Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

brain trying to panic whiplash into "there's nowhere available to live in your budget in this city anymore, time to panic, ramp it up to ten"
trying to ignore it
its very quiet
i can't focus i can't think
just
need to breathe somehow
i wish she'd at least fucking reply to me, its been seven hours almost, and she's been online multiple times and never once replied.

 

cornered panic feeling and dont know what to do
scared
very scared
realized i can't ping her on the phone to check her messages
i can't call her mom if there's an emergency or anything because idk her moms number
i cant contact anyone
its exactly the same as when i was being threatened with eviction while nathan was Disappeared
and i hate this so much that ive experienced this feeling now with multiple people for reasons that weren't my own doing
i hate being at the mercy of others
and i hate being at the mercy of others even more when theres nothing i can fucking do about it
and when i cant contact them

 

was talked into taking an antianxiety pill
calmer now
still upset though, still no contact at all
i know she's with her family and probably having a ball something something or other but it still makes me feel very not well, being just... Stuck.
also rereading the email, the unspecified action taken against us is going to happen if they smell anything and then decide to do a walkthrough of OUR hellhole of an apartment which is what im scared of.
idk man.
today was not a good day.

 

ive literally been upset since noon
its 9pm
ive lost an entire day to being upset over this mess
an entire day of feeling miserable and full of rage, or miserable and terrified
i was so excited to start working on my new schedule plans
and instead i went into survival mode all over again out of necessity

 

GOT A REPLY
SOME KIND OF A PLAN IS MADE
I AM STILL PANICKED BUT YKNOW WHAT ILL TAKE IT

 

less panicked now. ac is off, kitchen window is open to air a bit. i'd open the living room window too but im paranoid and anxious to do that while home alone, im sorry world. at least kitchen is located in a place someone would have a hell of a time getting to at all.
did a victory lap around the entire house spraying copious air freshener.
no idea if it did much tho? like.. the damage is Done now, whatever smells remain there are there and i can't tell how bad the place smells still bc im desensitized to the apartment bg scents.

now tho its 11pm and feels like noon 2
it is time to unlock the secret extra daylight hours in the middle of the night to do things i couldn't do while being an anxiety mess

 

slept like the dead last night despite being paranoid someone was going to break in through the window and get me. (long ingrained fear, thanks mom)
still scared of whats gonna happen with the house but... ive literally done what i can. im gonna do the window thing again tonight, weather allowing. its all i can realistically do.
otherwise i just need to sit, and wait for my roomie to get home. it's out of my hands now.
no amount of panic and worry will do anything.
somehow that's.. relaxing. very soothing. the message was passed on, plan was made, and im not alone in my terror. roomie is not scared at all for some reason. so why should I be.
i guess... she processes as more of an adult than me, so when she's chill about something I find I'm chill about it too. because if the adult in the situation isnt scared then why should i be?

got up the nerve to take my weight earlier. 296... im not happy at all about that. i knew i'd gained again.
back on to calorie counting, then. back on to restricting safely till i stop getting cravings.
back to exercises when i can manage it so i can work back to getting on the bike.
im scared of it right now.
i get so symptomatic when i do things and its just.. scary. its uncomfortable to have your heart hammering that hard and to knowingly drench everything you're wearing in an instant.
it makes me feel bad and sad and upset on top of sick.
but i need to do it.

 

GUESS WHO SAID FUCK IT AND JUMPED ON THE BIKE FOR TEN MINUTES AND PEDALED LIKE A MAD BASTARD
ME
IT ME
I DID IT
I CONQUERED MY ANXIETY OF IT
IMMA DO IT AGAIN LATER TOO

 

It's weird. I don't know if it's just a seasonal thing, a sign the burnout is trying to lift, or what.
but i wish i was in school again.
sometimes at least. other times the mere thought makes me feel sick.
i just...
it felt nice to have a solid goal, something i was working towards. independence on the horizon.
im doubting myself again. scared i made a wrong decision about giving up on the future. on taking an extended break at all.
its still summer. its been only two months and im already wavering.
its so much work. its so much stress. there's so much to do if i go back.
everything screams at me from all sides.
i want to help people... but i don't even know if i can help myself, if i can physically do this shit.
if I'd be able to do anything with the degree physically.
if i can do any of this.
it's scary and i wish i had someone who knew better than me who could guide me through this but i'm kind of alone in it...

