Chronic lack of passion

Discussion in 'Your Bijou Blogette' started by rorleuaisen, Feb 27, 2020.

  1. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    So, I am very good at fixing things. I am good at problem solving. I am good at self care. What I am not good at, is having a passion. I am not good at wanting things. I am not good at having drives or large goals. Small goals, I’ve got easy. I am very good at small goals. I can outline them and problem solve them and accomplish them. But large goals? I just don’t have them. My brain very easily dismisses large goals and dreams. It just doesn’t value them.

    This becomes a problem when my smaller goals require external goals and wants in order to be successful. Specifically, my self care keeps being stopped because I don’t have a larger goal to stop me or motivate me. I am gaining weight. I don’t fit any of my favorite clothes. I don’t like looking in the mirror. I don’t like thinking about or changing my clothes, because I don’t have a lot that fits me anymore. I hate clothes shopping but have had to buy clothes anyways so I have something I can wear. The new clothes are okay, but they are mostly just different color repeats of a thing I found that I find comfy.

    This has been background distressing me for years. And I have researched and I have looked things up. I’ve changed my diet numerous times(many of which made me sick). I have made bi weekly exercise a routine. I keep looking up what the next step is every time I make some progress, and it turns out, my next step is having desires and dreams. I eat cuz I’m bored. I eat cuz I am sad and need some happiness juice in my brain. How do you fix this? By having something to do! By having hobbies and things that make you happy to fill the void of boredom. But I don’t really have those. I have in the past, but now doing any of them is a chore.

    And how do I make myself do chores? By having rewards! Small little gifts I want that I am willing to strive towards and suffer through the initial phase of turning a task into a habit. But I have none. I don’t have anything I want. I have no treats to reward myself with, besides food, which is very bad choice if you are trying to lose weight. And this is the same problem with exercising more. I have nothing to motivate me to exercise. I mean, would really like to fit my favorite clothes again, but that isn’t short term enough to get me to actually do the things I need to do.

    And I know that any plan I make that doesn’t have a reward is doomed to fail. I have studied myself well. I have learned what does and doesn’t work to make me do things. I know I can make myself do something once or twice, but I need a lot more than that make an actual change. And I am frustrated. Frustrated that I don’t have wants or dreams or desires.
    • Witnessed x 2
  2. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    So good news, it occurred to me that I can pace while I watch tv. It bypasses the motivation step because pacing is not a commitment nor an “exercise”. It also helps with the fact that I am often restless while watching shows and have a hard time finding an additional activity that isn’t too distracting. I watch shows on my phone because using the tv is Effort especially since the tv is set up on other people’s show services and thus do not have my lists and favorites and such.

    It also helps a tiny bit with me feeling bad about doing my hobbies because they are all sedentary activities. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help with the fact that I still don’t enjoy anything, which is why I watch shows to pass the time. It is a decent bandaid for my current state, but I suspect it will not be great ifn I ever actually have goals and desires and such again. Hopefully future Barb will have adequate improvement of state of being to be able to adjust habits as needed. But today I am bored and hungry and my feet are starting to hurt.
  3. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Went to therapy today. Bring up lack of passion/hobbies. Get like... no advise. Just “keep a look out” while focusing on other self care things, and “lots of people have trouble finding their passion”. This makes me sad and want to binge :/ because nothing has greater joy value to me than some carbs I’m gonna shit out later. I am like... two steps from disordered eating. Maybe one. Not really sure where the line is. But what I have isn’t healthy or useful.
  4. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Is sad. I’m frustrated and depressed. I am highly suspicious that the medication I started cuz chronic headaches is cause of anhedonia. And I am just sorta done fighting. Done fighting the appetite. Done fighting the weight. Done fighting all the side effects from different meds and trying to balance them out. I’m done.

    And what I need to do is talk to my psych because while I have strong feelings on what should be done, I am actually sure it is a wise idea and need consul. But, she’s out til May and the plague makes talking to doctors harder. Also I am concerned she may be unwell cuz she was kinda freaking out our last visit.

    In the mean time, I am only partially functional. And this would be livable if I knew it would have results(like say, trying new meds), but alas I sit here being miserable and frustrated for no reason.

    (and I am incredibly done with being a lap. I was fighting to get myself up and do things, and then I got two cats and a human in my lap. And it is hard enough fighting myself, much less two fluffy warm beasts and a napping person)
  5. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Well, it turns out that if I fall of the horse and flip it the bird, the horse tramples on me. It shouldn’t be surprising, but somehow it is. I gave up on self care cuz I was tired, and now my body feels like shit. So, now I have stopped moping on the ground and calmed the horse down.

    Got a new plan, so time to get back on the horse so that my body doesn’t just flip me the bird.
  6. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    So... I decided to remove rice from my diet. Weird right? Well, apparently it is fairly uncommon but can totally be an allergen/intolerance. And I have had gut issues the past few years that have been a pain to even try tracking. So much a pain that the only thing I figured out was that I needed to keep my diet varied.

