Chronic depression and other garbage

I had a great idea. If I don't do anything, I can't do anything wrong.

 

What do you want from me? What emotion am I supposed to portray and how do I do it?

 

I'm a fucking dumbass and I'm sick of myself.

 

I'm a fucking loser

I could've been a pharmacist by now. I could've been a lot of things. I don't know what would've happened if I had stayed in college, but I sure wouldn't be working at a fucking retail pharmacy for three years. I don't have a reason to exist. My life is miserable. I'm miserable and I'm doing it to myself. I don't like my life or my family or my body or my job or men or america or white people.

I need to learn to suppress my emotions so I don't feel miserable. Not feeling good either is an acceptable consequence. I don't care.

 

My phone just hit me in the face.

 

One of these days I'm just going to kill myself. But today I have two and a half hours of work left.

 

So I was on a call with a telemarketer (I finally answered after 3 days of not doing so) and they were trying to get me to go to vegas for some reason and I... don't want to? And they're like "what do you like to do, then?" I like anime? "Okay, that's cool, what kind of anime do you like?" And I kinda... froze up. I'm not sure whether I didn't want to answer or was scared/embarrassed to answer.

I'm... a loser.

 

Humans are mostly evil and deserve to die and we're dooming the planet and other species to destruction, we hate and wage war against each other, everything wrong with the world is our fault, we should all die to save the planet.

 

Men are worse than others somehow. I understand women and nonbinaries aren't inherently good, but they're not AS bad as men.

 

Regret

 

I just wanna meld into my bed and not do anything.

 

You ever screw up before 8:30?

 

I CANNOT PHYSICALLY HANDLE talking to two people simultaneously. I am a loser, I am an incompetent human being, I can't do anything right and I HATE MYSELF.

 

I’m fat. I’m visibly fat whenever I wear a t shirt and I hate it. And I’m not good enough at handling my emotions. My room has been a mess for the past 8 months or so. I’m abusive and horrible. I look like a guy and was born as one, whether I am one now or not. I’m white. I’m either mentally ill or a manchild.

I really don’t like myself. At all.

 

Tired of being a fat ugly stupid loser

And I accidentally just sent someone a message saying we shouldn’t talk anymore, fuck my life

 

I think I’m getting better. But I still have a long way to go. If things don’t go according to plan or don’t work how they’re supposed to, i start to freak out. I don’t handle stress properly, either. But I’m doing okay.

 

So today was my first day back at work after my weekend vacation, and I backed into a display and broke a wine bottle. all over the floor. before lunch. but I handled it pretty well, just took it in stride. so I made a bad mistake that cost us time and product, but i didn't get too upset or freak out about it. so that's... progress.

 

If I just resign myself to being a loser and having a horrible life, would I be less stressed out?

 

Friend: shows me a picture of my cosplay from a year ago to cheer me up

Me: I’m ugly.

 

I don’t have anything to look forward to in my life. I mean. I have a book coming in the mail. That’s it.

I don’t know how much I can say here anymore.