Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

tarot's still giving good news, so here's hoping it continues to be correct.

contacted my pcp about mammogram and asked if she wanted any other tests or bloodwork or anything done. apparently insurance might be finicky about it because I'm only 31, but we shall see. I'm anxious for the trans clinic to contact me, I'm so hype I just want to streamline stuff as much as I can so I'm rolling right along.

took a short walk earlier bc I forgot my inhaler and HUFFPUFF my chunky butt was out of breath 2x faster than usual, exercised earlier and continuing to do so. slower today than yesterday tho because sore, but that means I'm doing it right if the muscles are tired so Hell yeah. still going 8llllll @ amazon not showing when my shipment date will be for that bike i ordered, but trying to be patient. it's been 2 weeks tho... and not a word.... fingers crossed it comes Someday lmfao.

the calorie counting is difficult. I can do the math, but it's difficult in the "eating enough and not skimping even tho i want to"/"I feel guilty at certain numbers" line. Today I'm aaaat.... lemme see. about 1400 and I've got my 300 for my dinner drink. so not perfect but still under 2k and I'm exercising more than usual so little bits are doing things to my metabolism I hope. I'm trying to just stick to "under 2k" as a baseline and not worry or hyperfixate but fuck is it difficult.

cmon brain, we're doing good rn, don't fuck this up for me.

 

Congrats on healthy dieting!

I never calorie counted, I found what worked for me was small to tiny portions and eating another if I was still hungry in half an hour. Also getting rid of the "there's only a little bit left, guess I'll eat all of it" mentality and saving leftovers even if they're only a bite or so. I'd also reccomend having available fruits and veggies as snack/quick food, I snack on tangerines and different berries. Getting a lot of fresh food really helps too, and cutting down meat intake to only a little bit a week, fresh meat is good for you but the portions people are used to eating at once are a lot, it's healthier to have a meal of mostly veggies with a bit of meat on the side rather than the other way around.

However, highly agree that a calorie count diary is gonna harm more than help. Just be sure to look out for like, brainscrem about starving yourself/disordered eating thoughts and such? bc losing weight is good but only if it doesn't come at the expense of mental health.

edit: also this can be a sensitive topic so uh, please do let me know if this is unwanted or over the line and I will shut up.

 

Yeah, the brainscream is what I'm keeping an eye on most of all. It likes to jab at me because I've got a low self image as it is and the numbers being lower makes me happy even if it's the opposite of good. I wind up doing smaller portions when I'm calorie counting, because then I'm more focused on portion sizes of things, so it evens out. and man, meat is EXPENSIVE the only time I have meat anymore is when its in soup or curry xD or tuna fish.

 

me: im counting calories and being good and trying to lose weight
also me: i would fucking kill a man for nachos rn.

 

im realizing that now that the teat yeet is a thing, or actually since I realized it could be a thing for me even, it's. been a hyperfocus. It and the whole genderfluid thing. Just. Cannot shut up about it. I'm so hype at all times rn, it's weird, I'm not used to being this hyped about things without bad things happening afterwards lmfao. Like. lowkey waiting for the other foot to drop and kind of panicking wondering what shoe will drop and where.

 

that bike on amazon was still not showing any updates two weeks later, so i canceled it and the safety plan and got one for slightly more off ebay. at least this one i know will come by may 27th. I started cleaning my room already to make space for it lmfao, i'm excited for it. its a recumbent bike in red, long enough for me to extend my leggies and then some thanks to the adjustment of the seat on the frame, and it'll hold a tablet or a cellphone or something. I'm content. It's not the tabletop I wanted, but I can do without that just fine. I just need the bike and to start moving ASAP. I'm still doing exercises in bed, lots of double leg lifts and crunches and weight lifts, but I need the cycling exercise for cardio.

I'm stoked.

 

signed up for autumn classes, memo to self: call the IRS tomorrow and get my stupid non-filing letter already so i can ensure i get funding this autumn.

• social psychology 3 credits
• history: 1648- modern times 3 credits
• elementary algebra 5 credits
• creative writing 3 credits

it beats me up that those 5 credits arent gonna matter at all lol, it's a remedial course.

 

I've been journaling a lot lately, 2-3 pages per entry in my nice journal. And I've been talking a lot here. And to friends about the whole top surgery thing and queerness and just. idk. compared to how low profile and quiet about myself or my thoughts that I usually am this almost feels narcissistic in comparison? like spotlight on me, dance pose. it's disconcerting, I keep having to remind myself it's okay to be a little absorbed in yourself and your thoughts if you're not used to being ...well. yourself. lol.

