Chronic depression and other garbage

I think it would be a lot better if human error was something I could avoid. Being inhuman and perfect would most likely be better than being human and flawed. But I can't do that. I have to keep making mistakes because I have no choice in the matter but I am not okay with that and don't know how to be okay with it.

People say I have to accept it, and I don't see how that helps anything. "I can't be perfect? Great! I'll just keep screwing things up, forever! That's wonderful!" How do I stop feeling like garbage over it?

 

As a perfectionist, I sympathize so hard.

 

Thank you for the sympathy, I appreciate it.

 

I'm now 2 for 2 on harming myself on days I work pharmacy.

 

I am really tired of not being good enough for my mom.

 

People: (pay attention to other people, but not me)

Me: okay you know what? Fuck you

 

Hey, how are you doing?

 

Replying late. I had a string of good days starting on my birthday, but today was the end of it.

I have a thread in the Witness Me section for one of the issues, but besides that, everything is just more frustrating than usual today as a result. I hate people who make popular memes on tumblr. Why can't I be internet popular? I want people to like me. I want attention. I want big numbers. And I wanna be a woman, I wanna be a pretty lesbian alien/lizard person instead of a fucking disgusting monster. I don't like the way I look compared to other people. I don't want to be jealous, or hate myself. Today is bad. Today is hard.

 

Men are evil, why do I have to be one?

 

Note to self. Separate "something I did didn't go well" from "I'm horrible and I feel horrible."

 

Okay I seriously need help as soon as possible.

 

I don't have time to talk right now, but if you think some one on one talking would be helpful right now, you can hit up the I Need Support thread so more people can see.

I have felt the "okay but how do I stop feeling like the world is ending because I made a small error" feeling and it's absolute suck. I will try to think if I have concrete advice on how to work on that and share it here if come up with anything.

 

They don't deserve attention. What the fuck did they do to deserve attention? All they did was post something that someone else animated and got over 10k notes. Fuck them.

At least I have 28 followers again... yay...

 

Today is a high stress day for my family, which means also me. Oh boy.

 

I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough! Help???

 

@tickingnectarine sympathy like; i know that feel and if your feels are anything like my feels, it will pass, you can do it

 

I just want to be enough!!! I'm mad at me! Mom is mad at me! Customers are probably mad at me! My boss is probably mad at me!

 

Where did my need for attention (mostly on the internet, sometimes irl) come from? What caused this? I don't remember being like this back in college except regarding relationships. Now I'm just. Jealous and angry, a lot.

 

Nothing works

Cosplay doesn't work. Fan fiction doesn't work. Shitposting doesn't work. Insulting doesn't work. Nudity doesn't work. I'm not getting attention.

Why doesn't anything work?

 

In all seriousness, if even showing myself naked doesn't get attention, what the heck will? What do you people want? What do any people want? I want to be pretty and talented and a woman and better and perfect and so many things and I'm not, I'm a sack of garbage, I'm a boy, I'm worthless and not good at my job and not good at emotions and not good at being a friend and honestly just suck.