Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i reached the point in the book where it stopped being Algebra and started being things my friend was learning in Calculus that made 0 sense to me bc I'd never experienced it before and decided to switch books. so for now it's back to addition and the like, but it's Ground Up learning so I'm content to follow the pattern.

still wide awake and in a good mood. following impulses has continued to be a good thing today. c: had ice cream earlier when i wanted it, and fishsticks later bc roomie made them and now i'm having "hm maybe food?" thoughts but no Should Do This NOW!!! feeling so I'm... not doing it lol. an anti-impulse feeling? sort of?

i still have no idea what's up, it's prolly still related to the day without my meds till late, maybe it hitched a Restart of my pills kinda? full effectiveness. or maybe its the new medicine finally getting rid of the constant background silent migraines... the new pill helps Brain Health so maybe something was inflamed and constantly upset in there and it was fucking with my emotions. who knows! the mri is tuesday and i guess i'll know if anything turns up. it's a no-contrast one, she didn't want me to have to get poked and said that if it appeared without contrast it'd be enough to worry about now that we know what's there With contrast already.

 

absolutely nobody:
me at 11pm: ....haha what if I got a psychology degree.

 

@idiomie you think? im actually talking it through with friends and the more im realizing the things that made me not want to before are changed so much its an option now and im kind of making eyes at it anxiously like "........................................................hello."

tbh after my family, nathan, the whole disability bullshit struggle, the being poor, the being divorced thing, and surviving all that like... my original concerns of "how will i handle dealing with other people's bullshit" are feeling more hollow as reasons against it. and with the internet and skillshare and other things i can still self teach more art and do that on the side still. and i'd be able to physically keep up with it, most likely. and i'd learn more about my own stuff in the process as well and keep it up and.

................. idk man it feels good and im making big eyes at it rn. maybe its a sign.

 

yes, actually, i really do think

also, if an in-person/on-campus college experience is not up your alley/available, can i recommend ASU's bs/ms program in psychology? because that's what i'm starting next year - ASU has one of the most robust online college platforms atm (ex-boyfriend's mother was like... a dean, i think? and apparently her college was super attacked an anxious about how good ASU's online programs are)

 

I've got my community college I'd be able to go to, and then I'm right next door to OSU where I could transfer to. and if I can get my foot in the door THERE then I can just like. reach my foot elsewhere in the system bc of connections potentially.

im worried this feels like an impulse thing but at the same point it feels less like an impulse thing and more like "hey, this has been here the entire time, you can still do art and write, but you'll be able to do it better while working a nice desk job that pays well and lets you be independent like you've always wanted."

 

FUCK IT IM DOING IT
IM ASKING THE COUNSELOR ON MONDAY WHAT TO DO AND IM DOIN' IT.

 

tiny gremlin in my brain: but what if regret
me with a broom: GO AWAY THIS IS THE BEST OPPORTUNITY I'VE GOT YOU WHORE

 

GO FOR IT :D

 

i am riding such a high right now i feel like i just figured out the answer to life itself lmfao

 

slept on it and still feel positive about it, i think it's a good sign :D

 

now that im going in tomorrow to the campus im anxious for some reason. anxious and excited.
but anxious.

gremlins trying to naysay and be obnoxious but im keeping them quiet through sheer force of grubfuck rage.

 

SCREE YOUR GREMLINS INTO QUIESCENCE. YOU WILL BE TRIUMPHANT <3

 

its mostly cold feet bc ill be trying to talk to the financial people tomorrow as well
and the cold feet of starting New Thing to the usual age old tune of everyone else in the worlds worries "will i be good enough for this" "can i do it" "am i smart enough" "what if i do all this and hate it" etc etc etc.

weak arguments rlly bc itll open so many options and opportunities, so like... >w> Mmmmm shoosh gremlins.

 

whoop, today is Not go to campus day. body says No and I'm gonna listen to it since I've been p non-stop recently and should take a break. rescheduled to thursday or friday instead, prolly thursday. it's also gonna prolly rain later, its all cloudy and cool and the pressure is doing things to my joints. :/

so uh. gold star for still doing the thing but not destroying myself bodily to do the thing? I don't feel like a failure or like im giving up, either, it's refreshing.

 

brain: THE WALK IN HOURS ARE 10-1, GET UP EARLY AND GO
me: the commute time for that bus and the other bus i need to take to pt would be cutting it p goddamn close when you factor in the actual counseling, the fact i wanted to see TWO people, and the time it'd take me to walk from place to place. we go thursday.
brain: but what if it disappears before thursdaaaaaay

shoosh with you. 8l;

 

pt today! excited to show my progress and to push myself C:

also my letter arrived in Russia today, which is exciting. The dude's so excited, he keeps calling me his friend now and is all stoked to write back.

I finished the section on Fractions, with my only points off being from careless mistakes I need to get better about catching myself in, and now I'm on decimals. the reason I'm doing a baby math review is so i can keep getting back up to less baby math in time for classes to start. i even bought books and everything before, but lately ive had the focus and drive and energy to actually work on everything, its been great.

 

ABSOLUTELY CRUSHED PT TODAY, WOO
got all sweaty but im not Destroyed and walked out feelin' gr8.

 

the more research i do into the psych thing to get a feel for it and get a feel for some goals the more excited i get?

like. i saw forensic psychology and my eyes zoomed there hardcore for a variety of reasons, and I'm gonna keep zooming at it because Hhhhhhhhhhhhh lowkey special interest territory. im also leaning towards clinical more than general counseling, just because it'd prepare me for people who are less likely to have a majority of their shit under control and functional, which means they'd need more help, which is exciting as well bc i'd be getting to hopefully help someone's quality of life improve. general counseling sounds appealing still but.. Hm. still more research to do and plenty of time to do it in before that's an issue I'd need to hone in on more.

 

psych check in and mri went well! tomorrow..... OuO THE DAY.....

 

THE DEED
SHE IS DONE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Starting January 13th I'm registered for:

baby math: high speed edition - 3 credit hours but they don't count towards the degree bc remedial course, online
intro to psych: 3 credit hours, online
another crack at the early european history course, but with a different teacher, bc looking at reviews of the other one that I couldn't keep up with my god: 3 credit hours, online
french 101: 4 credit hours, gotta haul my cookies to campus twice per week the entire semester.