So, I am very good at fixing things. I am good at problem solving. I am good at self care. What I am not good at, is having a passion. I am not good at wanting things. I am not good at having drives or large goals. Small goals, I’ve got easy. I am very good at small goals. I can outline them and problem solve them and accomplish them. But large goals? I just don’t have them. My brain very easily dismisses large goals and dreams. It just doesn’t value them. This becomes a problem when my smaller goals require external goals and wants in order to be successful. Specifically, my self care keeps being stopped because I don’t have a larger goal to stop me or motivate me. I am gaining weight. I don’t fit any of my favorite clothes. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like thinking about or changing my clothes, because I don’t have a lot that fits me anymore. I hate clothes shopping but have had to buy clothes anyways so I have something I can wear. The new clothes are okay, but they are mostly just different color repeats of a thing I found that I find comfy. This has been background distressing me for years. And I have researched and I have looked things up. I’ve changed my diet numerous times(many of which made me sick). I have made bi weekly exercise a routine. I keep looking up what the next step is every time I make some progress, and it turns out, my next step is having desires and dreams. I eat cuz I’m bored. I eat cuz I am sad and need some happiness juice in my brain. How do you fix this? By having something to do! By having hobbies and things that make you happy to fill the void of boredom. But I don’t really have those. I have in the past, but now doing any of them is a chore. And how do I make myself do chores? By having rewards! Small little gifts I want that I am willing to strive towards and suffer through the initial phase of turning a task into a habit. But I have none. I don’t have anything I want. I have no treats to reward myself with, besides food, which is very bad choice if you are trying to lose weight. And this is the same problem with exercising more. I have nothing to motivate me to exercise. I mean, would really like to fit my favorite clothes again, but that isn’t short term enough to get me to actually do the things I need to do. And I know that any plan I make that doesn’t have a reward is doomed to fail. I have studied myself well. I have learned what does and doesn’t work to make me do things. I know I can make myself do something once or twice, but I need a lot more than that make an actual change. And I am frustrated. Frustrated that I don’t have wants or dreams or desires.