Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

also gave myself an anxiety attack at 1:30 in the fucking morning because of discord server drama. friend is an admin and has final say. two folks who are constant shit stirrers in one way or another flipped their shit about, of all people: Gwen Stacy being in the Jack O Meme pose that everyone's doing (she's in college in the comics and even if she wasnt ITS A FUCKING MEME)..... and Midna. :U

 

you ever have the kinkiest most self indulgent fucking dream ever and realize you HAVE to make shit for it to make it a reality as a thank you for the world gifting you with it????

yeah.

i might be writing something with a stupid number of short chapters that's 100% smut because the universe woke me with intense tachycardia and hormones. thanks universe! i'll use the inspiration.

heads up, it's Alpha-Beta soup style. <3

 

Spoiler: fic planning

Summer at a rented cabin, alpha-beta soup. There’s a pool. There’s enough rooms for everyone to only have to share with one person. The down side/risk is that it’s near-ish hiking trails so people might see, but who cares.

Girls and boys split up the rooms. Assumed poly interest/some kind of beginning relationships at work.


First sex was rose and dave though, in the pool.

Second was jake and dirk.

Then roxy and jane.

Then jade and rose.

John and dave in the bathroom/shower.

Roxy and dirk while jane and jake are in the same room fooling around also.

Jade and john on the deck trying to not get caught by anyone.

Rose and roxy in the living room late at night.

Dave and dirk in the kitchen.

John and rose

Dirk and John right afterwards with Rose watching

Roxy and dave in the living room early morning

Jake and jade by the pool in the afternoon heat while jane and john are in the pool

Rose and dirk with roxy (strap)

Dave jake post rough housing

Jane jade post mutual grooming?

John and roxy and Jake

Jade Dave trying not to get caught by John

Rose jane with jake

Dirk and jane with John and Rose

Everyone sharing at the poolside before having to go home, end with cuddle puddle in living room.

 

tachy is continuing. i keep bouncing between 80 and 100. I'm shaky and sweaty and am trying not to panic while drinking fluids.

 

Man, the universe is paying me back for the extravagant sexy dream I was given. That severe tachycardia episode lasted several hours after waking and I was so drained that I crashed at 7:30pm. ....I didn't wake up till past 9am. And all I dreamed about was murder, escaping a murderer, being near people on public transit who were being murdered, and then being on public transit still desperately trying to figure out how to not get murderered.

I feel so wrung out, god.

 

realized i was missing several ships on that initial ship list for the smut fic. i've since rectified it.

 

resting heart rate is chilling at about 100bpm for the third day in a row.
idk why.
i feel... ok? kinda fluttery? and my timer is shorter than usual when im upright.
idk. keepin' chill as I can but its sure being a lil bitch about it.

 

184 in the shower, about fucking died
and thats with the water not being too hot and with a lukewarm/almost cold finishing rinse off cycle
got down to 100ish again once i laid down and started sipping fluids.
i see the cardiologist tomorrow.
i hope i get answers, or referrals, or both.

 

clinic visit went well!!
cardiologist gave my heart the all clear, verified it's just Severe POTS.
I'm to contact the Cleveland Clinic for an appointment, then figure out how tf to GET there.
I'm supposed to start doing special exercises.
He doubled my calcium channel blocker.
....and I've been told im not enough of a salty bitch, i have to start taking salt tabs :P

 

also i broke 300 pounds and lowkey wanna die lol

BUT
i had an adventure getting home
my roomie drove me bc she was working from home today
but she got HELLA sick when she got home, and couldn't come get me
cab would've taken 3 hours bc overbooked
so i caught the bus after a bit of walking and went on two lines i've never been on before

 

oh boi here we go
hot flashes like whoa
throat feels funny
head feels funny
body feels like its made of bricks

 

on one hand im getting some fic written
on the other its been literal fucking months of not being able to start shit
like
italian practice? 0
anime watched despite paying for a subscription and having a log of shit i wanna watch and ample free time and interest? 0
manga read despite a chunk of new shit i specifically bought bc i was interested in reading it? 0
books read despite purchasing them and knowing i liked them when i read them years ago? 0

like. idk how to make myself do anything. idk how to START shit or how to get myself to start shit. its weird. i thought it was just depression but this feels like something more.
a friend said it might be the stress of all the health shit going on, that my mind is taking time to process it and it's overwhelming me so my brain keeps saying 'no there's not enough time' and steering me towards quick serotonin boosts instead of letting me deep dive into things that comfort me.
because these are my favorite escapism things
reading, writing, drawing, videogames, studying
those are all windows out for me
but i cant seem to access them
so im terrifyingly present at all times and on high alert for a situation that isn't changing
and idk what to do to fix that.

100% accepting advice.

 

scratch that, ive got a working theory now.
its the C-PTSD. it's being constantly activated by me being sick all the damn time.
I'VE GOT MEDICAL TRAUMA AND IT KEEPS BEING ACTIVATED BC I'M STILL ACTIVELY SICK AND FLOUNDERING BETWEEN HOPE AND NO HOPE.
I'M IN A CONSTANT FUGE OF C-PTSD. IT MATCHES. GOD.

now how to get it to fucking STOP, cmon, therapy prepared me for this, how do i fix this

 

contacted my therapist. gonna call in the big guns and get professional help with this realization lol.
I see him tomorrow.
suck on THAT trauma response
I CAN ASK FOR HELP NOW
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

mood drop. handling it best i can.
i think i even know what brought it on.
went to watch anime bc i finished writing for the day and nothing was on youtube and brain won't let me pick anything
just sat there scrolling for ten minutes.
i want to watch bnha.
i want to READ bnha.
i have the books right here.
i have the show at my fingertips.
can't.
frustrated and wanna cry.
head hurts.

 

therapy went well.
gonna start using the Thought Stop technique for obsessive thoughts.
apparently the dbt worked really well because I was able to recognize the issue and reach out about it and understand majority of what was happening.
but we goin cbt for the process of correcting it.
im gonna stick to it and try to start tonight so i can fucking start enjoying things again gdi.

 

mood's dropped low again for some reason.
swept in, swept away the happy relaxed feeling and now i just have a headache and feel sad.
i took a shower but it wiped me out.
i drew earlier
i wrote
but i just... feel like ass.
i got curious and decided to look on youtube to see what all was on offer for dysautonomia. there were long speeches from doctors, and some vlogs, and half the vlogs are ridiculous and occasionally interspersed with everyones favorite type of HEALED BY FAITH/VEGAN DIET/MAGICAL THING THAT WILL ONLY COST YOU $99.99 A MONTH bullshit.
feeling very alone with this and idk how to cope.
i know cbt taught me the ways, i know how to not obsess
but how do i just cope with feeling like my entire life is gone?

 

feel better today.
went to bed really early, woke up early, then had a nap.
I'm working on writing now, some Rose/Jade for that big smut fic project.
I think I'm gonna make myself watch some anime later on, as a reward.
That or play some zombie game.
Maybe both if I'm feeling spicy.

 

i only managed three sfw bnha pieces and now im devolving into porn lmfao

 

i got my flu shot after dying at the grocery store yesterday before doing my checkout
today i've got a bruise and a sore as fuck arm
and i am being SUCH a pissbaby about it