Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Everett, Mar 16, 2016.
Im very frustrated
remember page 1 of this thread where i was screm about job searching? i keep saying i want to leave my job, im still employed but i havent worked on like. Any of those confidence issues at all lmao
So i looked online for jobs locally and im like "hm im very useless and couldnt do any of these adequately, or maybe i could but i dont Want to work retail because im a big prissy baby who thinks theyre too good for that"
Anyway i need to go home and probably take out the trash and then just brush my teeth and go to bed. I should wash some dished but fuck it im not going to
2 friends got in an argument about tape binding, i wasn't there but I've heard about both sides of the thing
i have told pro-tape friend that i have heard both sides and think they should talk. So i hope they do! I dont know what to do when friends are mad at each other other than like.......not talk about it because i don't want to be meddling or like trying to micromanage their feelings
Also this is completely petty and i have mentioned this to the facilitators of the sunday support group, but i don't like how the check-ins we sometimes do are like....abstract
Theyre pulled from a list and sometimes its like, thumbs up for this week or thumbs down? How would u rate your week from 1 to 10?
But other times it was like, let's go to an online colour picker and pick the colour that best describes this week. I just said something like "i dont know how to do that but here is a colour i like. My week was pretty stressful because work was busy, but i spent good times with friends"
And another was, if you poured this week out of a pitcher what would come out
And i was like....................water because i drank a lot of water???
I find it frustrating to be presented with a question thats like "please contort your thought processes until it's nonsensical"
And like i said, i have straight up said without malice that i dont know how to do that or dont feel like doing it, which is fine, i dont want them to change the whole thing because i have problems. But it still makes me frustrated when i Cant Do The Thing
Idk where else to put this, its not really a big vent
I saw a post, which i might try to actually track down later, that said like, it doesnt make you a bad or predatory person to love someone and also be sexually attracted to them, and queer sexuality is not omething that like taints queer love. Something along the lines of, you dont havd to like wish that you could Just love someone without having sexual attraction because queer sexuality is Not Bad or predatory or anything
i probably have many tangled up feelings that need to be sorted thru, such as Oh Gosh Its Rude/Intrusive/Creepy For Me To Crush On Anyone
But i am supposed to be writing a thing for work right this minute so i will come back to this at some point
Eta: i found the post
I know i literaly made a diabetes thread (which i shouldnt have, nobody seems to have a need to use it so far so i just look like i made it for no reason)
Buuuuut its time to whine about diabetes for 2 seconds
so ive already fucked up my right eye somewhat with my blood sugar management, i officially have some diabetic retinopathy going on there.
My basic understanding of that is uhhhhhhh making extra blood vessels or some shit which is uuhhh fuckin yknow what i dont know. It shows up as extra lines on a pic of the back of my eye, and on a different imaging it looks like a bump.
I got medication in my eye for, idk some amount of time, to treat that and so far its decreased enough that i dont have to have more. Good, the med itself is so expensive and also hurts and i have to stay sitting down for a few minutes afterward because apparently having my eye actually Touched makes my blood pressure tank for a bit
(When i say expensive i mean like............there are 2 versions of this med, 1 was uhh meant to treat colon cancer or something like that, but the thing its doing is actually similar enough that it works for eye problem, and it's $300 for one dose, done every 2 or 3 months in my case.
The OTHER one, which is the one made after they figured out u could use the $300 one, is more effective bc it was Made to treat retinopathy specifically. It is! $1800 per dose!! What the fuck! It sucks! We had insurance at the time, (eta idk why i phrased it this way, i still have 2 entire insurance plans) im pretty sure they cover it but you still have to be careful and keep it in the fridge. Fun fact (not fun, 0% enjoyment) for a standard thing of medication u used to be able to get two doses out of it if you had to, but they caught on to doctors doing that and now it's like....theres enough in there for like one standard dose plus some extra but definitely not two doses. Because fuuuuuck patients i guess
Fuckin, anyway, this is to say that i am really hoping that i somehow get the motivation or whatever and improve my diabetes management because uhhhhh lol i damaged my eye enough to need treatment at like age 23 or whenever that started, and unless we figure out how 2 Cure Diabetes (tm) im buckled up for however many more years of For Fucks Sake Stop Letting Your Body Fuck Itself Up
Anyway i try not to think about the Long Term(tm) because thats a lot to deal with and it actually hasnt sunk in really
Hmmmmmmmmm i feel bad
But i just got done at support group
i got there with like 1 hr left, barfed some thoughts, and now feel like i cant like......go in the friend group chat (the entire chat also goes to group, altho group has more ppl who are not in chat, if that makes sense) and be like "i feel bad"
Because Binch U Were Supposed To Get That Out At Group
even tho i didnt start feeling bad until we were packing up and even tho i know that is just brain raccoons talking and not how ppl would actually react
And also also my longstanding "i cant Ask for Help bc (Gayle voice) we cant let people see that we FEEL"
asking for help is Taking Up Resources/attention/time and i cant like.....reciprocate very well, i dont know how to fucking support people or say things that arent like "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i hope u feel better frien uwu"
And i know that these things dont work like a transaction or whatever but i feel like it Does work that way, if im constantly dumping emotional garbage onto someone and then when they need help im like "fucken uhhhhhh *rates ur post Witnessed/leaves a heart react on ur message*"
I need to go back to counselling and probably also sleep
Ive been feeling better for a few hours, as an update
will try to remember to uhh go book a counselling appointment or something
Another thing i wanted to mention that contributed to Stress but turned out OK
So as uhh idk if it counts as a stim or what but i do a handflap, with 1 or both hands, with my arms just like neutrally at my sides
And someone pointed it out at group, in a cheerful way, but i received that like...if someone draws attention to idk the way you adjust your glasses or smile or something. Your reaction is just like "im not doing it for jokes im just......existing over here"
And then someone else also pointed it out and did it too, and i was like "sorry" but in the specific "ok geez SORRY" kinda way and said like "im sensitive about it please dont joke about that" BUT then after group they let me know it was genuinely just one of those times where u accidentally mirror someone doing a thing amd they werent trying to poke fun at me
I do get defensive about stuff like that, when i feel like someone is making a Joake about something that i am actually just...doing, not for attention or as a bit
Fuck work actually?
