Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

slept from 1:20am to 12:15
turns out i did forget my meds, took them and passed out finally after disruptions
passed tf out again at 1:30. woke up at 4:15.
i only now ate a meal.
i have no energy.
i feel like i can barely move.
i did
way too much yesterday

 

finally drank some coffee mixed with chocolate milk and i feel more human

 

i hope to god this fucking heart monitor is working bc i sure keep dying while wearing it doing normal human things

to the point the adhesive is Leaking from around the edges of the bandage from how much i sweat while symptomatic

everything is sticky and im miserable and sweaty and would like the two weeks to be up already so i can just be Normal miserable pls

 

i am VERY caffeinated today, holy shit, those Java Monsters do not fuck around. tasty too. damn.
<>w<> VERY alert.

 

wheelchair gets delivered on the 9th.
I'm.... scared.
I was told it's a 22 inch one because of my weight and height.
If it's one of those extra wide looking ones I'm not only going to feel humiliated but I'm going to have to work ten times as hard to get my arms to work and be strong because the Very Wide chairs throw my shoulders out immediately.
so im just... scared.
I don't want to be The Fatty In The Wheelchair even if I am.
I don't want to struggle even more to get around just in new and fun ways.
I don't want it to be identical to my other janky chairs.
..... I was excited at first, but now im just terrified honestly.

 

im blaming my period for making me this quick to be on the verge of tears over this, if the medical supply place says this is the safe chair to use i'll suck it up and use it till i can manage to actually lose some of this awful fucking weight but i won't be happy about it at all.

 

.... >:U ok im more hopeful now, its not much larger than a standard wheelchair based on my research, but bc its considered a Bariatric Chair the images i keep being shown are even Wider chairs than the measurement. motherfucker, let me be fat in peace without going to extremes as the generic image shown.

 

agitated. tense.
migraine.
body aching and overheated bc hot flash + roomies window was still open so any cold air we got last night was taken away by the time i realized. just now got ac back on so im cooling down.
none of my friends are online.
nobody is available to talk to.
i can't focus on work, i can't focus on writing.
i can't focus on language.
i can't focus on reading.
the last time i tried to play a game my computer crashed and the bios fried the battery a bit so im scared to do it again in case it crashes again lmfao.
i just.
idk what i want honestly. i just want to know i exist today i guess. it's weird, i've got friends in so many time zones, there's usually at least One person around to talk to... i'm not used to total radio silence, it makes me anxious. :c

 

i am considering the merits of biting strangers like a feral chihuahua to cope
i can feel the bones in my face aching as bad as my temples and jawbones
i am getting no relief and im stressed
and i can't nap away the stress because im hyperalert and in pain
mother
fucker

 

went to bed early with the tail end of that migraine
woke up ten hours later to a major adrenaline dump and shaking
pulse was 90 when i was finally able to find my pulseox to check it which means it was higher initially
legs ice fucking cold, sweating, chest pain chaser

idk why, man, it sucks. :/

 

g o d pls let this stupid sensor be catching everything, it's so itchy

 

late last night I pinged that nice church I found locally. They're still doing their live streams, and they still have the nice seeming pastor lady at the helm, and I found myself interested again... but still very afraid of religion as a whole. So I did what I probably should have done before: I asked a question of the pastor herself, someone trained and studied in religion, what someone in my position should do about the curiosity and interest mingling with the intense fear and anxiety.

Therapy did a lot for me, it gave me many tools
but it didn't really approach this question at all.
So... who better to ask than someone whose literal job it is to discuss these things.

That said they're a v v chill group of folks, do a lot in the community and to help the local folks, are openly blatantly in support of lgbt folks, support the homeless, support blm and protestors, etc etc etc. They strike me as very genuinely nice people, not performative christians. I'm not making any huge moves or turns or anything, and even if I pursue this it'll still be in the frame of my own spirituality as a whole with the world and all the influences I've taken in from different world views and teachings. But there's a link to my own family there, a link I don't have in any other way shape or form, that would connect me to past generations that I want to explore.

I want a framework to customize. And this seems like something stable to build off of.

 

bible tabs turned up in the mail, got'em on the book. feels more lived in and comfortable now, more used and less like a library book now, even if I put'em on a lil messy instead of Perfectly Up And Down The Pages. did my best and its got that nice soft look now. enjoy it.

packages came. I now own shorts that fit, more cute socks, a letter opener, a nice neutral case for my stationery to go into, donning gloves for my thigh high compression stockings. I've got more Italian books and charts. Got a nice day/night meds holder so I never forget night meds again. I also got a Blue Sky planner, to mark down daily shit I want to do/plan to do/complete that I can reference even if I don't journal. Should help with the making time feel more solid thing, and help with the making habits thing.

new wheelchair arrived as well. it a STURDY lookin' bitch. fingers crossed it works out and can like. get in the car lol. I'm excited to try it out when its not hot as satans asscrack out there. seriously i was stood in the heat for 15 mins while the dude wrestled with an ipad for the delivery, i about fucking died.

 

also this rash around this fucking monitor is making me lose my goddamned mind IT ITCHES SO FUCKING MUCH

 

itch too distracting. friend talked me into contacting my gp about it to see if she's got advice.
Hhhhhh pls let there be advice, this bitch Itches.

 

i really need to figure out a battle plan for keeping myself occupied and entertained when my friends are indisposed
because for some reason it just
it feels like the world stops being real when i stop being able to interact with people
so im just stuck in this anxious refreshing loop trying to find stimuli and not finding it
its distressing

 

i always feel sad after i have a dream with my mom in it
i feel melancholy for hours even if im not directly thinking about it
because in my dreams she's always considerate and sweet and lovely to be around
and in reality the last several years, to majority of the time, she was a misery to be around for various reasons
towards the end it was just straight up terrible abuse because she had nobody else to strike out at but me
but in my dreams she's the perfect mom i never had
and i feel cheated

 

me: i want to explore united methodism a bit bc of familial roots to get a framework
also me: :still feels a huge pull to witchy shit:

fuck me this is confusing as hell. 8l can like. can i just do both????

 

There are definitely people who do both! You can look up both "Christian witchcraft" and "christopagan" as terms for some ideas, although there's as many different ways to syncretize a modern Christian sect with some witch/pagan tradition as there are people. I spent a lot of time blending Catholicism and a developing Irish paganism so I can only really talk about that specific blend with experience, but I'm happy to answer questions if I can!

 

that's really good to know, honestly. i'm still in the process of like... realizing just how severely my c-ptsd has impacted my ability to trust and believe in anything and anyone. I'll def do some more research into things and keep expanding my thoughts as I go and experiment.

It's also putting me in an awkward spot bc I realized I have literally 0 friends I can talk to about this gjkfld my closest friends are Very Much Not Into Religion Talk at all, so I don't like.. have anywhere or anyone I can talk to about this stuff aside from in here. Which makes it awkward for the whole trusting thing, it feels like I'm keeping a secret which is uncomfy. :/