Chronic depression and other garbage

Is it okay for me to continue writing things here?

 

It's definitely okay. If you want more people from the other thread to move over here, you might mention this thread to them. ^_^

 

I'm not sure whether it's okay for me to be as open as I am about my various life problems. Talking about it helps me (or at least helps me get help), but am I just being a burden and/or an annoyance to everyone?

 

I don't feel like you are at all burdensome or annoying.

If you find it helpful to talk about things, then I see no reason why you shouldn't. I think this is a totally reasonable place for recording and discussing and even shouting about your life problems.

Do you have a specific worry? Like, are you concerned that people won't want to hear about it, or that they'll be upset if you're too open?

 

I'm worried people will think I'm being whiny and needy and a burden, and not able to handle my own problems. I understand that I need help, but from my perspective, needing help is a bad thing.

 

Ah, understood. I struggle with that too.

It's an odd balancing act, when on one hand you desperately need human contact and on the other hand there's this incredible uncertainty about reaching out to people.

 

Yeah. Well i guess i can just vent here and people can stop by if they want to?

 

I need to stop being male.

 

I think I remember you mentioning once before that the existence of misogyny was making you feel uncomfortable about being male. Assuming I remembered correctly, is it that? Is it something else?

 

That's part of it? I suffer from White Guilt (tm) and Male Guilt (tm) for being born into privilege I did nothing to earn, yet feel like I can't do enough to make the world a more equal place.

Also, almost every time I hear about something bad happening, it's a mans fault. Whether it's a historical thing or news of the week, 9 times out of 10, it's a guy who did it. Women are capable of doing bad things, but men do bad things a lot more, from what I can see. Men are scary and aggressive and loud and abusive and Bad and I don't want to be that. But I am. I'm honestly pretty terrible.

 

I mean, there's something to be said for acknowledging when you're in a position of privilege. As a fellow white person, I'm not really sure what to do with that, either.

I do strongly feel that it's no less valid to be a white man than it is to be any other way. You are valid. There is nothing wrong with being the way you are.

If you're going to try to balance the scales by suffering more, then I think you're right about it never being enough. I think that unless you're literally Jesus, there is no way your suffering is going to make the world a better place. It just makes it a place in which one more person is suffering because of other people's bad behavior.

 

I don't really think I'm "valid", but thank you.

And yeah, me feeling bad doesn't help literally anyone, so I need to work on not beating myself up so much for things beyond my control.

 

Why do people who make really popular shitposts continue to tick me off? Related, when will I get my five minutes of internet fame?

 

Related- i continue to want to be someone else. Sometimes specific people, sometimes not. My friends keep telling me i cant be someone else, i can only be myself, but i really dont like myself and dont understand why anyone else would. So few people care i even exist. I literally dont matter except to people who i speak to directly. Meanwhile, people younger than me are getting their doctorates or running for mayor of major cities. I dont matter. At all. It bothers me.

As with my other issues, i go around and around and around in circles because im not strong enough to either fix my mental issues or get sufficient help to do so. Im so weak.

 

Me @ tumblr- I am making Star Wars jokes for you. Where's my attention? Where's. My. Attention.

Me @ anyone who's popular on tumblr- fuk yu

 

I used to wish I had amnesia so I wouldn't have to live with being myself.

I don't think having a mental issue makes you weak. It means you have to fight that much harder against resistance all the time in daily life. You have to be so much stronger just to function at all.

(Someday you may find that everyone around you is reeling, totally useless and unable to deal, but not you. You've survived so much worse.)

 

(Sitting in a chair, playing video games) (haven't done any significant activity all day, and wearing a single layer of clothing)
(Suddenly I start sweating badly)

I'm disgusting and hate my body.

 

I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I miscounted a patients medication. I got a different patients name wrong, despite spelling it out to verify. I'm not good enough at this.

 

I've had to hurt myself twice today already. I'm not doing well enough.

 

Oh no! The medication counting sounds like something I can vividly imagine doing myself. I'm not good at that sort of thing. Even if it's right fucking in front of me, I will find a way to screw up instructions.

It's not a moral failing to make a mistake, though. It doesn't mean you're bad. If this has happened repeatedly to you and only you, maybe the system they're using isn't a good one for your needs. Otherwise, human error is a regrettable but unavoidable feature of being human.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.