Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i know i just finished this faceup and it's not going to be perfect because it's my first one ever, but i'm legit This Close to wiping it off with acetone and doing a second attempt. i think i might tbh. i have a better idea of what i'm doing now.. part of me's resisting bc "but you just finished!!!" and yes! i did! but i don't like it, she looks Fugly and i can't just edit her face like i can in a drawing ;v;!

 

i turn 30 in one month and i am Not Ready. i am very anxious and kind of overwhelmed ahahaha. i thought i'd be over this by now, but i'm not. ;v; that "your life is over if you haven't done xyz in your early 20's" propaganda already really fucked me up and now here i'm rolling into thing my brain stupidly has labeled as The End/Approaching Death even though i'm already well aware that's not at all what it is/what's happening.

brains are stupid and so is the general attitude towards afab folks aging at all, as is child prodigy bullshit.

 

Oh that is witnessed so incredibly hard

 

I JUST EXPLODED THE PEPPER GRINDER
OH MAN
im making curry and added pepper to the slow cooker and then after some other seasonings decided "yknow i think it needs a few more hard cranks worth just for good measure" and. it was fine?? then the LID FUCKING SUDDENLY BROKE AND PEPPERCORNS WENT FLYING EVERYWHERE

i swept up what i could find and picked out the ones i could spot in the curry but
wow

 

Spoiler: heavy food-related topic goin' under cut but it's a positive spin

so on a whim i'd ordered a graphic novel about someone's struggle with and recovery from anorexia. i've never been close to that, the obsessive exercising and everything else, but i've had the compulsions and the periods of counting and the measuring and the obsessing and misery.. and im about halfway through it so far and it's interesting. it's really interesting.

most of all, it approached it as someone who isn't really into religion going face to face with a recovery group who does a lot of reliance on prayer and god. and how growing up in the Punk scene made admitting powerlessness really rough.. till her friend explained that not everyone was talking about the same concept of god, or prayer, or anything like that. that sometimes, god was just the group itself working and helping them, or leaves, or nature, or damn near anything that you could focus on for power. it also approached the Powerless phrase being so offputting by approaching it from another direction. "If you're giving up so much of what you used to care about and people you loved because you're afraid of everything now.. doesn't that right there just mean you're powerless against this thing due to the fear itself?" It wasn't a backslide or anything. It wasn't giving in. It was admitting that a problem was outside of her control and her current power, and that she needed to change her approach if she wanted to overpower the problem. it wasn't saying she was broken. it was saying something was wrong and that she wanted to fix it and get more backup and ammunition.

...i think i needed to hear that, for a lot of problems.

anyway if you're interested, the book is
Ink in Water: An Illustrated Memoir (Or, How I Kicked Anorexia’s Ass and Embraced Body Positivity)

 

finished the book and honestly it hit Hard. like. hella hard. like "I'm gonna need a few days to process this" hard, in the best kind of way tbh.

i'm glad i bought this book.

 

cleaned the kitty litter!!
and immediately had a symptom reset and now i feel like exhausted trash orz
booooooooooooo lemme do stuff without immediate repercussionsssss

 

okay. so apparently still hella symptomatic when i do things. but that just means i gotta go slow and do things still. sooooo careful careful cleaning movements in my room.

need to do some word sprinting for my fic, need to do expression meme things, gotta work on zine things, wanted to do an outfit base for my oc so i could experiment with clothes for him..

in good news tho, roomie is making a Gigantic Vat of pasta sauce today, and my coffee additive is Delicious. :9 sugar free salted caramel, num num. considering im already using sugar in the coffee, going sugar free for the syrup felt more likely to even things out lol.

 

rough day ;v; i woke up and then immediately KOed again and i missed PT orz dude understood tho. and was also impressed at my wall sit upgrade. im so glad he doesn't count things against me when they happen like this. im frustrated it happened tho, this midodrine might be what's causing the issue.. i've got no idea for sure. it doesn't cause FATIGUE in the side effects list but it causes weakness, sleepiness and slow heart rate among other things so uh. :) yeah.

THO, I FEEL SO HANDY TODAY. i used a lot of my oomph but I DID THE THING i tried to vaccum my room a day or two ago and.. it wans't sucking at all. the filter was Nasty tho so i rinsed it and let it all dry off. put it together again a bit ago aaaand... still no suck. at all. so confused. THEN I NOTICED THE BRUSHES WEREN'T TURNING AT ALL. so i actually took it apart, found the belt had slipped. i took time to snip off all my roomie's hair that'd collected over time, and then fixed the belt and put everything back into place. :D and now it works! and i got the kitty litter off my floor! and it's great!

and now im exhausted and in bed again but hey i did a useful thing!!!

 

rough night last night, weird day today, weird night. migraine twined together with "blah brainbugs" and i couldnt think. took meds, drank caffeine, talked with friends, calmed down. wound up drawing on 413 piece and now it's prepared for inks already and im Super Pleased with it.

