Vent Colin's upset zone

i KNOW i need to actually deal with my problems. Im hesitant to go back to counselling because in the past i havent really done any work aside from just talking about stuff at the appointment, so nothing really changed?

And i guess i should just call in the morning, and when i get an appointment bring that up with her that im not sure how to actually address anything because i have too many problems and like zero follow through

Im kind of annoyed that ive gotten so upset about this, like i dont even know how i feel about name shit right now

I havent actually considered how i feel about my orginal name in a while, i just was operating under the idea that i like it fine except for how it makes people think im a woman? but i like colin as a name. Fuck

Sorry for just screaming and being an idiot

 

Hmm i think i will avoid telling my friends about my problems because i dont want to bring the group down

And even saying "hey im feeling bad but dont think i deserve to talk about it because i am fucked up about taking up space" is way too heavy. Everyone is gonna be like oh darling its fine you can talk to us

but im like hmm no that is bad because i guilted you into telling me that

I realize this is extremely un charitable so maybe i will tell them about 1 thing

Also im in a mood where im getting annoyed by the typos i consistently make on my phone keyboard

i keep hitting P for O, Q for like A or something, idek but it sucks

 

Predictably that went as usual and i overshared and im still upset but now i regret just being an angry baby in the group chat

 

How do you like, learn to not feel like a bad friend for taking your friends up on offers to vent to them

Its not that i think theyre lying about wanting to help, but its that i feel like anything i say will be Bad and Too Much Negativity so i just say thanks but not right now

 

That was an actual question btw

Also i need to stop reading up on mindfullness because it sounds like insulting condescending garbage that like maybe would help but i refuse to try it

I also refuse to try breathing exercises or relaxation exercises because they sound stupid and like they would just make me feel bad

 

I dont have a helpful answer unfortunately :( like, im at that point with most of my friends that i can comfortably vent, but there was no clearly defined process of reaching that other than "give yourself a few years to work on it"

Breathing exercises are dumb but also have been able to help me sleep and I am willing to feel dumb to get more than 4 hours rest at a time

 

Yeah i had like a meltdown at my friends like 1.5 hours later, today sucks and i made it bad by staying up way too late last night

 

is there anything i can do to help u feel better

 

i drew A Friend

 

Aww, thank you for the Friend
I'm ok, I just got myself into like a bad zone by reading stuff that I knew would make me more upset. I did various self care such as Actually Eating Lunch and Dinner and also Sleep so im better today

 

I made myself upset by dwelling on, idek, probably how its hard to talk to my friends about my self esteem or whatever. Because get upset when people are like "we love you! we're here for you!" meanwhile im like "im sorry lol"

and there are enough people participating in the group chat that i feel like i cant actually vent there because Ventimg At People Makes Me A Bad Friend

And also ive been angry enough at myself that ive been like basically wanting to make myself suffer? Like i washed some dishes but im annoyed because i shouldnt let them pile up in the first place so i was just angrily washing

anyway im mad at myself and im Also mad because trying to be like ~~~~~~#better~~~~ about not expressing my shitty emotions means i just feel angry for having those emotions/thoughts, and angry at the concept of recovery or emotional management or whatever

let me be self destructive you fuck

 

I keep sort of venting but i dont want to like actually talk about it because i assume that people will be upset or annoyed or whatever because i dont just Cheer Up and Be Positive or at least Try To Be Positive

i also feel bad because when asked "can we help" im likr "uhhhhhhhhhhhh no"

Im not like actively jumping into the void so i dont know what help would even be

Eta: also the other day when i made that post about the dishes, i said in the group chat that i was upset with myself for not cleaning up my apartment and letting everything pile up

and my friend was like "yeah depression will do that, youll really need to do something but you cant" and i got mad and said its just that i'm NOT doing it, here i'll go wash the dishes

And later said please dont just armchair diagnose me with depression, i dont like that

but maybe i do have depression type issues on top of adhd, idk. and my next counsellor appointment isnt until the 23rd. There are walk in counselling appts elsewhere one day a week but my schedule probably wont allow for that this week

 

