Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

Got my covid test results: clear, as expected. I'm now isolating till my surgery and... God I wish I could go out. I want to do things before my surgery, I want to go places and see people and just be OUT AND ABOUT. But can't.

I'm also fairly sure that school isn't supposed to fill you with nauseating dread and anxiety, but here I am on spring break getting sick with stress about school that isn't even starting till Monday.

fun times.

 

14k words and just now heading towards smut, j f c i hope i can land this fic well.

 

landed the fic. made corned beef and cabbage. started late, dont get to eat till late, that's just how it be.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Scared about surgery.
Scared about new meds after surgery.
I go in at 6:10am on Friday for the knife.
I have 3 exams on Monday, right out the gate.
I have to memorize shit I haven't touched because I've been so anxious it was making me sick, but not doing it is also making me so anxious im sick.

I'm doing laundry tomorrow.
I'm gonna try to draw at Some point. idk when.

I'm just. a mess right now and all i've done is whine to friends and i feel bad for it.

 

realized i am going to be VERY messed up on Monday and might not, in fact, be able to do these exams. Pinged math and italian teacher asking What Do.

Math teacher already said no <3 I fucking hate her.

 

her logic is: you knew about it ahead of time and had no reason to not use your spring break up to do it instead. if it was an accident it would be different, though that would require more documentation and proof to get anything to happen.

which means I don't have a leg to stand on for complaining.

fun times.

 

I fucking despise teachers like that. Also this is surgery for your leg, isn’t it? That’s skirting extremely close to being illegal due to failure to accommodate disability. Who does she think she is, telling you how to schedule a break you’re equally entitled to as everyone else? She has no idea what your life is like or if that break was even free time, and she doesn’t get to dictate that you spend your free time doing coursework. It would be convenient if that had worked out, but disability is rarely convenient.

 

It's an online course, so sadly that's not even an argument that could be used. ol-< But yeah, apparently "Do it all during spring break" is legal to say.

 

surgery went well. home now. v tired. v dry mouthed. v hungry but drymouthe and throat feels like a desert despite dinking fluids.
they had trouble getting my iv in because i was so anxious did one hand then the other with tee skilled anesthesia lady
laat thing i ewmwmbwe was them coming in to do the nerve block and giving mme some meds which stung
dont remember the block or anttything else
wokke up in reovery

apparentyl mmy oxygen kepst goig low and stating slow aftersurgery
also i aopparently got nauseated and bupee d and turned totally gray so they were surpeised.
need to pee but wanna s,eeps

 

wow i was and am still fairly fucked up

 

started the blood thinner, took my night meds, took a pain pill. Next time i get the urge to KO i take it.

tomorrow i start the scary POTS medicine too.
ahhh so much is happening.

 

took all my meds.
sleepy.
i slept all night but im still sleep what gives lmfao
i need to study today, we'll see how it goes.

 

im already at the stage of recovery where im bored out of my fucking mind because the only thing to do is schoolwork and every time i start i get anxious for monday. .w.

 

passed out at 9pm woke up at 4am. wide awake. couldn't sleep more. couldn't get comfy. :<
also squeaking so much when i breathe. did my inhaler to try helping it, and i feel like i can breathe a bit better but there's still something gummy in there way down deep
must be from the breathing tube during surgery :/
managed to put on sweatpants and a pair of underwear finally \o/ i was getting so tired of the pussy out look of the flare skirt, it was uncomfy for me
still coughing. still feel weak. but im awake.

 

now to just. get my shit together enough to handle the next round of medication and start school work...

 

how much is apathy from surgery + meds
how much is apathy from not wanting to do these classes anymore
and how will my gpa look after i manage to heal up and then get the other side done?
We just don't know

 

seriously, like. what the fuck @ me, get your shit together. you should've been working on this stuff the entire break, you're gonna flunk and it's your own fault.
and yet
i don't care??
i don't care
at all.
just.
i want to curl up like a bug and disappear for a few months.

 

time to sit and eat jellybeans and consider the meaning of functional

 

it is 9pm

brain: sleep? do nothing and sleep? work tomorrow?
me: but need to memorize-
brain: sleeps????
me: not sleeps, memori-
brain: ovo do nothing, yes, good

 

okay. i feel better than i did this morning. this morning was a big wad of feeling like the only person in the world and also simultaneously panicking about everything and wanting to curl up and die. took a nap and that seemed to help lol.

now it's... still bad but i'm gonna be okay.
class in an hour and a half, exams to do
science exam to practice
math exam to take

its a lot
i'll manage
and then i'll rest

 

finished the italian exams. did i do well? We Just Don't Know and also don't care anymore.
did the science practice exam, got 8/10 points on 20 questions.
got the math exam to do tonight.

i can do this.