 

so i finished my 413 piece (posted it in the homestuck thread, i'll get around to putting it in my art thread later when i update it) and then was chilling out with some cold melon to try calming down. bc now that im not focused on that being finished in time, i wound up sliding back into the "something is coming something is happening some unknown thing is changing and i can't actually relax at all because it's making me anxious as fuck" like usually happens on 413's for me.

then the cold reached my wisdom teeth and i had bone splitting throbbing pain for a few minutes.

surprisingly, i'm not anxious anymore. :U i'm also excited to get these teeth removed, esp considering i'll be sleeping through the entire thing. who cares about the iv anymore, i'll be Tripping Sleep Balls and wake up to never having this specific problem ever again.

 

oh, hey, doc got back to me. he said there's another medicine option i can try, aside from the midodrine, that's also his first go-to for treating POTS. and i wouldn't need to change my psych meds. worth a shot. :U!

 

I FINALLY PARTICIPATED IN A COMMUNITY DAY ON CAMPUS, GODDAMN. So much walkies you guys. So Much. Like. An hour and a half of a lot of walkies with breaks in the middle. Lots of walkies. And no midodrine, bc I went ahead and stopped it to kick the fatigue's ass away from me. I had to SOS call a pickup by my roomie though, bc I was mcfucking Dying. not from the POTS surprisingly, no. My joints. My legs from about waist down were Throbbing and Creaking and i was concerned about making it home. luckily roomie had shopping to do so she got dressed up (as roxy. i was wearing a dave shirt bc Hell Yes We Hamsnackin' Today) and swung by to get me after I'd had time to lay down flat in the union and have an iced coffee. got some snacks. the riding chair at the grocery store died on me at the very end, but i made it around and got the things i wanted. survived walking in the other store bc no other option.

.... i think i'm going to ask about getting a placard for the car at some point, bc this is getting rough. we were lucky to park close at both places, but if our timing had been different at all i'd have had to cross the entire parking lot both times and with the flareup in full effect now as i wait for ibuprofen to kick in, it would've been a Bad Time.

 

i just lost like 6+ hours of my life playing minecraft without even realizing time was going by and tbh i think that's just what i needed today. something mindless and comforting and strategic and repetitive. more mindless than stardew. soothing. was good to make me stay still and rest up.

 

there was a hopping cart full of the Fancy two wick candles in glass jars at the grocery store for like $2 each and Mmmmmm me and roomie got the same three kinds each. a lilac, a Carribean Market, and one called Stressless which. is actually v soothing despite its hella bold claim.

i've now started the new meds. took half my pill with some carrot cake donettes i also got on sale. B)

 

my copy of Marbles came on saturday but i was reading the entire day and then inking and i didn't get to read it at all. i just read it in one go now and goddamn what a ride. it's by Ellen Forney. queer artist being diagnosed and trying to treat bipolar. :V was a rlly good read!

 

i keep forgetting the cold sensitivity is suddenly cranked to 10 for my wisdom teeth which then sets off the entire right side of my mouth and then remember right after eating something cold yanks it into action. 8llll when will they call me so i can yeet these fuckers once and for all lmfao. i can't tell how much is the wisdom teeth bullshit and how much might be linked to the other bad teeth at this point, prolly a bit of column a and a bit of column b.

man i just wanna eat my dessert without sudden sharp pain, mouth can we Not tonight. :///

.... even so, the bit of ice cream was Worth It lmfao.

 

up side of making that big ham for easter: there are a lot of leftovers. i can just go and make a lil bowl of ham up and heat it up and Nom. BAM protein for meal acquired. my diet's unconventional but considering half the time i forget to eat, i don't feel too bad about eating a lot of ham the last few days lmfao. bonus it has a lot of salt in it so ayyyy.

 

alrighty! so. had eventful ass day on the bus.

3:55 PM]TheMockingCrows:
lady beside me noticed my hoodie said Celtic Tree Of Life and was wondering what it meant, it was kinda confusing bc i was on my phone and when im on bus my hearing turns to Shit so i was kept going "??? ovo;;;????" when i realized people were talking to me for some reason. dude heard and pointed out and explained and i agreed. and then he said "Everything's related" and i agreed "yep everything's interconnected" and then the lady commented that everything had a spirit and a soul and i nodded and went back to my game and the dude kept going
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
got into philosophical debate with this dude about evolution and stuff and kept getting more and more hype and loud
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and then suddenly started talking about aliens
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and then started talkking about superior beings, of which he supposedly was one
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and then going on about how money meant nothing to him because he was more important than us, he could torch hundred dollar bills like it was nothing supposedly. and he wouldn't. shut. up.
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and he was MAD that anyone who disagreed with him "just wasn't listening to him"
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and i just
[3:56 PM]TheMockingCrows:
i just started fucking laughing at him
[3:58 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and then he started jumping at the nice black lady who'd noticed my hoodie in the first place and getting all up in her face and she was just like "ok then since you're so superior, tell me my nationality. tell me my race. 8l" and he was So Pissed that she said he was incorrect when he guessed african american that she started to laugh at his ass too
[3:58 PM]TheMockingCrows:
and then he was just escalating so much he even said "ya'll need to stop before i get kicked off this bus" like a fuckin' threat. the bus driver was like "mr alien. 8l this is your stop." "no it's not." "it is now. 8llll"
[3:58 PM]TheMockingCrows:
tried to take a swing at a dude at the front. who then followed his ass off the bus and stayed in his face.