Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

had a big series of breakdowns last night. big snotty crying breakdowns. Was lovingly interventioned by two friends. Admitted how unhappy and stressed and sad and anxious I've been wrt school, and that I've skipped all week and been skimping out any chance I get and avoiding work and just making the situation worse on myself.

so im taking fall semester off.

feel like a failure. but its for the best.

 

hip injection get. traumatic. screamed, almost threw up, waited a few hours for my ride afterwards. Hip Hurty A Lot. displeased lmfao.

 

feel sick
feel stressed
feel sad
headache and body ache and general Blech
just.
im tired of feeling icky all the time, i want this Over with.
at least i managed to get some homework done. i only got 50% on the homework but its better than a zero..

 

the ick physically seems to be from the cortisone shot. headache and nausea: check. ugh.

 

may 10th is essentially the End of school for me. i just need to hold on till then. come on brain i know you're on fire, but hold it together and we can manage to land the stupid plane.

 

ive had a tension headache all fucking day and it just isn't going anywhere any time soon, goddamn.

 

MIGRAINE SEEMS TO BE GONE NOW ON DAY 3
GONNA CELEBRATE BY EATING A BURRITO THE SIZE OF A BABY SMOTHERED IN SAUCE SPICY ENOUGH I'LL LAUGH IN GODS FACE
........
NACHOS AND CHURROS TO FOLLOW.
HELL YESSSSSSSS

 

update: IM SO FULL AND MY SINUSES ARE GONE
theres so much burrito and nachos left and a few churros too
worth iiiiiit

 

managed to peel myself out of bed long enough to have a shower and change my clothes.
its not much but i'll take it.

 

not being ridiculously depressed anymore after a downswing is so disorienting
like
"I haven't felt the urge to die yet. When's it coming. When's the other shoe dropping. >W> ITS GONNA DROP WHEN'S IT DROPPING, WHY DO I FEEL FINE, HOW BAD AM I GONNA GET HURT."

 

i know i'm trans

i know i'm specifically genderqueer

i know i'm bi

but the romantic thing is a question mark/ Its Complicated bc Its Confusing bc i know that as much as i crave a relationship and romance i won't do a damn thing if i don't already know the person/am friends with someone which. Kinda puts a damper on things bc then it's like. "I want to be friends with this person. ...Am i just wanting to be friends with them bc i wish i could date them too? Am I being predatory somehow? They'd make a great best friend, but once they reach best friend I'll also wish I could date them??" And to top it off I'm not meeting anyone new so I'm not even reaching square one. I'm so lonely sometimes lmfao, brain why you gotta do me like this.

 

so after talking with my friend, we think we dissected where all this mental bullshit started. the beginning of the semester. the math class specifically. i was having to work all day, every day, just to stay caught up with everything, and i burnt out without noticing. and because i couldn't pause at all, the burnout just kept compounding and compounding. which led to the breakdown and subsequent bullshit and would explain why even now my nerves are fucking Shot.

 

Bipolar affective disorder added to my chart. Mood stabilizer upped. Anxiety med As Needed prescribed.

 

stress sick. surgery friday.
tense.
anxious.
sad.
paper to write, case studies to do.
italian to study.
can't draw, can't write.
can't think.
just stress.
weight on my shoulders, want to cry.
feel like im being dramatic and a whiner
can't help it
just want to be held and pet for a while and told everything'll be okay.

 

new fixation stress brain has picked up on:
what if i moved back to colorado, near my family.
what if i just. did that.
what if i lived there.

brain i dont need even more stress, god

 

late night losing my fucking mind wishing i could think of literally anything else

 

can't stop shaking. nerves shot.
cold, was hungry so i ate hoping it'd stop shaking
went to bed at 3, kept tossing and turning till half past 4
peed at 5:30
up at 7-7:30 unable to sleep more
fucked up second inhaler puff, kept coughing up phlegm
invasive thoughts all night, no decent rest
shaking. so much shaking.
i want to cry.

 

i fought the anesthesia after effects all yesterday when i got home, and then decided i was gonna nap around 7.
i woke up at 6am.
im still tired but couldn't get comfy.
whoo boi.

 

turned in my psych assessments and the reflections paper.
did i do any of them correctly?
fuck if i know
i don't care anymore
they're turned in, done and gone, and out of my hair now
and im never taking a class from her again
Ms. "Autism Speaks is a reputable source" ass.

 

feel strange today
had wild, intense dreams all night and sweat myself to death
woke up freezing
can't think, can't focus, can't... feel? its like im not feeling anything and its weirding me out
im just Existing and its quiet and cold and empty