Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

It's always embarrassing yet a relief whenever you realize that a severe depressive downswing was just chemical - yesterday I was freaking out a little about how suddenly I'd veered into a nosedive emotionally, and then I looked out the window, put two and two together, and was forcibly reminded that one of my migraine prodrome symptoms is depressive swings. Which was a relief, bc that means it's intense but over relatively fast... But still, c'mon brain, why is this your response to changes?

 

i got mcdonalds earlier and the nuggets were juicy as shit compared to usual.
now i am Very Gastric Distress about it.
nobody liked that.

 

also the brain rot is growing
i am alternately becoming a bakudeku(+ochako sometimes!) gremlin
while also having INTENSE FUCKING FITS OF FEELINGS ABOUT SAILOR COSMOS, AND ABOUT KAKERU AND LUNA. AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

 

A WEEK OF THIS SHIT???? IVE GOT HALF THE LIST AND MY HEART'S FLUTTERING AS WE SPEAK.

 

My polyswap fic is finally getting some meat on it. I've done laundry. I'm packing for leaving for con tomorrow. I'm excited but scared bc this is gonna exhaust/hurt me and there's no way it won't.

BUT. I've got money this time and a new obsession to buy things for. I'm shopping for friends for gifts as well. I'm excited to see the artist alley and dealers room and the flea market and craft fair. i also just found my chair pad I'm bringing with me to sit on the floor easier with. gonna febreeze it and get kitty hair off it later.

i also hit 170bpm lugging my laundry upstairs and almost collapsed again. unpleasant.

 

160bpm in the store just walking
this weekend gonna be wild.

 

180 in the shower we have a winner

 

i hope the bnha fandom is ready for me to queer everyone's gender.

 

raging insomnia loop got me up after 4 hours of fitful sleep
partly bc withdrawals
partly bc caffeine before bed
and partly bc EXCITE FOR ROAD TRIP IN SEVERAL HOURS AAAAAAA
CON TOMORROW
BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE

down side is ive got chest pain lol

 

i am At the hotel

 

I DIDNT EVEN MAKE IT FROM THE HOTEL ROOM TO THE CON BADGE PICKUP AREA BEFORE ALMOST COLLAPSING. I EVEN STOPPED AND RESTED AT ONE POINT!!! AAAAAAA I HATE THIS BODY! STUPID MEAT SUIT!!!!

i did find some treasures at the con already tho, at the craft fair. but cmon man :sob:

 

up side, con ops was able to get me like. the worlds jankest wheelchair.

 

i am pleasantly buzzed and gonna eat dinner soon. im three drinks in and just spent a long time in a big hot tub with a bunch of weebs, flirted a bit, and we got invited to a villa party. fun times.

 

ma drybk niw
guirl roomei hepld my hand the whooles way to the droom
other eroomies got mw a bathbomb
bathr9omm light died
had a bath in the sserk
gots a necklace froi m t
pink mermadua
i levo uit

 

much more sober now and jfc.

 

so the drunk time was an interesting experience.
a bigass chocolate mudslide (raspberry is also good but i was feeling chocolate) and then a drink called a Red Dragon, in a hot tub. Along with, i believe, a jello shot from Master Roshi that i swatted out of the fucking air like a cat and split with a friend. (Dude turned up with an entire satchel and stroked his beard and kept throwing them to people who'd cheer and wave, while his boombox blasted dubstep).
Got overheated, so we all went to the lazy river ride and went around once. I stood up and everything shifted to the right and i went "Oh, no."
Girl roomie was v sweet. Her name was Britt. She held my hand and walked me to the room, and sent the guys to go find bath bombs at the hotel shop.
The bathroom light wasn't working for some reason when i went to use the tub, but i got to have a really hot soak in the dark with the door cracked, and a mermaid surprise bath bomb
i got a prize out of it, a necklace.
i think im gonna keep it forever, it was a very sweet memory. i felt very taken care of.

 

exciting. was scrolling twitter, and for some reason my laptop bluescreened and restarted. nice jolt of panic there. much adrenaline.

 

man. ... gender's confusing. like... with the earlier hiccup of pronouns, and my therapist was asking about my transition plans and more of my friends are transitioning and starting hormones and doing things and like.
...idk. i always said it's not something i was interested in but a vague voice in my head is like "Are you sure, or are you just saying that because right now you're so far from your initial goal of losing weight? Would you be more interested if you were skinny like you wanted to be?" and its putting thoughts in my head and i'm unsettled because i'm at the stage where I Really Have No Idea.
I'm used to having plans, of having fairly solid concepts. Ideas even. But with the concept of Self, of "Me", I'm just. grasping at straws. and it feels strange to realize that.

 

i mean, shit, i put a goatee on my dress wearing animal crossing character and have been "!!!!!" over it. but i also panicked after a few days and took it off them because it felt like i was doing something bad and i'd get in trouble?? which makes no sense.

i explained that to a friend and she said "Dragons don't guard random patches of soil" and that the panic might be more indicative than euphoria might have been.

 

..... actually jesus, have i ever been ok with the being called a girl thing? >:?c or was that just me being accepting of it bc i knew nobody'd ever peg me as anything else?