Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

finished my last exam
did an 81% on it
68% in the class, but it should still be a pass
im free till next spring to get my brain and body in order now since i decided to take time off
im scared
im relieved
and my brain is having absolutely none of it
it hasn't calmed the fuck down or let me breathe a sigh of relief yet

 

tfw you feel like ass
are aware you feel like ass
dont WANT to feel like ass
and start devising ways to try counteracting the feeling like ass so you can at least distract yourself into feeling somewhat like you should/like you used to
now if my body and brain will just let me...

 

i dont get it though
why is it so hard to do things????
even things i want to do???
i can't seem to start watching anime, i end up listening to youtube things ive listened to before and staring into space instead
i can't seem to draw, its like pulling teeth and my body gives up on me fast bc stamina Gone
writing is a no go
i can't just fucking LAY here forever, its driving me batshit, idk whats going on

 

had good therapy, cried a bit.
realized my meltdown wasn't so much me having a meltdown but me losing control of a situation and losing my absolute shit over not having control instead of just
accepting the situation and letting it be
because letting it be sucks sometimes and im an impatient fuck.

.... also talked about how school is one goal, yes
but it might like... not be the end goal.
it might not be the path that i end up taking, or finishing, or even needing.
because the end goal i get might not be enough for me to handle even then, with how i am physically.

so i need to think of some extra goals, even if it makes me upset to think about "failing" my current goal so soon
just so i have backup plans and don't get overwhelmed with what i should do if everything im working for winds up not working out.
part of my meltdown was just not knowing what to do if i struggled and did everything and everything wound up being for nothing still.
and i still don't know what to do about that, because what i want is in one direction and idk how to get there any other way right now.
i need to think on it and figure it out.
there's more than one way to be happy and i need to just accept that sometimes things don't go the way we want them to and things aren't fair, but it doesn't mean i can't be happy still.

..... it's a lot to digest, really.
i don't know quite what to do with myself, because trying to think again makes me cry still.
but i need to work on it. i need backup plans. realistic ones. i need to think and plan and find ways to not feel trapped and helpless and hopeless again.

 

so. i've digested this more. and... it's not that bad?
it's kind of freeing actually, now that it's out in the open.
i don't feel that cloud of tension and stress over me anymore, already.
my roomie asked what i'd study in school if I didn't have the "and then i get a job" tagline added on.
art and writing.
like i'd wanted to for my entire life before psychiatry as a Career Option.
...i could study for fun. take classes for the hell of it instead of for solid career plan.
could volunteer.
could save and get car, get a lot of autonomy back then.
could write those books i wanted to write, enjoy mild royalties as extra income.
honestly like... if i figure out how to work with the ssi system and take advantage of what's on offer for me, it'd improve my life a lot right there.
even talked with another friend about maybe renting from her someday, when she gets her own place. being roomies. would be in the country then, instead of the city.

i have options already. more options than i was aware of. and they're not hinged on my physical abilities.
and that's... kind of a massive fucking relief.
i think im grateful for him pointing this out. i needed it out in the open.

 

mood keeps rising and falling. it's not hitting bottom thankfully, just. sinking. then rising back up.
calm and relaxed and feeling like ive got a ton of options
then just
"I'm a failure actually, I'm worthless, I'm lazy, this is all my fault actually, surely if I just pushed myself harder I could do it, I'm just in a rush to give up on hard things, I'm a loser"
then a gentle bounce back up

idk what to think really. idk what the answer is.
i feel kind of like im floating in the breeze, and that's why things are so weird. i've got nowhere to set my feet at. nothing to hold onto. nowhere to grasp.
i feel... weird, really. like im about to get smacked.
like im letting someone down.
like im a liar somehow.

feels weird. don't know what to think or how to make the badfeels stop.

 

....For some reason, seeing this quote on my dash on tumblr made me feel some kind of soft way. some peace of mind, maybe.

