Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

this is true, and i'm def stronger than before. i've also been put on another medicine can is notorious for increasing weight and making me hold fluid so i'm not astoundingly shocked. my pants fit the same so i'm not flippin' out or anything.

 

so i got a ping back about that bank teller job and i just submitted 6 video questions pertaining to it as a bit of an interview. 8U imma laugh if my inexperienced ass gets this job all on my own.

 

me, answering interview questions: customer service good hire ryn give moneys i do special dance for yew, interspersed with about 40 iterations of "Uhm" and awkward pauses as i struggle to regain my grasp on the english language while reiterating that customer satisfaction is Great.

i am most professional. am art monkey, man, i do Good but i also am absolutely horrendous at things 8D;

 

kricket got on my keyboard when i was in the shower, and when I came back the charging light was flickering. the charge is fine, the battery is fine... but the light is flickering. and its obnoxious. google says i can get rid of it by unplugging it, popping the battery out, and pressing the power button. But, god I'm lazy... 8llll im just. keeping it close and covering the light with my tshirt to ignore it, i am ngl.

edit: it's all better now, i was legit so annoyed by the light flickering i had to fix it.

 

i decided i wanted a haircut bc itd been a while and my hair was very Flat and Bluh feeling and it'd gotten longer in back. i keep thinking "I want princess hair!!" but uh. i don't have the patience for it and whenever my hair gets a certain length it just looks Flat and i look really drab no matter what i do. my hair weighs a Lot so it just. Hangs. i also missed my "Hello, I'm Queer" haircut a lot. SO. i doodled a picture of a side view and a back view to show that i wanted the front and bangs left long and the top kinda fluffy and the back and sides Short. lady was absolutely in love with the doodle and kept fawning over it and the design and was amazed I'd drawn it? It was just a doodle. xD

but i got the cut i wanted! it's Cute. C:

 

It is super cute!

 

" Stable size of a heterogenously enhancing lesion within the anteromedial
femoral metadiaphysis with associated thinning of the anteromedial femoral
cortex is consistent with known pathologically proven low grade chondral
lesion. Given cortical thinning greater than 50%, consider a low-grade
chondrosarcoma."

:U so apparently the lil fuck in my femur may indeed be a chondrosarcoma instead of just a normal lil blob of cartilage in the bone. of any kind of sarcoma to have, i'm glad it'd be this kind tbh? but i'm still mildly spooked because "you're not supposed to be there >W>"

 

tomorrow is the day i go to the job center. it's an hour long bus ride with one transfer in the middle, back towards where i used to live. i'm excited, but i'm also very anxious. a big chunk of me just straight up wishes i wasn't going, though. i just... am not feeling it. idk how much of that's lazy and how much is Fatigue from going going going all week.

Spoiler: brain goblin noises

i started my higher med dose earlier finally too, so we'll see how that helps, but just a few hours of missing my dose and i was already back firmly in the "you only got a higher dose because you're being an anxious fuck and made yourself sicker, you'd have been fine but nope gotta get even MORE chemicals to put in your body and be hooked on because you're so fucked up 8))))" which. like. fuck all the way off, brain, wtf.

 

threw chicken, onion, carrot, bok choy and some tteok into slowcooker with curry. here's hoping it turns out okay. i'm Mildly concern about chicken but :shrug: should be fine.

 

me: "Wow I really want to do comics but I don't actually like. ...do comics. at all. i should fix that."
also me: "holy shit, i should approach my trauma as comics. that'll bridge the gap i have. i want to explain things but i want to show how bad it was too. childhoods a lot to process right now, i'll focus on my divorce, that's a hell of a story."
also also me: :multiple pages into doing basic chronological breakdown and loose holding place ideas for panels for the future as i script: jesus fucking christ there's so fucking much, i wasn't just BooBoo the Fool, i was a fucking moron. .... Hm. at least he was the BIGGER moron in this equation by far.

pro: i'll get practice in comics that i want and need, i'll process trauma, and i'll get to share story with people.
con: there's so fucking much j e s u s how did i not go crazy.