Im sort of fixating on a thing someone in thr group chat said

so the walk in counselling i mentioned, this person was the one to suggest it (altho it was previously reccd to me a couple of months ago too) and i was like "idk if its worth going for just a single session" and they said "youre definitely worth a single session"

and i did correct them that i was actually talking about how im not sure it would be useful going to a walk in for an ongoing issue that requires a long term plan

but ALSO i really wanted to object to like "youre worth it" but i think that makes people sad so i didnt say it

 

im frustrated slash scared of like having to Try and make changes to Improve Life instead of continuing habits/approaches that are not helping but are easy

This prompted by counselling

Im supposed to like "pick something thats important to you" and do it and "its ok to be frustrated" but dont beat yourself up, which sounds difficult and i dont want to

It wasnt on the list of stuff we came up with earlier in the session, which was aimed at making my apartment easier to keep organized/clean, but ive sort of decided to not be self deprecating when talking to other people

So i spent like 15 minutes typing and re typing a message in the group chat and i was gonna end it with like "im supposed to say thanks for listening instead of being self deprecating or saying im taking up too much time" but i erased everything of that but the "thanks for listening" even tho it felt bad and like i should be apologizing

So during the session the counsellor was like, "you seem stuck in this circle" of like, feeling bad or beating myself up, knowing that youre not supposed to do that, and then beating myself up or feeling bad bc im "doing it wrong" or whatever

And she was like "what would it take to break that" or something and honestly i dont know?? Im upset

And she went over the "stages of change" which include like, not believing you have a problem/need to change, acknowledging u need to change, preparing, action to make change/learn new habits or whatever, maintenance of that, relapse, and then you can end up back at like any stage depending

So she was like what would it take to move forward to make change, bc currently im like...i went back to counselling and im going to occupational therapy bc i know i have problems, but when it comes to actually following through im really digging in my heels


So i dunno! Im scared to do things because im afraid of finding out that i have to like, force myself to not do the easy way. Like put my phone completely away at work and never look at it, instead of like picking it up every 10 minutes

That makes me sound really childish but im like, idk i dont want to have to be really strict with myself

But i know im doing things that are counter productive


She also has pointed out that when im beating myself up about mistakes or whatever, even if you ignore the "im Supposed to be nice to myself because youre Supposed to" being self deprecating is getting in the way bc i avoid doing things. So shes like "being negative isnt helping" so i should keep that in mind or whatever

And its like, ughhhhfhfhfhfhhffh i Guess but also i dont want to be nice to myself, i know thats blasphemy but i dont wanna be like "uwu self you are a sweet delicate flower and You can Do It uwu uwu uwu uwu uwuwwuwuueywuuwwu"

Im being a shit about that
I was reading a thing about positive self talk and it all seems really irritating and fake and like "Just Try!!!!! BE NICE TO YOURSELF"

(Edit ok yknow what i am being a jerk, the post was Reasonable and realistic but the idea of saying "i made a mistake but i can do better next time and i can learn from this" makes me mad bc im used to going "i messed everything up and i never should have made any mistakes i hate this")

And im mad at myself for all of this because ive seen it said that it doesnt Matter if its fake you just have to Do It

And its like fuck i dont Want to i want to just magically stop having problems without having to confront difficult things

Anyway this is a very long very stupid post, someone needs to punch me

 

Things are difficult and i feel stupid because its like, jfc Just Fucking Do It

But i dont Wanna
>:(

 

#mood

 

Had a stressful time on the weekwnd, stuff is better now but I do wanna talk about it

Things:

1. Im now living with 3 friends, two of whom are married and polyam

(Redacted the rest bc i was uncomfy with having this much detail still up)

 

(Redacted)

 

(Redacted)

 

Spoiler: fact summary for brain reference in future

A cheats on B with X.
B is upset.
A brings over X anyway.
B is upset.
Colin stresses because upset.
A leaves the group.
B says they are attempting to work it out.
Apparently A is dating X?
A and B argue.
A has cheated before.
If B leaves, the lease is a problem (is it the cost? are they the only one officially on it? something else?)
Colin feels betrayed by A because of the effect on the lease.
Colin has to work from home in the stress.
B is now at the hospital.

I have Opinions but now is not the time for any of it until B's safety/health is confirmed, that is a really worrying followup :(