    Anyways, so I noticed I was reacting to oatmeal and I asked google if like... that was a thing. And turns out that peeps who have oats allergies/intolerances, often have rice allergies/intolerances. And that is what put rice on my radar. Having a bad day after eating some rice was what convinced me that I should actually do a proper rice elimination diet to see if I was having a reaction.

    And I felt a lot better after a week of no rice?? And my bowel movements were becoming more stable. I was still being triggered by other foods(oats and onion are my two biggest suspects) but I was being triggered a lot less often. And today I ate rice again, and lo and behold, my gut is upset.

    This all kinda makes me mad?? Cuz rice is supposed to be one of the most gentle foods on your gut. It was the thing I was eating when my gut was upset because that is what was supposed to help??? But no, my body has to throw a hissy fit at rice!

    And this all popped up because we had a celiac move in and thus changed my usual dietary balance(for those who don’t know, no flour or cake mixes or dusty gluten of any kind could be used in the house. Also gluten free foods often use rice flour instead of wheat. So like... I had to eat differently). And I know they aren’t at fault, but boy does it suck when someone else’s disability ends up fucking you over :/

    Also, turns out those cravings I had for sugar and starches like all the time? Those were a result of my bowels being triggered. I haven’t had one of those strong craving except after I get triggered. So I have been able to eat and enjoy vegetables again, which is nice. Also I am losing weight(after having gained another 25 :/) since going no rice so it might be the gut problems causing weight gain, not pills. So I’m hopefully about that!

    So yeah. No more rice for me. There is a few things I’m gonna miss, but rice is fairly avoidable and I will do science to see if I can make alternatives.
  7. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    I feel like a person again! Got off my headache preventative meds cuz it turns out they were causing depression. Headaches came back, of course, but damn did I feel good xD On a new headache preventative med that is helpful and doesn’t cause depression. Not like... super on top of the world now, but I am getting shit done.

    Between the med change and the diet change I am an actual human being for the first time in over a year. Still work to be done though. Gotta adjust new med to get headaches under control and figure out what my other food triggers are(spaghetti sauce is a hard no, but I don’t know if that is because my body doesn’t like tomatoes or if there were multiple triggers in the sauce. Either way, it was enough of a reaction to not try variations of).

    And I have been shitting like a normal person for the first time in years??? I have been basically having various degrees of diarrhea for the past several years to the extent that I thought it was my new “normal” for like... being old or something. Turns out, that if my bowels are not being triggered they can totally form solid healthy stool. Complete shocker xD

    The world is on fire but I am feeling great for the first time in forever.
    • Like x 1
  8. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    When they came for my tomatoes, I was like “eh, not super fond of them anyways”. When they came for my rice, I was like “eh, I’ll miss it but okay”. When they came for my oats I was like “you bastards. I won’t let you take my favorite cookie away!!”. When they came for my apples, I was like “okay but what the actual fuck guys”.

    (okay apples technically are only a hypothesis atm but they were the different food in my food change so Highly suspicious)

    Biggest problem I’m having is coming up with food to eat cuz... they took a lot of my staples and how I learned to make food taste good(onions and bellpeppers). Thank god my breakfast doesn’t cause me problems(eat the same thing every day) but every time lunch rolls around my brain just starts going aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa until I Have To Eat or else I get headaches :/

    And of course I am always especially grumpy/hopeless when I new trigger surfaces/gets tested. And god... has anyone had the ill fate of having to look at FODMAP diet?? It is the recommended diet for my ibs. But it is an absolute monster to parse cuz there is just so many foods you should/shouldn’t eat, and they don’t make like... sense? Unless you know the chemical make up of foods :p I am using it mostly as a reference for when my gut is not recovering as expected, cuz I straight up cannot do that switch.

    Also my gut hates new foods?? Like, I had to alter my fav cookies from oatmeal to quinoa and the taste is approximately correct, but I feel like my body is still going “alien food. Why you put alien food in body???”. So I can’t just... eat other foods. I have to warm up to them. Slowly incorporate them. And in the mean time, the foods I am familiar with and can eat are disappearing rapidly. It is incredibly frustrating.

    Talked to doc about it all again and we have made a tentative plan to try dietician in 3 months if I can’t get a handle on my gut. I am wary cuz I know some dieticians are all about the cool new foods like coconut milk and fake ass sugars. And uh... no thnx. I know my diet is gonna end up looking weird, but my body hates being lied to so I don’t need any extra fake versions of a thing I eat. It’s hard enough getting it to accept my quinoa cookies :p

    So in short, I am frustrated. Food is hard. But I am hopefully for a day when my gut isn’t constantly mad at me.
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