 

had zombie dreams all last night, despite getting up to pee at one point and being so rattled i was seeing things in the dark the first time.


given what ive been thinking about recently, yeah, makes sense lol

 

i went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at midnight ready and raring to go
and now im not in Big Sad territory but im definitely feeling some kind of way and have no idea why

 

had therapy
summoned courage and pinged roomie about the house and how upset i am, as calmly and easily as possible, while offering again whatever i can do and pointing out its unfair to us and the cats to live like this and how scared i am still
cleaned the other counter in the kitchen
i need to see if i can put away the dishes and clear the table too, but theres so much recycling that needs to go idk if it'll make a difference...

 

not sure whats going on
brain feels Speedy
very fast
twitchy
i slept 13 fucking hours combined last night and this morning
but i feel like there's trapped speed in my head racing in circles

 

good news!! night stabilizer seems to have kicked it in the teeth!
less twitch and less speedy thoughts now!

 

Spoiler: tmi nsfw

im cursed
whenever i try to rub one out my forearm muscle gives out and starts cramping immediately
some days its worse than others
sometimes i can't do jack shit
and it drives me i n s a n e bc i could be RIGHT THERE and then suddenly my body goes 'lol nvm' and stops giving clitoral stimulation as it is, i don't need my arm going 'lol nope' too!!

 

decided to grab the harry potter series. used, JKR isn't getting a cent from me this way. i haven't read it since the last book came out, i haven't even watched all the movies. they used to mean so much to me growing up and i've got fond memories of them transporting my ass away from my home for at least a little while. the fact that was taken away from me bc the author is a snake really makes me depressed honestly. there's a lot of problems in the series, yeah, but there's a hell of a lot of good too that i recall. i wanted to reexperience it and look at it with an adult eye.

so yay thrifted books that'll be here eventually, i'm taking back a bright spot and refusing to let anyone take the sandbox away from my little queer hands.

 

i've slept 7 hours in two days. idk what the fuck is going on, this needs to stop, i need more rest than this but i can't seem to conk out. ill dig out the nyquill if it keeps up, take the edge off.

i made coffee. i stood long enough for coffee. shakes, cold sweat drenched, ice cold feet, nausea, head and chest pounding.
mercy kill me pls.

 

i just... words cannot describe how much i hate POTS.
I hate it. H a t e.
i went grocery shopping last night and, after the fucking scare last time, decided "hey I'll use the wheelchair provided in Aldis to save some stamina."
mistake. it used just as much if not more stamina.
the chair was x x wide, and stiff, and powering it required a very wide stance that threw my shoulders out immediately. i managed the entire store on my own but i was near fucking tears.
i'm still sore and it hurts if i move wrong.
still no electric carts at kroger. they're just. gone. idk if they're ever coming back, either.
walked it.
usual dripping sweat and shaking and nausea.
was asked about my shirt by a guy at the pharmacy, who then proceeded to take in my appearance as a whole beyond the tshirt and said "yeah, it's too hot to be walking around like that, right?"
"....I have a medical condition, all my blood is in my legs right now and if I'm not careful I'll collapse. It sucks."
"Oh you need one of those thingies! The electric dealies, the carts."
" : ) "

 

made an appt for this friday at the clinic
idk what im hoping for
but im willing to try anything
i cant keep living like this

 

managed a nap so im not As dead on my feet. still feel very fragile, like symptoms will start up again soon as i stand once more. being careful, resting.