 

i find it kind of funny that soon as i make up my mind about the future and try to take the strain and stress off of myself
that i have a flareup and wind up kinda Useless in bed for a few days
sure is a test of my will lmfao
bc now im fighting my little demons face on while incapacitated
trying to remember that sometimes just existing is enough and is beautiful
that i dont owe anyone a certain amount of activity or productivity to be worth living
that's ableism plain and simple, and learned bullshit from capitalism
in an ideal world id just be doing what i was capable of and doing art, telling stories, making food
making things and little worlds for people who couldn't make their own
im an artisan at heart and my soul is my craft
but i dont have to be doing it 24/7 to deserve to exist in this world and its fucked that ive internalized that thats not the case

 

tried to look into housing for low income/disabled folks and almost had a meltdown
so many hoops
so much confusion
overwhelmed
just. too much shit, i didn't understand any of it and panicked.
closed out.
friend suggested i find an advocate, or a caseworker. another friend suggested finding someone through my gp.
i need to get a new gp at my office anyway bc old one is leaving again. need to establish care with someone, then see about getting a case worker who understands all this shit, and see if they can help me work the system in a way that works for me.
current short term goals:

• get license back
• save up money in Money Jar for down payment on a car eventually
• figure out what id need to do to obtain car
• go to gp and get care established again
• get case worker and meet with them
• figure out what things i qualify for and figure out how to apply for them
• bake this person cookies for doing their job for me because holy shit
• sign up for writing class and maybe art class in spring
• ?????????
• Be happy.

 

told my therapist about the new plans and new direction.
he praised my choices, said they sounded good, that i seemed relieved and relaxed, and that he'd been waiting for me to come to this sort of conclusion for a while gjfdljglfd
so. yay for learning my own limitations and yay for acceptance, its the word of the day.

 

ten hours of sleep
i crashed at 8:30 last night
cmon factory reset, papa needs to function

 

feel more functional than i have in several days. low stamina still, but i can sit up and walk a bit without shaking and shutting down immediately. made it through a grocery store and only died at the end.
got my stitches out today, too.
doodled a thing, gonna try'n finish something as well. work my way up.
i want to work on the novel thought i had too, draw out more strands. plan more things.
mc would have my disorder bc why tf not.
fantasy romance.
thief who works on an internal timer.

 

I'll never get to be the catboy like I want, but GOD that's the dream. to be the catboy and to have a wonderful orcwife. :Dreamy sigh:

 

havent had another big adrenaline dump, but i feel shaky and sick still. just. very unwell.
i ate and managed a nap but like
still feeling like this it didn't seem to make much difference
my sleep pattern is Fucked
i feel like i should try napping more but i feel like garbage
idk what to really do with myself
there's no point asking a doctor, mine's about to leave and he had no treatment ideas anyway
im just... existing i guess.
its terrifying.

 

made a dr appointment with my standard dr one more time before he leaves, since I can't make an appt with the new lady yet.
i was close to needing to go to the ER last night. decided it'd be worth it to see him.
we'll see what he has to say about the exhaustion, the fatigue, the Sick feeling, the adrenaline dumps. all'a that mess.
then new lady can take over with the chart and have a better updated idea of whats going on.

 

nightmares. ;w; nightmares all night.
first round was me being stalked/hunted by my rageaholic scary ass cousin
shaky ass dragged myself to the bathroom to pee, then came back to sleep more bc it was still too early
dad and grandpa get stabbed
and now its early muted palette morning and its similar to the dream and everythings overlapped and aaaaa.

 

ordered a burrito. went to go pick it up at the front door. stood still for a minute or two till the dude turned up. got back upstairs with my bounty, felt chest pain. checked pulse. 150bpm. :')
like. leisurely stroll down several stairs, standing still, then leisurely coming back upstairs with a burrito and I apparently ran a marathon.
I hate POTS so much lmfao.

 

ffs. went to the bathroom, it shot the fuck back up to 150 again.
i hate this.

 

i pinged my doctor, should hear from him tomorrow.
i just.
i hate this so much????
i fucking hate this
its terrifying
i hate it so much
i hate constantly having to lay down if i dont want my heart to hammer out of my fucking chest
i hate getting so sick when im upright doing things i need to do
or even want to do
i want to riot
i want to fight
i want to break things
but if i even get upset it'll shoot right the fuck back up, so :')
idek what to fucking do anymore, man.

 

found out why i was depression suddenly earlier and why i can't sleep now! Withdrawals! Stopped taking my oxycodone earlier after a few weeks of being on it from surgery 2 and BOI is it fucking me up. Thanks for keeping my pain down during, tho.