Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

psych gave me an affirmation to do daily.

"I am the best I can be this day, and that's good enough."

He also apparently knew the woman whose book I recently got, "Changing Course: healing from loss, abandonment and fear", from when he got his masters, she was on the board. therapy was rough today. it equaled out to me believing everyone deserves attention, respect, care, and affirmation. ...except me. and i've no idea why it's so hard for me to internalize that i'm worth anything too.

 

MISSING CAR KEY LOCATED AND CAR FUNCTIONAL.

i broke down and ordered $50 worth of groceries on instacart because we were out of all the necessities and some pantry items and i needed fluids since in the 2 weeks its been gone we ran out. when it arrived i was laughing and told the lady we were missing our car key for two weeks. she said "is that it?"

fucker was lodged hidden between the stoop and the house front. real close, just out of sight.

i tipped her extra.

 

i was nearly spiders georg last night, i just remembered. spider was on me in the car and jumped back when i tried to shoo it out the window. disappeared. lil thing. put on my mask to go into the store, felt something go in my mouth, spit it out. was spider.

 

lots of back and hip pain. I know the hips is from instability and can't be fixed, the back is like "Why u like this" and is frustrating me. painkiller doesn't touch it. pinged the doctor. not holding out hope so at least it'll be on the record.

 

idk if I'm feeling Wonky because I'm home alone, or bc it's the election, or stress from school or what but I just feel so empty and drained and I can't will myself to do anything. I scored nearly the lowest on my class psych exam, missed 10 free points on a discussion board because i forgot to write it on my schedule like a dunce. I've done some dishes yesterday and today, and I'm resting it off. I've got my pain center place on the 25th but like... ugh.

i also need to do my xray and mri, but i can't get the bloodwork done because they're closed on sundays it turns out, so my one stop shop plan is flawed.

i wanna draw but have no inspiration or focus. i wanna watch something but nothing sounds good. food doesn't taste right. i know it's the depression but like, jesus, give me a break. all day today my head felt weird and i was zoning out. :< i just wanna draw and write again, and not flunk my classes..

 

all around my house are frat boys yelling
drunken beer pong, over stuffed bongs
bright and early will the hangovers come
but they don't care, no they don't care
lots of reasons now to cut loose and party
no tomorrows, no more sorrows
classes to forget and lessons to unlearn
late deliveries, fast food mysteries
i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
at all of these parties there's not one mask to be had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
there's only so many jokes to be made in this
mad world
mad world

 

;c; that was a scary mri.... it was the small standard size one and i am a Very Not Small Person, so we put a sheet over my arms to keep from them catching on the walls of the thing and i was just.... kind of uncerimoniously stuffed inside. in a football helmet. in a mask. in a tiny tube i couldn't move at all in.

 

mri: a-ok. no new spots, no changes in old spots.

neck xray: aside from some arthritis, they found that the curve of the neck is uh. backwards from what it's supposed to be. so that's fun. no idea what i'm supposed to do with it lmfao.

 

a ton of manga i ordered came in today. I'm Floundered lol. Though instead of sweeping me away, it's made me sad. Because there's so many crowds and group things and I just.. am seeing this and it feels sad, man. This whole virus situation sucks. I just want a nice safe hug tbh.

 

i got three hours of sleep
because
i was struggling with my sinuses
and then my cat
my beloved baby
decided "oh look, a box to dig at ovo!"
and dug at the box of soda near my bed
and then
she shit on my floor
again
messily this time, its in the fucking carpet
again, i have slept 3 hours
im wide the fuck awake now bc of that
and i am full of RAGE AND WRATH

 

recently i realized i could just. buy books from my childhood that i was missing the art of a lot. so i did. I bought Strawberry Shortcake's Cooking Fun and Poochie and the Four Seasons Fair. And while I'm thrilled because I loved the art so much, I'm also having flashbacks because of their scent. They smell like pine needles for some reason, and that aged kind of christmas tree pine needle, and it's just. I'm getting such strong flashbacks here, back to childhood when things were still mostly okay or I wasn't aware of how bad they were, and I'm just vibing and smiling and basking in this moment.

 

also i bought a metric fuckton of doll hair, the world will fear my rerooting skills.

 

it went well! it took a long time but its over now and im glad i went. they were very thorough, and they’re starting me on very slow, very basic things. nobody threw me under the bus, nobody disbelieved me, and they’re all doing what they can to help.

I’m gonna see a rheumatologist, i go back for physical therapy in january, and I’m gonna see a geneticist to see if I have EDS despite not having the stretchy skin calling card. They were glad I was already doing double therapist work for mental health, and that I’m carrying on with school and trying to do my hobbies and interests despite the discomfort.

physical doctor, the last one, said that i was an odd case because there were things specifically that might lower my pain as opposed to just trying to lower it overall. namely, i might need hip surgery, because it turns out i have extra bone around the socket on both sides. (I know, right? more weird shit with my skeleton.)

but overall, the good vibes worked ya’ll, good things happened!

 

im hypomanic!
i won a doll lot!
it contains: a raggedy tunderella? no. TANGLED. TANGLED. rAPUNZEL. rapunzel. a raggedy rapunzel, but not the raggedy ann doll type i mean like a barbie doll with bendy arms, and a nice one with a dress, and a descendants doll, and an ever after high doll, and 10 Monster High dolls, all with hands, and then a big batgirl and supergirl baby doll each and im not sure what to do with them tbh???? might just donate them but man for $43 bucks thats not bad at all, even removing the raggedy rapunzel and the two baby dolls its only $3.90 per doll instead of much more like in other lots and it didn't cost me an arm and a leg.

did i need more dolls? no! am i getting more dolls?
YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM.

i am. feeling really good atm. it was Briefly scary, but now im just bouncing and feeling funny and everything's bright and colorful and i feel happy and aaaaaaah. i wanna draw!!!! but that hurts, holding the tablet right now, so that's not happening. i might still draw? later? i mean its midnight so earlier. later earlier? morning. not morning-morning though, we're going shopping then. but sometime before i sleep!!

 

MY DOLL COMES TOMORROW AND IM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
its like christmas!!!! EXCITEMENT!!!! DOLL!!!! MY BOI!!!!

 

i have no impulse control and bought a second doll. im making it a dave. because i can.

LOOK AT THIS DOE EYED BABE, IM SO EXCITED

 

making my first doll wig! :D

 

so i saw the hip doctor today aaaaand.... he had nothing to offer me. so he suggested i see the hip SURGEON and i got in to see him on Thursday in the afternoon lmfao.

 

sad and wistful today, remembering things. got really intensely upset remembering my ex, but my friend pointed out it's probably better to focus on the good times we had and the positive memories instead of the negative things and how badly things ended. so now im remembering italy and portofino and seeing neuschwanstein castle from the highway and how austria looked like everything was coated in powdered sugar and the ladies at the mcdonalds we stopped at were wearing dirndle uniforms. im remembering how cold germany was. im remembering seeing silent figures in venice behind masks, and eating gelato and a great seafood feast that made me sick as a dog. im remembering late nights making ice cream, and how he always ate whatever i made like it was a five star meal. most of the time with his parents was hell, missouri was hell, but italy, no matter how trapped and alone i felt, was still the highlight of my life. no matter what came before or after, that was where i got my life slowly started on the right path, and things would get better from there slowly but surely.

i hate him so much it hurts but i also still love him and that breaks me inside.

also is it normal to cry kind of hysterically when trying to make a vision board, asking for a friend who is me.

 

in better news today i made: perfect doll panties, little Jade stockings, and a red ribbed skirt to go with the red and white raglan shirt i made Rowan. i feel accomplished.