Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

had therapy today but she was so loud on the phone video that i was tense and didn't talk as much as i wanted to :'D maybe next time. eventually ill bring up the gender stuff more to her but idk when yet, still anxiety about it. still anxiety about the sexuality trauma bullshit too.

did homework tho! got a B on my psych exam and did my history homework.

still need to:

• History discussion board
• History journals
• History Final
• Psych final
• Unit 10-14 of BioAnthro
• BioAnthro discussion boards
• BioAnthro Final

 

i just dropped $400 on myself, bc my stimulus payment came in.

ordered:

• some books, including some algebra books so i can self study over the summer
• cosplay wings i want to paint for davesprite
• bras and panties
• an EXERCISE BIKE, A REAL ONE, WITH A LAPTOP DESK HELL YEAH
• a silly cosplay outfit (pink seifuku)
• some hypoallergenic earrings so my holes stop sealing up
• some new face scrubbies
• digestive treats for kitty

shipping isnt gonna be till like June but i can wait tbh. they're under a huge amount of strain already and none of this is life alteringly needed ASAP or anything, it'll just be nice when it arrives, yknow?

HERE COMES THE ANXIETY ABOUT SPENDING MONEY ON MYSELF

 

today was the first day in a long time I’ve been able to bind all day, and it’s thanks to my shoulder getting fixed I could even get the binder on safely and securely.

and yet, even with the properly sized binder on

i get the tiddy bounce when going up and down stairs

so much fucking hate, god, i really, REALLY need to ask my doctor if I can get a reduction somehow, this is bullshit.

 

feelin' very adulty today! fixed my PCP listing and information for my new insurance so i'll get a card ASAP, figured out the BMV issue bc my ID expires on my birthday, paid my rent, changed an appointment time for physical therapy, have all my homework done for my classes, and im gonna call a vision clinic about getting my eyes checked at a place that's finally not Walmart so I don't mcfucking Die! :D

 

for an example of how sleepy/out of it i am today: I've napped twice this afternoon after sleeping 11 hours last night, and when i made my dinner drink i decided i was gonna make it with coffee so i could perk up at least for the evening... and i forgot to add the coffee to the drink and didnt realize till it was all gone.

 

me: what if.... no tiddy. what if top surgery instead of reduction.
brain: :OOOOOO

 

pro: all my classes are done now, I’m free for the summer, and my doctor said she’d get me in contact with a surgeon for the reduction.

con: all day today I’ve been in this weird limbo where the only things ive done is make curry, shower, and email my doctor. the rest of the time has been essentially spent staring at the wall. i feel tense and anxious and idk why.

 

after more research and thinking it over and discussion with my friends, i think im gonna ask the surgeon if he can just. take them off of me entirely. and what it'd take to do that. i don't think i'd be happy with remaining boobs. my identity isn't tied to my boobs. I don't think about my boobs aside from them being in the way usually, or being a hassle to worry about. I don't think I'd miss them. and i know i can still femme it up even without tiddies bc its not like i need tits to be femme.

i even did a tarot pull to see how it'd go/if the surgeon would do what i wanted and i got the world. "attainment and assured success, maturity, completion, signifies the end of a voyage or a change of residence".

 

I FEEL SO BAD FOR MY FRIENDS LMFAO EVER SINCE THIS "omg i could actually do this :O" STARTED ITS BEEN A LOT OF TALKING ABOUT MY TITS EVER SINCE LMFAO

 

will insurance cover this for me, 9 of wands.

okay, what's the Bit Of Knowledge I'll need cards. riddle me that.

 

anxiety from the hellbrain, woooo.

 

my brain, the hellfactory right now:

 

you ever just have a moment of loving yourself unconditionally and it hits you so out of left field because you’re not used to it that you’re in shock?

ever since deciding on going for top surgery instead of a reduction i’ve been researching and discussing and talking to people about it and I can’t think of any regrets I’d have, and now I’m just??? I feel happy about the plans I have for my body. I feel excited. I feel like this is the right answer, I feel kind of euphoric I guess? I feel like I'm in my body for the first time instead of just passing through repeatedly and kind of hovering.

fuck waiting for pride, I’m here I’m queer I’m visible and I fucking love myself for the first time in my life and it’s kind of overwhelming.

 

mmm still vibing that good vibe but man
kind of surprised
all my friends have been chill with the top surgery thing, supportive, excited/happy
except one who decided to play devil's advocate ala "What if you regret it?" "body image is the ENTIRE body and removing a chunk might be really bad" etc etc etc
she was supportive in her own way but with that devils advocate stuff it was kind of a whump to the stomach and i was really startled. i guess because i'e been riding the high of making the decision in the first place?? and then all positiveness and happiness and comfort and feeling secure and suddenly "Welllllllllll"

:/c Mm.

 

one cool up side to all this though? it pushed me to actually reach out into queer spaces for once while I was hunting for information and opinions and thoughts, and I finally saw people like me and just... so many of the little thoughts I've had, the feelings, the decisions, everything is the same. It's like looking in a really happy mirror. I've never had that before, and hearing so many other voices saying this thing helped them and made them more themselves for the same reasons is just ???!!!?????

tumblr might be a hellscape but it gave me the words for my identity, and facebook Sucks but it gave me an entire network of other people like me to poke at as well, and there's here and reddit and other places and it's just. i don't know how to put it into words. it's like being hugged. i don't even know these people but I feel like I'd be comfortable hanging out and having dinner or drinks or shooting the shit, which is like. never something that happens with my shy ass.

it's a lot of emotion.

 

PRODUCTIVITY HO
finally FINALLY hunted down in my insurance where that shit would be covered. found the specific needs.
pinged my psychologist with a heads up and a "can you put me on the canceled patient list so we can talk sooner pls and thank"
am working out a list of what to talk about with her so I can cover everything properly and not forget anything/not clam up now that it's more important and there's a bit of a schedule to keep.

maybe this is what the tarot was talking about when it was saying something about hidden information and preparedness. >:O

 

I dreamed I got to be the boy in the dress last night.
woke up at 6am almost on the dot, wide awake and comfortable and content.
still lingering happy.

please let this be a sign.

 

surgeon called earlier to warn me that insurance would not cover a reduction unless I managed to get down to 215 pounds.
I asked "okay, but what about top surgery"
and he said "Oh! That's entirely different, yeah that should be fine."

No negative reaction at all, all positive, seemed chill about it. i talk with him in more detail in the morning but!!!! some of the severe anxiety is gone now C:

 

okay, putting this here to keep my ass accountable and in control of the situation.
I'm counting calories again, but I'm NOT going to keep a daily tally of them I don't think. That's where it messes me up and I start cutting down further and further. I'm just gonna keep a calculator up and use the add function when i eat things so i know my daily amount but not day to day.
I also did a lot of exercise earlier before my nap and I plan on doing it again shortly. Go figure. It feels nice though, since I'm all healed from surgeries. No subtle subluxing when I'm doing leg lifts, no straining, just normal out of shape muscle shakes and a nice burn and weakness. Doing some crunches too with the leg lifts, and some things with arm weights. Am I still in bed doing all this? Yes. It's the only space I have, but bonus is I'm not faint and I don't feel POTSie afterwards or out of breath, no need for inhaler. My kitty doesn't like it much tho, lol, she keeps wanting to lay on me and suddenly there's legs sweeping the length of the bed and disrupting her cuddles.