I'm just!!! jazzed!!! and want everything to roll along at a good pace! it's wildin', man.

 

shark week hit and its not Terrible but its bad enough i had to take extra steps to ensure i could still do my little workout. god i can't wait till this recumbent bike gets here. I'm a little sad because some people say it's too late for me to lose weight ahead of surgery time, that I should've started a year ago but like??? theres tons of people BIGGER than me who've had surgery and done just fine? look great? theres also tons of people who lost more weight after surgery because they finally felt decent enough to do so. there ain't no laws >:U fuck the system, I'm doin' my best now bc the raging trash fire of my life is finally maintained to a gentle glow instead of an uncontrolled inferno.

 

psych visit went great, got to discuss all this stuff in a bit of detail. She said she has no problem writing my letter for me, but that she wants to wait till after I get in contact with the trans clinic and get more info and stuff. She wants to discuss this further in the future as well, over the next few appointments, to see if my level of apparent excitement changes. I was just. Grinning and stoked and peaceful the entire appointment. Jazzed. Felt great.

she brought up a question though which was "what does androgyny and masculine mean to you?" which. made me think. i can't put it into words bc its a feeling?? when i was still with nate i explained it to him as "Sometimes i feel like a woman loving a man, sometimes i feel like a man loving another man and sometimes i feel like a person loving a person" and they're all very distinct in my head but i struggle to find the words for it. Really made me think. Hm.

 

the eye exam is gonna have to be out of pocket apparently, bc the place that my insurance listed as acceptable.. doesn't take my insurance lmfao. so. yeah. go figure. Farewell $93 I will miss you, but it's better than going to Walmart. I feel like I can get a proper eye exam here.

 

on good news tho, my mammogram is set for the 19th and it'll be the only one I ever have to do lol

 

just came out to my best friend I've known since highschool and im on cloud nine now

 

dropping almost $300 for an exam + retinal scan, new glasses and new prescription shades all in the same day is BIG OOF

but on the up side: its done. its dooooone.

My eyes changed a bit, right eye got worse left a little better? and I'm being given prisms for the first time, a tiny one, to try alleviating the occasional crosseye I get while reading. I forgot the term for what he said it was, but my eyes go back to resting position every time they rest instead of being able to stay matching tracked. Also YUM I've got the rest of my tuna tofu scramble and I'm Satisfied for the day.

 

I finally have one (1) reason I'm nervous about top surgery: I'll finally be able to see my stomach and just how out of shape I am. xD this is a minor thing comparatively I know, but considering I never see it aside from in mirrors as it is it'll be a shock.. I'll have to keep on my own ass about not backsliding into things, just to be sure. I don't want more eating problems to happen because I'm insecure.

 

exercise bike is in Arizona aw yis aw yis aw yis aw yis
time to do a little dance time to do a big dance
time to shake it shake it booty quake it
fuck yes its ACTUALLY COMING AND WILL BE HERE SOON ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

me: still dealing with the tiny doubt voice
my brain: ....you do realize cis people don't tend to stay up late at night wondering about cutting their boobs off, right. like. that's not standardly a thing people do if it's not right for them. not usually. this is not a normal thing people just stay up researching and worrying about. i think you're gucci.

 

man.. today is a lazy lazy sunday. i slept a lot more than usual, and all I've done today is tidy up a bit in my room and take my trash out, and do some leg lifts and some crunches. I might take a bath later, not sure. It'd feel nice.. I want to draw and write but my brain's just not cooperating the last couple days tbh. I'll see if I can come up with anything but I'm not gonna be too upset if not. S'just really laid back relaxed day.. and I don't feel panicked over it.

like. it's already 5 and I'm feeling fine instead of anxious and upset and tense. can i have more of this feeling? it's nice.

 

me last night: i know what i want this polyswap fic to be like now.
me now: several thousand words deep and knee deep in smut

well then.

 

felt like doing the dishes so now everything that'll fit in the sink is soaking, including all the things from my room and the silverware from the table that had stacked up in the kitchen, and I'mma go scrub'em in a lil bit. I think the double leg lift crunch things are helping bc usually my lower back would already be murdering me and this time it was more of a "whew I'm a little winded" instead of "ow ow ow ow ow".