Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

still happening
i am so pissed
idk what caused it, why its happening
the whims of this stupid fucking disorder are going to be the death of me i stg
if another doctor tells me "well, sometimes we just need to push through things uwu" i am going to fucking scream
this is no way to live
this is no way to function
its like having the flu, only constantly, every fucking day of your life
it comes in waves and leaves my body in the foam of the oceans crested fucking wave of bullshit pouring down on the shore of my eternity
and all i can do is be patient
twiddle my thumbs
and hope

 

..,,.push through things,

I swear these people don’t even listen to themselves talking sometimes. That is not how any of this works. Unless you’re like, a certified physical therapist who is actively supervising a client, has good expertise-based reasons to believe that doing something painful is beneficial, and is taking live feedback about the status of the pain, that really isn’t very helpful advice.

 

i managed to get a shower in. i feel nice and clean, im in clean dry clothes, and im recovering.
im hoping this'll maybe give me some spoons to draw later when ive cooled down and rested

 

executive dysfunction to boot
i feel like i cant Do anything
i WANT to talk with my friends and rp
but nobody is available to talk or rp with me bc they're busy and have been for quite a while now
ive got manga to read
ive got crunchyroll active
ive got netflix, youtube
ive got multiple social medias i can browse for anything i want to look at
everything is at a crawl and i can't focus
all i can feel is boredom and sadness

thought crashed through "hurt yourself"
trying to ignore that, but the fact that's where my brain is backing up towards is. not comforting.

 

i wound up chugging a cold breakfast drink and taking a nap after the brain freeze calmed me down somewhat
feel better, less tense

not sure what the fuck brought about those thoughts honestly, they got pretty fucking intense for a while there.
didn't act on them, am maintaining my on the wagon status still.
hopefully i'll sleep well tonight and like... tomorrow won't be anything remarkable.

 

"wow my beta blocker seems to be doing SOMETHING at least. I haven't gone over 130 in a few days."

:150 from washing one countertop and getting my laundry from the dryer:

"nevermind."

 

ordered pizza bc shaky and sick and nauseated and didnt want to try cooking. feel disgusted with myself but oh well, too late, did it already. used a coupon at least.
ordered a hundred bucks worth of books as well.
no longer shaky and sick from needing food, but everything else remains and im pissed about it.
i just want to feel better, man.

 

"Hey, any of you with my condition have any hints on how to deal with the brain fog + executive dysfunction combo? I've got all these things that I could do to entertain myself while trapped in bed, but I can't manage to start any of them and it's making me really sad and frustrated."

the only piece of advice i get: maybe that's a sign everything you mentioned is actually super boring to you and you need something new.

ma'am. ma'am that is not how this works. that is not how any of this works. wtf.

 

therapist said the Cant Start Things was... depression, actually. which makes sense. an alarming amount of sense. im surprised i didn't really make much sense of it myself till it was explained?
i was also told to try reading with like, nature sounds of some kind to try being able to focus easier.
but the constant need to be stimulated or i get upset is apparently depression, because i was getting super agitated from the not being able to do things
which meant no stimulation
which meant upset ryn

i managed to Do Things today tho!
i watched several episodes of BNHA and had a fucking BLAST, i wanna scream about this series so badly ;v;
then i ordered dinner from the chinese food place and ate about half before getting a bad reaction to the warmth + food so now im recovering while drinking cold soda lmfao i'll eat the rest later.

 

got woken up by my cat releasing a huge hairball unto the world... then immediately digging and taking a huge wet shit all over my fucking carpet. at 4:30am. im exhausted and Done.

 

okay so... im noticing pattern... when im actively doing things, my brain's busy and its fine. when im NOT actively doing something and being stimulated and distracted, my mode is back to Bluh and lowkey sad at the edges.
.... >:???? who gave u permission brain, you're on medication already, how long u been like that... do i need the dose adjusted AGAIN??? the stabilizer is working fine thankfully but cmon man it hasnt been that long, don't jack me around like this brain.
but then again im also having trouble Starting things, even entertaining myself, and with following through with things. which lines up with the depression suggestion from my psych. ....Mmm... guess its all linked after all.... unpleasant.

 

things to add to my list so i can start having a functional life again and maybe stop feeling so depressed the second i stop being stimulated. :squints: also im speedrunning i realized. i only got out of the hell school environment like a month and a half ago, i need to be nicer to myself.

