Chronic depression and other garbage

One way I manage stress and avoid breakdowns is just take "bathroom" breaks when I really need a break from humans. I can sit on the toilet, close my eyes, and silent scream for a couple of minutes before putting my customer service face back on and returning to work.

 

Okay. That helps. What about getting to the point where I need less breaks?

 

The year is half over and I'm worried I haven't accomplished enough.

 

Why am I such a loser

 

I'm not good enough at my job

 

Had a dream about some stuff that happened months ago, feeling regretful and bad.

 

Still not good enough

 

Mom says I want to have depression. She says I don't really have it. She says the reason I had my breakdown in November is because of a lack of self control.

You know what? Maybe she's right. Maybe I do want to have depression. Because what's the alternative- she's right? I had a breakdown, yelling repeatedly about how I was going to kill myself, because I didn't control myself? If I don't have depression and this is just my inability to manage my emotions and express them properly, I am a disgusting loser man-child and should be shot.

Related, I want to have some kind of gender issues, because if I don't, then the only reason I like feminine things and dressing like a girl is because I'm a fucking pervert.

If there's not something wrong with me, I am a horrible human being.

 

Honest question: why would an amab person liking "feminine" things and "dressing like a girl" be considered a pervert? After all they are just things someone may or may not like and clothes one may or may not wear. All gendering thereof is artificially assigned. Hell, "perversion" as a concept can only exist in opposition to a societally constructed "norm". Do not let society's pitfalls rule you. Like the things you like and dress the way you wish to dress.
Try seperating potential gender problems and society's opinions from why you like things and why you want to dress a certain way. honestly ask yourself what would be wrong with liking something or dressing a certain way. Follow the train of thought to its full end without mercy. Is the end some absurd appeal to western gender roles and values? I suspect so. Discard them. You do not need them. You are yourself, not your mother's opinion of you. The first step to living is living for yourself not for others' perception of you.

 

...

then you still deserve help. inability to deal with your emotions can be damaging to you, regardless of whether or not depression is the cause. even if you don't have depression (and tbh it REALLY sounds like depression to me-- i get snappy and irritable and can't deal with my emotions when i'm in a MDD slump, so it can definitely be a symptom), there's still SOMETHING going on, and you could probably benefit from talking to a therapist about it. the therapist could help you figure out if it's depression or something else, and can give you tools for dealing with your emotions.

also what @IvyLB said re: gender.

 

... why would I deserve help if this isn't a mental illness problem?

And why would I live for myself?

 

because EVERYONE deserves life and a chance at happiness, regardless of whether they're mentally ill or not.

 

problems are problems, no matter the source. if it's making you unahppy, you deserve help with it. full stop.

 

Honestly if you want to have the cynical answer it's because depending on anyone else to be your reason to live or your reaosn to e the way you are is not stable footing. You CAN rely on people for smaller things like jobs and maybe keeping to appointments and doing favors, but ultimately your self should be centered around your self because you are the only person who can never dodge out of this stuff. Ultimately you will always have to deal with yourself. So you should be the you that you like best, as much as you can. Other people might leave or you might want to leave them. But you yourself are your own bedrock. So start building on that foundation, instead of the wobbly poles around it.

 

I am so sick of nothing I do being good enough. I help mom more than anyone else in this house and it isn't ever enough. I literally help mom do her job she gets paid for and it isn't enough.

 

I'm...

Not a good person.

Fuck.

 

Today at work I was mostly doing good, aside from the pharmacist saying I need to work on filling faster. Then in the last fifteen minutes I kinda flopped and made four mistakes on one prescription (all corrected immediately but still). Way to go, me.

And I'm worried one of my friends is too busy for me. We don't talk much lately, maybe once a week or so, and she's... better than me. Studying a double major in college, in a successful relationship, femme attractive, plans on starting her own business, renting a place with her partner... I feel bad about comparing myself to her but I don't know how to stop, and her not talking to me isn't helping.

 

I'm never going to be impressive.

 

At some point I should really believe it when people say I'm doing a good job.

 

I fucking hate myself and I'm sick of being me and being imperfect, I'm not good enough.