Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

apparently i am not gifted with magic when i take an xtra strength melatonin and last time was a fluke. i kept waking up, tossing and turning, and then woke up again the second kricket went on the floor to clean it up. =w=

 

just got the balls together to look at my grades from last semester and. Two B's and a C. ....???????????????????? How in the absolute FUCK did i do that.

i've got a 2.854 gpa

h o w i thought i bombed out?????? WHAT THE FUCK????

 

chest pain from exercise
it happens every time
but it still spooks me something awful

how am i this fucking fragile
and how am i fine on paper
and how do half the doctors i see just go "idk man, good luck"

why is this fucking condition so hard to treat its not fair

 

i laid down for a nap at 6pm and now its fucking midnight.... . . . . . ...

 

still exercising bit by bit. did 20 sit to stands. did arm exercise earlier. rested a few hours in between. absolutely fucking wiped jfc.

 

ok. just realized i can spin the sit to stands in a way that makes me feel better.
i'm not just standing up and dying.
i'm literally fighting gravity, my own circulation system, and my fucked up joints to propel 296lbs upwards and gently downwards repeatedly using only my legs
that's kind of metal

 

SCREAMS IN COLUMBUS HAVING ABSOLUTE SHIT IN THE WAYS OF DISABILITY ACCESS FOR ITS PUBLIC TRANSIT
SCREAMS AT COLUMBUS HAVING ABSOLUTE SHIT IN THE WAY OF SIDEWALK MAINTENANCE
S C R E A M S AND WORKS OUT MORE BECAUSE I'M REALIZING HOW MANY BARRIERS ARE GONNA BE IN MY WAY TO GETTING AROUND EVEN IF I DO GET THE NEW/BETTER CHAIR.

 

after finding out Why I've been feeling progressively sicker all week
and getting progressively sicker this very evening to the point of feeling lowkey anxious about it
and then after coughing at the peak of the scare and feeling something pop in my head then suddenly having a lot of clear fluid pour out my nose and down my throat for a lil while
i can now safely say i'm fucking idiot
a terrified fucking idiot who is grounded for several days to recover
jfc

 

wound up shaky and icky from sitting upright drawing too long with my legs bent. sweat and nausea and Bluh and shaking.
continued to get worse after getting up to use the bathroom and get a snack.
been laying back for an hour now, and i just
really wanna pop my damn legs off like a barbie doll so they'll stop causing me problems
all my blood pools to there. they hurt and ache. they're pains in the ass.
i'd miss them but thats why i wish they were barbie doll parts, i could just. pop'em off as needed.
:/// robo body When.

 

Probably unhelpful but mood, BIG fuckin mood. Hope you feel better soon.

 

bit all my nails off again
ughhhhhhhh
painting them doesn't help bc it chips STUPID FAST
they've grown long and pretty a few times but like
they're also fragile as shit, i suspect for the same reasons i'm bendy
they just
bend
and break
and rip so fucking easy
this time i nommed them bc i was stressed from feeling gross and already was (oops) chewing the dead skin around my fingernails
Naughty, Ryn, keep ur damn hands outta ur mouth

 

me: does arm exercises in the continuing quest to get Stronk, gets tired, lays back again to recover bc fatigue is a bitch

kricket, running from across the room: MOTHER IS OKAY??? MOTHER NEED SNUGGLES TO FEEL BETTER??? I PURR. I LICK. BATH TIME FOR MOTHER.

 

dishes: DONE
back: DEAD
floors: Not started yet

 

apparently my holter monitor is being delivered today! i saw a notice on the door saying ups missed me yesterday but i hadnt ordered anything and was very confused. turns out it was the monitor, oops. it's being re-delivered at some point. soooo. i'mma just... chill out and maybe like. wait on the rest of the cleaning till I get it and get it placed on me properly. y'know. so they have a front row seat to me dying from trying to gently clean my fucking floors like a normal human being.

 

new plan: i finished sweeping so the piles wouldn't be Sitting There, and imma mop Tomorrow.
all the leaning fucking killed me, man.

 

thought i'd started my period
turns out i was wrong, i just have Mystery Blood coming from somewhere
surprise!!

 

got the veggies cut and the curry on the stove before i crashed badly enough i had to come lay down
sweat dripping in my eyes, chest pain, nausea, shaking, the whole 9 yards.
all i can really do is hope the monitor caught everything and that it's on right. part of me wishes they'd just.. placed it on their own instead of me doing it.
fingers crossed.

 

recovered after a few hours of rest and the curry simmering slow and low with roomie stirring it occasionally.
just went down to add the curry packs. didn't need more seasoning than what extra i'd added earlier with the garam masala and the cinnamon and salt and pepper.
gonna slow simmer cook for another few hours while roomie works on a classwork thing and makes rice and the dishes wash.
looks and smells and tastes Delish tho, i'm excited.

 

loaded all the compost into the car myself and we took it. roomie did most of the dumping bc im not strong enough to lift the stuff and dispose of it.
it's finally gone.

fucked up in an artist server by accidentally giving criticism to someone
they don't allow criticism in any way shape or form and i forgot that
they'd posted a picture and it had the accidental illusion of someone's entire ass just being. gone. like. entirely gone.
someone else pointed it out, and then i agreed i'd been caught by surprise too.
mod pinged me and the other person in the channel to pointedly call us out and remind us of the rules.
and i guess it's just because of how fucked up i am today specifically
but i just
i broke down??
i panicked and deleted my comments and muted the server and started bawling hysterically for a little bit.
now everything's stuffy and nausea and headache and snot and u g h.
I'm too scared to apologize.
I'm too scared to post in there at all now, because I fucked up and the person I fucked up to was another mod + popular artist.
so i just??? i hope me deleting what i said and not talking anymore'll fix it somehow.
idk
I can't remember if I took my night meds either, which isn't helping anything
we'll see if i get sick as a dog and can't sleep tonight, for if i took them or not.

 

i just.....
i just realized that when i get scared of people being upset at me, what i'm scared of is physical harm.
like.
people upset at me on the internet? prepare to get punched in the face magically. put arms up, defensive curl.
people upset in the same room as me, but not AT me? was the same reaction.
nate screaming at a videogame and being aggressive in his own chair? flinch and cry and curl up in place more and more.
mother upset at me and screaming her head off? flinch and curl despite knowing she'd never laid a hand on me physically, she was all emotional and verbal.
i've never once been hit in my life by anyone. not my mom, not nathan. never gotten into a fight with anyone.
nobody's ever laid a hand on me, but what i assume will be the next step with aggression or upset of any kind in my direction is major bodily harm.
what the fuck @ my brain.

also managed an apology. it was robotic and stiff and im still panicked but i put on a nice face for the mod team so here's hoping i don't have a Permanent Black Mark of some kind on all future interactions like my anxiety says i now have.