• skin care
• set meal times, and going back to calorie counting
• set period of time to do stretches and exercise off and on however i feel up to that day. no set requirement for WHAT i do, so long as im moving and my muscles burn, even if i have to stay in bed for it.
• watch shows AND DO LIVEBLOGGING OR WRITEUPS FOR MY IMPRESSIONS OF THEM AGAIN. it'll feel a bit like homework i guess? but it'll make me think about what happened in the episode more intensely than just taking it in and going to the next thing or taking it in then having nothing left to do soon as it's done. cannot rely on having people to scream with or talk to, people are busy. need to entertain self and extrapolate things from it so there's enough stimulation.
• set time to write and or draw. i've been able to do both recently but it'd still do me good to have a set time to start 'work' by. it'd also make me schedule breaks of some kind instead of 'you can stop when you're done or about to piss yourself'.
• set time each week to do cleaning tasks like laundry, organizing books that are out of place, taking out my recycling and trash if needed, etc.
• set time to read. i dont care if its manga or a chapter book. forcibly carve out time to read while listening to nature sounds or lofi or something to increase focus.
• START JOURNALING AGAIN AND STOP LYING TO YOUR PSYCH ABOUT DOING THE EXERCISES YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN DOING FOR MONTHS, IT'S NOT HELPFUL TO YOU IF YOU WASTE THE OPPORTUNITIES BEING PRESENTED TO YOU YOU DUMBSHIT.
• make a point of leaving the house, not just to get groceries, once a week. maybe see if sz will go to the library with you or something. that'd be a good idea. go places when the bus comes back, too.
• invite friend over more in the future. make plans. be a better host, now that you know what to expect of having someone in your room after several years of no contact.
• keep better food in the house. i subsist off carbs rn and it's not healthy, but i also burn through the things i get that aren't carbs almost immediately. living out of food from the closet is not going to keep me alive or under calorie count very easily. need fruit and veg again.
• go shopping, get more pants that fit. keep the old ones for when you lose weight, but you need to stop feeling like garbage every time you have to wear real clothes and everyone deserves to wear clothes that fit. there are people way bigger than you looking way way cuter. time to ramp that shit up.
• do my nails once a week. or makeup. something. some kind of experimentation with my appearance, even if its just maintaining my eyebrows and plucking chin hairs. grooming is important.
• set time to play a game of some kind. i've got a ton of videogames and never play any of them because starting feels Bad. leisure time to just chill out and turn brain off important. doesn't have to be every day but once in a while per week i need to set aside time to just. do nothing tbh.

 

i think i might set up a lil liveblog thread in fan town when i get ready to do the thing. that way i don't swarm the general anime thread and don't clog stuff up. Can keep it all nice and contained, and if folks wanna interact with it there then cool. if not then it'll exist for my own records.

 

i ordered 6 doughnuts this morning and over the course of today i ate... all of them. :/ yikes @ me wtf.

 

just got a Pet Complaint from the management, lads. and it's 100% on my fucking roomie for not taking care of her litterboxes for a disgustingly long time till things got Terribad. And now there's next to nothing to be done because any steps i Could take on my own have been taken and everything else would need someone with a car, like being able to purchase a fan and stuff.

time to be Anxious and Scared and Full Of Rage.

 

im so angry my stomach hurts.

 

ordered lunch instead of cooking again.
frustrated.
angry still.
but not seething with tooth grinding rage anymore.
roommate still hasn't responded to me at all, so idk whats going on or what she thinks of the situation whatsoever.
she'll probably laugh it off or downplay it.
but right now im just.
im hurt.
im angry.
im sad.
im frustrated.
i want to break things, i want to be hugged, i want to not be living here with her anymore because i can't handle how bad the house gets.
but i have 0 other options so i'm stuck lmfao.

 

brain is SCREAMING
missed appointment with breathing doctor bc i forgot to cancel
was so excited about the mental breakthroughs and planning things just last night and this morning was taking steps
and then this happened
there's nobody to talk to
nobody to comfort me
im alone with this
again
and i hate it

 

calmed down. got lunch, ate some warm food, calmed down.
not shaking anymore, not panic screaming, no more rage.
just disappointed and kinda stressed out.
this doesn't make me suddenly not able to follow my new self made goals. if anything i need them even MORE now.
its just a hurdle, and life is full of hurdles and you have to jump them when they're thrown at you even when its not fair and even if you have to crawl over them.
we'll figure this out.