Chronic depression and other garbage

I'm feeling bad today. I screwed up and apparently I'm working on the same day mom and her friend (who has a sprained ankle) need help setting up for an antique show, so I can't be there to help them until the afternoon. And my boss in the pharmacy says I have to work faster. I feel like I'm letting people down.

 

I'm kinda frustrated at my mom. She, and other people, tell me "you need to not let other people's stress influence you." And I'm like "it doesn't work that way. Being around people who are stressed makes me stressed." And she countered this with "well then why haven't you went out to get a gun and shoot people? You don't let that influence you!" That's not even fucking comparable.

But seriously, how do people not get stressed out by stress?

 

…is that even possible? Don't you have to just hate everyone enough to enjoy that they're stressed out in order to not join in on the stress party?

 

I'm not really good at hating people. I mean, I hate my dad, but him yelling and being upset and upsetting my mom still makes me upset/stressed.

 

I pick up other people's stress, too. It's an empathy thing. It helps me a little if I can recognize that it's not my stress, figure out whose stress it is, and if possible, figure out why they're stressed.

I'm much less vulnerable if I'm really calm for some reason, like if I just finished a half hour yoga session or something.

It's the absolute worst when it's your parents' stress, imo. My doctor has theorized that growing up with anxious or unpredictable parents might make it important to be tuned into how they're feeling and how stressed they are so you're less at the mercy of their whims and mood swings. I think it can get better if you get to a point in life where you're able to get some geographical distance from your parents, but as far as I know it won't ever actually go away.

 

I'll try to focus on "it's not my stress, it's their stress, this is why they're stressed" and such. Thank you.

 

I don't really have a life.

I go to work, I help mom with chores and errands. I play video games and browse the Internet. Sometimes I hang out with friends. Once every few months I go to an anime convention.

My life is stagnant. Meanwhile, some of my friends have school, a job AND cosplays, which they actually make instead of buying, and I don't understand how they can do it.

I'm pathetic and my life is pathetic. How do I get a life?

 

And whenever I get like this, or complain about having such a small number of friends, I always gent guilt tripped about it by mom. Which doesn't really help.

 

Why am I such a pathetic piece of trash

 

I'm not good enough and my memory isn't good enough. I am resisting the impulse to hurt myself.

 

Do you need someone to talk to? Have you got something to distract yourself with?

 

I'm distracted I guess. What I want is to not have memory problems ever again. I want to be better.

Why do I keep thinking I'm not good enough :(

 

I don't know. Sucky feeling though :(

 

Someday I won't live here.

 

I hate my family I hate my life I hate my body I hate my self

The only good things right now are video games and my friends haven't abandoned me.

 

So a 17/18 year old I know is going to be on a panel at a convention in July. They've been cosplaying for multiple years now. When I was their age I had suicidal depression, like four friends, and had only attended a convention once. It would be a few more years before I tried cosplay.

Why was I so late to the game? Why am I such a loser?

 

I'm doing that "my life has no value unless other people give me attention" thing again. Like, I know logically that I have as much value as any other human being. I exist, therefore I am worthy of existing. I am no more or less special than anyone else. But if no one cares about me or what I do, does that "count" or not?

 

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

 

I have survived suicidal thoughts before, so that's... something?

 

Okay, serious "I need help" time now.

One of my coworkers is moving to California at the end of July. The pharmacy manager has said I'm going to be taking over most of their hours, and also that I need to be able to handle my emotions and not be so visibly stressed or upset when things go wrong. I'm going to have less help and more responsibility.

Advice? Please? How do I better handle stress and emotions?