Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

idk if i explained why my last professor ganked me hard enough that i dropped the class.

to put it into explanation from the rating site that put it into good words: "this wasn't like a first semester history class. this was like honors + english + history with no learning curve and a harsh grading system."

120ish pages of reading a week, 2-3 page papers per week, memorization, lots of questions to answer that she'd pick randomly from, and she wasn't interested in just knowing the answer. no. she wanted to know the impact of xyz event, in specific wording, following the formula she'd given as an example, with a minimum word count.

it's no wonder i was overwhelmed, nobody else seemed to like her either.

 

im having an off spooky season this year, it seems, but im making up for it with... being jazzed for chrimbo??? im in need of sparkling lights and snow and shiny shit i guess.

 

woo my mri showed no significant changes :D

 

i was starting to go crazy worrying that I'd sent the money for my photos and it had gotten stolen or something along the way, because nobody so much as gave me a courtesy text to let me know it got there safely. i finally broke down and texted ex dad's number bc it was the only one i remembered, apologized for bothering and inquired to the status of the letter in question. hooray, it was there in one piece! they were busy packing apples and hadn't sent my package yet, but the money made it in one piece at least. :D

 

srsly tho who just. leaves people hanging like that.. maybe its a family trait and nathan being a terminus made it even more intense.

 

i havent drawn in a couple days and the quiet gremlins in my brain are going "you gave up on doing art as your job and now you're not going to ever be good at it" like thats somehow equivalent at all?? ive gone longer without drawing and been fine o_o if anything this eased pressure up. my ability to survive wont be dependent on my art style.

 

the term Quiet BPD was brought to my attention and DAMN does that make a lot more sense for me than typical bpd, i understand a lot more now on why they say i still have it along with the c-ptsd. i wish i knew that phrase before, because it would've made such a big difference for me.

 

ya'll. i finally dug out my journal again after like almot a year of not having the heart to keep up with it and did an entry and read back a bit. its like night and day. things have improved so much for me in such a small window of time, things have stabilized so much, and even improved further so recently it's kinnd of making my head spin. reading entries before we got my meds levels right is like seeing a different person writing.

it's like looking back in my screaming thread at different points in my life, it's like a different human being, but im so glad i've left it all in tact so i can compare to how things are now. like. jesus. case study in growth of a human beings stabilization.

 

is it strange that i want it to be january and i want to be starting classes already because im afraid that, somehow, it'll suddenly stop being real and things will go wrong and everything will fall apart if i don't start soon? it's not possible that'll happen, things will be okay and i'll be starting things after the holidays pass, but it feels so far away that i can't relax. i just want it so badly to be tangible and real.. i want my textbooks, i want my supplies, i want to study and practice and work and have something to hold in my hands like "yes, this is real, this is true, i'm a student even though i'm this old and i'm going to be doing this many things so i can reach the other end of all of this because now i suddenly have another dream that can be tangible".

 

I dunno, it makes sense to me. Every time something in my life improves, I feel both deeply mistrustful and desperate to pounce on it in case it up and disappears before I can take advantage. My doctor says that's normal. You learn from experience what to expect in life, and it takes time to adjust to changes, even good ones.

 

my therapist was so ridiculously happy at all my good news it was like info dumping but she was grinning real big lmfao

 

i slept like 12 hours last night, showered today, and then felt like i needed a nap. bc the eternal sleeps arrived.

i wound up dreaming, at the very end, about tomatoes. i saw tomatoes, and was talking about growing more to replace the ones i'd used, and i think even plucked some from this quickly grown seed plant. so i looked up tomato meanings in dreams and wow, what a lot of positive messages, i'll take'em.

 

i feel bad saying this bc i still haven't played any of the trolls pesterquest routes just yet, but

jesus h christ vriska and gamzee's sprites are fugly to me, what happened

 

what a nice day. traded in $21 worth of books i didn't want, bought $40.25 worth that i did want.

• psych 101
• Tudor fashion and costume
• some graphic novels
• a stephen king collection
• some fantasy novels

also got a free calendar for spending over $30. c:

we ate lunch at an italian place, had my first ever Cesar salad and enjoyed it a lot. good pasta too. got apples and some candy at the Lucky's, then got some other groceries at the Aldis.. made it home. I finished another chapter of my BroHal fic and introduced the frankenfurb, am working on my bucketswap piece and another fic as well while petting my cat. i've been journaling each night before bed. i might be going to new york for thanksgiving with roomies folks.

all in all?? very nice day. C: relaxing.

 

TWO FIC UPDATES IN THE SAME DAY BITCHES, HAHAHAHAHA PRODUCTIVITY OUT THE ARSE.

 

Considering I went in blind our of curiosity, that's not bad tbh. c: I wanted to see what kinds of things were on that test, and lo and behold I'm not a TOTAL fool about it.

 

not sure if im getting sick or what but Bluh
did about 1/4 of what i usually do at PT bc i was just. exhausted. super fatigued and my legs felt really heavy and my heart was hammering. then when we did the TENS unit to at least work the muscle while i was there sitting, it hurt like fuck for some reason no matter what we did? like. stabbed with a fork pain instead of the usual pinch and tension discomfort. it's STILL aching hours later. never had that happen before.

but i left and came home and took a nap and i just feel like a bag of dicks while laying on a heating pad, ya'll.

 

time to schedule being anxious a month from now, bc i Finally got someone to call back about my wisdom teeth. I get'm yanked on tuesday december 10th at 1pm. i'll be unconscious the entire time thankfully.

 

feeling very productive today! i took care of litter and trash in my room and the bathroom, took my dishes out of the room, made curry and rice which is delicious if i do say so myself, and even just managed to take a shower. and all before 5pm!

 

Fwiw it wasn't that bad for me even though I had all four impacted & needed cut out and got dry sockets on like the second day of recovery. It's kind of boring being on the "can't chew things" diet for that long, but the discomfort was manageable with otc stuff