Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i slept a little bit earlier, but im still running on fumes. couldn't sleep longer even when i tried to. not sure why, just. Awake.
so I've been working on my manga shelf some more, organizing it all nice as i can so it's shiny and in order finally. its satisfying.
im gonna put in some orders and finally get the rest of Tsubasa Chronicle since i have nearly the full set now. i wanna get some Wotakoi and the two volumes of New Game! I'm missing too.
managed to finish short fic chapter. felt happy to bursting! and then!
nothing.
full crash. i'm trying not to cry.
i'm just so relieved i was able to write, and yet i picked the one fic that'll get next to no feedback or interest. it's laughable really, but... I can't help it. it's what sounded fun at the time.
i just need to remind myself im tired, so all my emotions are weird.

 

had to put my ankle brace on because my left ankle chose violence and was hurting like a bitch while i was lying still.
so there's that.

 

slowly cleaning bits of my room up. overheated and dead already, resting and hydrating, but there's another section of floor i can see and the blanket with holes is out of the room and in the garbage now.

 

i feel kind of pleased with myself overall though..? like...
took out a thing that's been bugging me for ages and some trash, put away a bunch of clothes, cleaned my bookshelf yesterday finally.
ive got MORE books to put away, and ordered some manga i was missing/wanted that'll turn up by next month. but at least its in order enough to be useful.
but i feel so sick, my dudes. my head's killing me, my right shoulder's rioting from the exercise, my joints are waking up and i keep shaking
but there's so much to do and i've barely even gotten anything really done-done. i can only work in short fits and bursts.
i hate being disabled, man. not only does society lowkey want me dead, but my body keeps trying to kill me too. :U

 

i managed to stream an entire piece of art earlier, from start to finish
my timer ran out during the inking
i wanted to finish
so i pushed through till the end
and boi am i still paying for it.

 

made a chunky manga purchase earlier in the week aaaaand..... just made another one oops lmfao. no more for me, naughty :slaps own hand:
in my defense tho its me finishing a quest of completing two different manga series ive been collecting for Literal Years, sooooo. :3c
i guess a lil bit of treating myself is okay.

 

god. damn it. kricket started acting stupid and digging things she shouldnt dig which is signal she deemed her box too dirty to use for whatever reason. so i get up, clean it, add some fresh litter. .... realize she just took a dump on the floor in the time it took me to clean the box. :') kitty. Why. Why this.

 

im a dumbshit, i had that huge ass episode earlier and still felt weird but was like "huh i should carry my three crates of soda upstairs ovo" and did it without even thinking and almost collapsed and now im sick as a fucking dog all over again.

i need to train my cat to spritz me with water as a fucking deterrent or grow a brain or SOMETHING

 

this is like the third night in a row of not being able to sleep at night and then crashing in the fucking morning after a few fruitless hours of tossing and turning and giving up. what the fuck gives. especially tonight, i kept feeling like my feet were in ice water, and nauseated, and just. really not well. i dont get it, i feel like shit all these hours later, is something wrong this time??? im about to be home alone for a few weeks so i need to fucking deal with it regardless, but like.

bruh. cmon. im already disabled, dont make me sleepless too.

 

canceled my tickets to go visit my family in august. health is just too poor. the walk through the airports and the 12 hour layover would land me in the hospital, which... isnt really how i want to spend my time while visiting family. aunt says she understands and she'll message me later, bc its super early where she's at. i feel sick as a dog still, im shaky, my heart's doing wild shit while im laying still. idk man im just... its scary.

 

cousin: don't cancel the tickets if they're nonrefundable

the fuck do you expect me to do, Heidi, crawl??
just
what the fuck
are you serious? what do you want from me?
besides its already done, and i've got credit for up to a year to improve my health somehow and visit attempt again so like.
idk what else she expects.

 

me: im not hooked on the internet, its fine
me when the wifi suddenly went out: intense panic attack bc i remember being without any human connection for weeks at a time while with nate

 

ive got someone visiting tomorrow. the house is a hellspawn site, and ive warned them as such. so they're expecting it.
but im cleaning my room as best as i can so there's at least that much safety and somewhere for them to sit and chill with me.
im dying, its so hard, but ive vacced the first third of my room and cleared things up more and sorted things. so. progress.

 

i cleaned most of my room, took out my trash after cleaning litter, and took a shower.
im physically exhausted, but i feel satisfied tbh
like
success
i was successful

 

late night sads, not sure why
all my friends are offline now too so i can't talk with them or distract myself
maybe i'll just go to bed soon to ride it out...

 

wilty as fuck today, but ive got a sink full of dishes soaking and a half bag of trash collected for taking out at some point.
this kitchen will be MINE eventually, gfdi, and im gonna keep it in an iron claw

 

my pulse didn't hit the 140s!!! it was only 125!!!!
i did an entire load of dishes without almost fainting!!!!
im drenched in sweat but like
PROGRESS
MY MEDS ARE DOING SOMETHING I CAN TRACK FOR ONCE
i just need a higher dose i guess!

 

second load washing now, first load put away, a few more pieces of trash picked up.
wilty took a back seat to "ow ow ow fuck ow" from the neck down
i'll do more work tomorrow

 

this state, it turns out, doesn't have lowered utilities or utility assistance programs for disabled folks like other states
which means if i get my own place i will be paying full price for everything including internet and car payments and will have Nothing Left to my name each money, if i can even afford it all
emergencies? savings? whomst, never heard of them. i'd be stepping purposefully into abject brokeness compared to how i am now.

so. im shifting the goal posts a bit.
i'm going to keep working towards getting my license and eventually getting my own car for freedom of movement.
savings will go towards general life improvement things. maybe a new laptop eventually.
travel, when i can get strong enough for it.
quality of life.

 

pulse is normal. pulse is just fine.
but hot flashes.
cold flashes.
nausea.
shaking.
weakness.
chest pain.
feeling my heart flutter.
all that is happening and im down for the fucking count, what gives.