Like i will still write this garbage but its gonna be aggressively garbage
i did several social mistakes and now people think i view friendships as transactional
What i meant was that i dont understand how..... like if i am taking up too much conversational space by venting, and then i dont know how to emotionally support people when they vent, it is not fair to those people
and then i get told that its fine and also thats not how things work
okay but literally the other day people seemed to follow when the concept of a person being an emotional vampire was mentioned
Basically i am flailing because i have been feeling since age like 12 that when i over share or get upset or sad and vent that where other people can see it, that they are like "................ooooookay then"
because ive made it way too heavy and im like raging and insulting myself and i assume that their response internally is "sir this is a wendys"
So when someone says that is not actually how it works, i got upset at myself and then further screwed up by saying basically "ok but sounds fake" and they were like "m yeah that is too heavy"
so now i am going to prevent further bringing the mood down by avoiding the group chat for the next few hours and maybe people will have forgotten the 900th time that i just barfed my stupid emotions in there
All caps insulting myself = too much, bad to see, brings the mood down and youre badly spiralling
but i over generalize that to also apply to like
saying that i am feeling bad
Then i think that i shouldnt mention that, and then i feel worse, and at some point i get fed up and careless enough to just say something bad and self deprecating, and then people reassure me and i don't actually like that
If people are reassuring me it means i fucked up enough to require reassuring that im like not a bad friend or something
If people are saying that they will be here for me, i have made a mistake because im bound to overshare and itll be awkward because all i know how to say in return is "that sucks, thats rough buddy"
Also people offering support is like, oh geez ive given the impression that i need the support, i screwed up and i am going to ask for too much and then they will start not liking me
((forgive if side comments not welcome, but my brain is still squawking at "COLIN??? BUT UR EVERETT"))
Rnfjdnsnn thats fine and i do need to stop moping
I changed my username to Everett bc i was testing it as a name, it didnt really work out for an irl name but i liked it enough as a username to not bother changing it a second time :D
"Colin Everett Kintsugijin, you quit this nonsense right now" thats ur full name now i dont make the rules
salutes while dabbing
ok i will go play a match-3 phone game
do the game thing
be the happy
Just that audio file of Griffin McElroy saying like "oops! Oops! Uh oh! Oh no oh no oh no!"
2nd related article
did you mean: my entire situation aaaaaaaa
So my post from a week ago was kind of related to that
also that maybe
griffin mcelroy oops.mp3
i literally read that and was like that feels reasonable though, thats normal
I need to go back to counselling probably, but i dont know if i have it in me to like actually work on things? So if i dont like Do Things then i feel like im wasting their time or just not doing things right
i just get angry/panicky when someoje is like "oh dont say sorry" or "stop apologizing"
that apparently also is true when i havent even said anything, but i want to say sorry after ive like had Emotions at someone, and im like frustratedly acknowledging that plenty of people have told me its bad to apologize for like having feelings or taking up space
Even tho it extremely feels like the right thing to do after barfing out my emotions and not being fun or nice
And im like ugh i should just say thanks instead but i dont Want to
I'm angry because my friend suggested i go to a therapist, which i know is stupid to get angry about
its kind of because i was already upset
so, i am still going by my original name in a lot of places, like work and with family, and at knitting and all my various doctors and medical/health people. This is i guess because i do like it but now i dont know and i guess i feel guilty and upset and a bunch of stuff
i said in the group chat that i had the impulse to start going by Colin and work, and/or put my pronouns in my email signature
But i said that would probably raise too many questions. My friend encouraged me to think about doing it anyway, basically, and i said well i'm not sure if i'll feel the same way about name stuff tomorrow
Friend was like ok but consider if you got a new job which name would you go by
And i was like uhhhhhhhhh thats a good question but i dont wanna think about it, friend said you should think about it
And i said i'll think about thinking about it lol
But then i just got upset like, "god i dont want to get into this?" I said i didnt want to think about it, and i didnt communicate what i was actually thinking which was "that is a scary topic and i think it will make me feel worse if i start thinking about that right now"
A while later i stupidly said that i shouldnt have brought up the topic because i feel worse and my frienf was like if youre not talking to a therapist about this you should be
And i wanted to like. Yell? And be like, do not tell me what to do, okay, i GET that i'm not being fun and entertaining right now, i dont want to talk about my feelings because i dont know if it will help, i keep saying i need to go back to counselling
it always goes badly when i start talking about my feelings because im a bad person and i DO view this shit as transactional. It is NOT fair of me to just barf out my emotions and have a melt down in the chat with my friends because thats not nice for them to see. They dont need to deal with my stupid self destructive shit. Somebodys gonna tell me that "friends care about you so they want to help" like ok whatever, i SAID im a bad person so i dont think i should drag everyones mood down with me if i can just spare them from seeing that and getting worried about me
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