Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

i see her in a few hours now and im nervous
im probably gonna melt into a chair as planned because its hot out and ill be traveling by bus and that'll kill me on its own
i have a list of questions written out or her
i have my symptom log
i have determination
but im scared
im so scared
ive seen my mother get ravaged by the medical system, get treated as a drug seeker, as a liar, as a hypochondriac
and im scared thats what ill be seen as
despite there being plausible cause for my questions and concerns
despite there being explanations and reasoning
despite my fears having a strong source and logic being on my side
im scared
im also scared that ill go through all of this and still be seen as fine
that whatever tests they might do will show nothing
that im just one of the unlucky ones with POTS who doesnt improve
who gets worse
i want to live a life not just survive and struggle, and i feel like there's something more at hand right now
its just a matter of catching it and doing something

 

i was such a mess when i got there that they did an ekg on me just to be safe
it was normal, as expected.
she was also concerned about me getting home on my own and verified i had my phone with me and stuff in case something went wrong, which was touching.
i stop beta blocker tonight. start calcium channel blocker instead. referral to check for sleep apnea. referral to electric heart guy.
idk what to expect really. but i see her back in october to see how things are going.
she's not just shuffling me to the side. she's seeing all this active and is concerned. it's a world of difference.

 

new doc: hey, i was doing pots research and. yknow that psych med you've been on for two years? yeaaaah thats been shown to worsen pots. so. pinged your psych so you can discuss changing it when you see him this month.

TWO YEARS
TWO
YEARS
TWO YEARS AND NOBODY MENTIONED A DAMN THING
BUT ONE DAY AFTER TURNING UP HALF DEAD IN HER OFFICE SHE DISCOVERED THAT
MY OLD DOC WOULD NEVER

 

sleep apnea doc: scheduled
heart electrician: not scheduled. am supposed to meet with general cardiologist for a workup and exam and if he thinks i need to see one he'll do the transfer, but if he thinks its just Severe POTS then he'll send me to the Cleveland Clinic for a workup in their Syncope clinic bc they don't have the ability to help here.

 

184bpm making curry. died. fingernails were purple.
laid down. got back to about 85bpm within an hour and change.
got up to put the curry roux in, peed, felt Off, checked pulse again
160bpm
surprised pikachu face

we are now in the headache portion of the day

 

i remembered there's a backup, if the meds don't work and I can't get any help from the specialists
it's a backup, and its kinda scary
but it's an option

the option is getting a port installed and doing IV therapy at home with normal IV base saline.
apparently it can be life changing for people who are resistant to the drugs and stuff.
and it's an option to explore. to keep in mind.
i hope i don't need it, but if i do: i think i can handle that.

 

my pulse is stuck at 100bpm and not going down
its been a few hours now
my head's killing me

 

Been at the er since midnight it's half past 8 now.....

 

TheMockingCrows: 19 hours grand total
TheMockingCrows: 8 hours to be seen
TheMockingCrows: 6 fighting my heart for a single test
TheMockingCrows: the rest spent doing other tests and busywork and waiting
TheMockingCrows: 12 vials of lopressor shaken off like water, a big dose of metraprolol, a big dose of vibridazine, a nitroglycerin pill, 2 saline solution bags, 24 flushes... and a partridge in a pear tree.

tldr: my heart was bouncing around at 100-120 laying down hours later and i was having chest pain, so i went in. it sucked tbh. but i got checked out.
spent a lot of time waiting around and just getting treated for the initial fast heart rate. then cardiologists saw me and said they wanted a CT scan of my heart, but i needed a pulse of between 50 and 60 to get it. took a fuckton of meds and several hours to get it low enough for the test, after which i was slapped on the ass and sent home. bought and chugged an ice cold bottle of coke in the waiting room till my ride got there because it was good to be alive and i needed the sugar. badly. i hadn't eaten or drank in 19 hours.

i also checked my lab results and jesus i was a fucking mess. ketones in my urine, all my blood cells spiked weirdly, all my shit out of proper ranges. Red flags and Abnormal marks everywhere. I assume all the saline solution I'm plenty hydrated by now. I've already peed to death and just got greeted by the IBS fairy for my troubles, I'm good for the night. No energy to shower, but I changed clothes so no more hospital smell. Kricket is thrilled to have me back, she only threw up twice in protest and didn't ruin anything with it bc they were small spots bless her tiny butt.

time to. be a weird medical marvel i guess? the nurse giving me the vial after vial of lopressor had to keep asking the doc for reassurance that things were okay because i not only wasn't responding but was walking it off with 0 effects positive OR negative. It was like she wasn't giving me anything.

 

i was able to make coffee and a bagel earlier without dying immediately. i wasn't shaking standing still. i wasn't near collapse. I sweat a bit and shook a tiny bit near the end and felt my heart rate picked up, but it wasn't going as insane as usual. my feet are still warm. i recovered faster while laying down.

if this is the power of IV therapy, i see why POTSies get ports installed.

 

new heart med: started. here's hoping it takes the edge off.

 

finally managed a hot shower, got rid of ALL the hospital residue finally. feel like a new person =v=

 

another day of sleeping almost 11 hours?? not groggy upon waking though, nice and alert. I guess i needed it? like... im not even waking up repeatedly in the middle of the night aside from maybe a bathroom trip or from the need to roll over sometimes. im not laying there trying to fall back asleep i just konk out. no hot flashes. no cold sweats. no random heart hammering at night or at rest.

 

hammering heart and chest pressure while making my drink and getting a snack.
resting now.
it was nice being human while it lasted.

 

mood drop
can't tell if it's period coming or just disappointment from feeling ick again so fast
need to ping my doc to tell her i was in the ER as a followup, since they already contacted her too
see if i need to come in or not
...maybe its both things. maybe period coming AND just disappointed
idk
medical shits exhausting to deal with and after how long i was in the fucking ER feeling the world go by me every time they shoved something into my IV line hoping it'd lower that heart rate
i just
....
i wish i knew for sure that the POTS was the only thing, and then how to fix it
i wish there was a cure for this, but there isn't one
i wish i had my parents, or a family to fall back on when i felt like this. i need someone to hug me better

 

sad again
can't think can't focus can't Do Things
can't start
can't finish
can't sleep
can't stand being awake
everything feels like Forever again, in the worst way
periods probably coming but of course idk when, i never keep track of it, it just comes whenever it comes and i deal with it when it gets here
idek if it missed one or not
no clue

 

started playing 7 days to die again not long after that last post there
and i didn't stop till fuckin' midnight
discovery: POTS is still active even while laying down playing videogames. I'm all sweaty and gross. Not drenched thank god but Moist:tm: and its unpleasant.
i guess bc my heart rate would go up while i was hyperfocused in the zone?
i remembered my night meds, i did Some fluids
i didn't move enough though
arms and legs feel funny, fingers are a lil swollen
im blinking more and moving more and the awkward tension seems to be dying down finally
but damn, man
even while laying down.....
lame. :/

 

oh, thats another reason why sweaty apparently: period started.
right on time you awful bitch.

 

oh NO my roomie is sick
she's had a sinus migraine for going on 5 hours that's not lessening even with meds and laying in the dark with her eyes closed
and she's congested
and there's no way to really quarantine ourselves at all from each other
i dont wanna get sick D: ive got enough fucking problems going on rn

 

just realized im gonna have to walk almost a half mile from the bus stop to get to the heart hospital for my appointment in a few days. imma be in full blown symptoms from that. :U i mean...
i guess in a way that's good? where better to die and show symptoms, right
but at the same time like, M an
this is gonna suck lmfao