 

Mmm... I've gotten it written out and now i have to go back and look it over and try figuring out what the fuck to do with it bc its at least directed linearly, but it's hard to sort out what to do with it entirely. all of this happened when i was sitting in one place, which isn't very exciting to draw. i added notes on things for panel ideas.. but its not quite coherent in that regard. 8lc lotta work ahead to try sorting this out. bl uh.

 

Marie Kondo therapy method.
"THIS TRAUMA DOES NOT SPARK JOY. YEET."

 

this divorce comic thing looks like it'll be 30 something pages, most likely. I just finished plotting out page 15 more thoroughly and i'm still rolling. I've gotten ideas for other comic things to do on smaller scales, too. Trying to stay focused tho. i've got no idea if I'll be able to draw it half decently or not but like.. i've seen comics with far less art ability than i already have being sold and doing well. as long as it's coherent and the thing flows and i do my absolute best, it'll be good enough.

 

pulmonary doc went well! I had the first test and the lady decided my numbers were borderline enough that she didn't feel comfortable giving me the agitation inhaler to make my airways fussy for them to test. So i just got two inhalers of Good medicine and... felt nice?? felt v nice. he said i had a 9% increase in lung function after the medicine, and it felt like i could inflate the bottom of my lungs easier. Was Nice. Later on waiting for the bus i was able to sing easier? I didn't get any pressure in my chest when walking. He said my lungs sounded great, the cold I've got the residual leaky nose from wouldn't affect the test, and i wouldn't have reacted to the meds if it was just from the headcold. My lungs sounded Clear when he listened. 9% was borderline, still. 12%+ is what they usually look for, but he said "fuck it let's give you one to use as needed and have you keep track of when you use it so we can get a better picture. this seems to be working and offering relief so why keep it away because of 4%."

ALSO MY WEIGHT'S AT LEAST STABLE AT THE 243 EVEN IF I HATE THAT NUMBER, AND MY PULSE AND BLOOD PRESSURE WERE AMAZING AND PERFECTLY ON TARGET, FUCK YES. FINALLY no tanking pressures and crazy pulse even tho i'd had my legs down for a while 8DDD

the only down side of the day was getting lost in the hospital lmfao. i had to pull someone aside and he was super nice and helpful and was just. totally lost too. and the people we called were lost. and there were limited signs. i got where i needed to go with plenty of time! but phew.

 

slight addendum to earlier celebratory dance moves: ow

owowow.
lots of ow.
legs are stiff as two logs and they Kill to walk on @A@;;; being on that stiff bus seat and that waiting room seat for that long must've done a number bc o w i e.

 

the comic about the divorce has been scripted out but i lack confidence in the panel ideas. that's just something i'm gonna need to experiment with and practice and hone tbh. it's a gigantic weakness of mine. >:l trying to figure out angles to look at things from and ways to keep the images i choose interesting and keep the eye moving.. difficult shit but attempts are being made. it wound up being 26 pages i think. not too bad, if i wind up making the whole thing. writing it out was therapeutic tbh. not even sure what i'd do with it for sure when it was done, it'd be perfect length for a lil indie comic but who'd wanna read that??

also, the school got back to me about the tax thing and i passed the info to the ex who is actually talking to me. i have another method as a backup tho bc i think i remember his info too still. they also want to see my divorce paperwork specifically, so that's good to know.

there's so much i need to draw and write and get ready and im Anxious ahahaha.

 

real talk. would i be a bad person if i canceled the job center thing and try it again in a few months, potentially. bc the more i think about just reaching the office, and the more i look at how fucking exhausted i was just from today which was just a bunch of sitting, the more i'm. not entirely certain i'm able to do the job thing yet. :<

i was hype and focused on it but i'm worried im still getting ahead of myself in the Not Falling Apart department.

 

it just feels like. giving up in a way. but at the same time it's... i don't know. i'm getting a weird gut feeling that something needs to wait.

 

discussed with friends. i'm calling off.

they uh. kinda pointed out that the POTS plan is 8 months and i'm in like. month 1. and that'd be fucking the plan up, most likely. ..i hadnt thought of it like that before.

 

Yeah, it definitely sounds wise to hold off for now. Take care of yourself!