depression and suicide and such, considering she's had a friend go through with it before.

And thank you.

 

Heh, I can think of about eleven different ways to pick a fight by responding to that statement, but that's not very helpful.

 

Really tired of not being good enough.

 

This entire day was pointless. I spent hours moving furniture, cleaning my closet and sorting paint, and what happened? We couldn't donate the paint today, that's only on Saturday. The furniture was frustrating and I had trouble putting a shelving unit together. Mom got mad at me over some of the stuff I wanted to donate from my closet, AND had me put two new totes of stuff in there.

The only thing I did today was get upset and make someone else upset in the process.

 

As someone who can't even manage to be normal, it's kinda weird that I think I'm supposed to be better than normal. My expectations of myself are higher than my expectations of other people and it's weird.

Also. I had a dream where I got jealous of someone I've gotten jealous of IRL before. Even subconsciously I'm a horrible person.