Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

holy shit
psych med withdrawal symptoms bc of the lowered psych med dose
fuck me this is misery

 

pots symptoms going ham
throbbing head
hot flashes
pain in arm from injection
withdrawals symptoms and tingles and discomfort
i cant think
i cant do anything
im kind of panicking and none of my friends are online so im just
sat here breathing careful as i can

 

5 months is how long daily exercise regiment would take to show any improvements, if im lucky
ive tried in the past and given up because chronic fatigue and pain kicked my ass in
im trying again bc doctor wanted it
today ive done 3 sets of bridges and 3 sets of forward leg lifts, all while laying down
and im dead
much pain
much exhausted
much pots symptoms

 

had very interesting dreams where my ex was a vampire and we were surviving through the ages together. he was interesting. i liked him.
hate that i liked him. :U
he was more attractive in my dream than in reality too lmfao the last few years he was lookin' like a foot and he just got worse after i was gone and not telling him to keep up with hygiene.
dreams like that should be illegal.
in other news: i also woke up to my period. dark old blood.
I ALREADY HAD MY PERIOD THIS MONTH, WTF BODY.

 

almost collapsed on the stairs
i was emptying the dishwasher for my roomie, bc she did the dishes and asked me to clear it for her
started yawning compulsively, couldn't stop. over and over. didn't remember what it meant.
went to go up the stairs to my room, started to black out, leaned forward and sped up instead so i could lay down

fucking pots

 

sick as a dog. was ick last night, ick today. i can't stop sleeping.
head feels funny and hurts, body hurts, nauseated since i ate.
cardiologist took me off the med, called in the one insurance fights over. we'll see if i can get it and if it helps.
body pain and cold and hot flashes still.
period still going.
cant function.

 

did too much drawing yesterday, arms are upset with me.
also had to reschedule an appointment with integrative medicine doc bc i realized i just. mentally couldn't handle it.
i feel like such a little bitch, but like???
i dont want to sit for an hour with another unfamiliar doctor and get potentially poked and prodded at more with no promise of payoff.
i feel all spread out and stretched very thin for some reason.
i feel fragile.
it's rescheduled for december now though, so time to mentally prepare myself.

 

this fic is four days old where the fuck are they coming from, i havent written in a very active fandom in a g e s

 

didnt sleep last night. i was writing and focused on that, and then started Dwelling on marriage and just.
next thing i knew it was 7am and i felt sick.
i talked to someone about the assault. but mostly i was ruminating on what my psych had said.
that i shouldn't be angry with myself for purposefully ignoring the red flags through the years, or for going along with his bullshit at the end.
i was in an abusive marriage and was unable to flee safely. i had nowhere to go, no safety net, and the unknown was infinitely more scary than just. coping with familiar bullshit.
till i reached my breaking point.
and i could only really reach that breaking point when i was... given somewhere safe to stay, with a friend, till i could get back on my feet.
it makes me nauseated to know that if i wasn't here, i'd have probably stayed with him or taken him back because i would've been homeless and terrified without a cent to my name otherwise.
and that just. makes me so upset.
it also makes me upset that i realized the assault happened, then all intimacy, even hugs, stopped unless i initiated and or asked for them directly from him. for two years.
when they started up again it was when the other woman had kicked him out and he was going on about starting a family and getting a house somehow, trying to get into my pants, acting flirty, hugging onto me, being cuddly.
two years of nothing, then that.
direct pipeline from assault, absolute negative affection and attention my direction, to him acting like that because that's how he'd been with the other woman.
which brings up all kinds of insecurities and upset but i dont have to spoons to dig into that right now.
my friend keeps going on about how proud she is of all the progress i've made, and how strong i am, and how much i've gotten through somehow.
and i appreciate she thinks im strong. im just going forward bc theres no alternative routes behind me.
im also just very tired and forward holds the potential for rest.
im so tired of this. im tired of constantly feeling things because of him, im tired of losing sleep, im tired of anxiety and ptsd and im tired of having dreams about him.
im tired of all of it.
i would like to pull those ten years out of my brain, or tamper them down into a nice repressed memory instead.
at least i know how to handle those.

 

ten years of him.
eleven and a half if you count the dating when we were still kids.
im on year three of being apart from him, as of the first of this month, and im still haunted.
how long am i gonna be haunted.

 

roomie left town.
anxiety spike bc of being alone.
stopped working on fic to draw some today, finished drawing to relax, and bc i wasnt focused on anything my brain went haywire again.
dove into doujins for that good good zoning out tho, which seems to have stopped the worst of shit, but like.
man.
this whole. thing. of needing to be busy and getting attention at all times or i feel like i want to kill myself is uh
not sustainable
like
at all
idk what to do about that tbh.

 

got hit with severe gender envy so i just
channeled that frustration into exercise.
dual front leg lifts, modified crunches, individual front leg lifts, and arm weights, all while laying flat on my back.
abdomen and thighs are killing me. arms are very weak.
i've done all of these twice today, for as many reps as i could stand, but aiming for 30 apiece.
if i can just keep making myself do these. if i can lose weight. then i can get top surgery and get at least a little closer to what i want.
i'll never be able to look how i want entirely because of all the loose skin i'll have from having been this fat.
but i'll be closer to being happy.

 

managed a shower
and now im in rumination hell bc like
im realizing every time i ever get gender envy its from dudes, or people presenting as androgynous at most.
the strongest envy is from guys. never femme folks.
am i as fluid as i thought i was? or was i fluid and just... changed over time?
i feel like the most accurate descriptor is Dude With GNC Lean but like, does that even make sense to anyone but me???
at least Genderqueer/queer always has my back, it covers everything i'm feeling like a safe blanket

 

That makes sense to me as I also ID as a GNC Dude. Thought I was non binary for a time but lol nope just Man who wants to wear makeup and pretty things sometimes. But also I'm aware that it doesn't matter hugely (to me) as practically speaking, it has the same overall effect as ID-ing gender-fluid or NB.

 

did exercises soon as i woke up. very sore. muscles very tired.
friends are all offline and nothing interesting is on youtube, so im playing music and trying to struggle through this fic chapter. the spirit of focus left me, so it's a slog. like pulling teeth to write this chapter, and i hate it.
thinking of getting my hair chopped monday after therapy.

 

I'm usually agender, but I've never felt more gender euphoria than when my gender does occasionally, briefly settle on dude and I can wear a lot of very feminine things and fucking bask. So yeah, obviously my gender isn't the same as yours, but what you're saying makes sense to me.

 

my ideal is still very much "dude in a dress". whenever i think of feminine things wrt myself it's never for the sake of looking womanly, or feeling feminine. it's just... idk. it feels like im doing something special and risky when i wear makeup or make myself look femme, instead of 'oh the afab person put on makeup' gender performance.

 

vibe is... i think... im gonna give myself one more semester off, to think. continue with the quality of life plan first and foremost, and see if im ready to throw myself back into the churning gears in autumn. see if it'll be good for me, or if I just don't have the spoons to keep up with it at this time.

 

was up all night bc of medicine fuckup
drew all night
sweaty and shaky and weirdly cold this morning, exhausted, laid down to nap
couldnt sleep
couldnt get comfortable
couldnt stop being hot and cold at the same time
gave up
drew more
am now still sweaty and shaky and hotcold and uncomfortable and not happy
ive now ordered mcdonalds as comfort food and am gonna eat that and pray food coma hits or the salt helps or something

 

im. ....hm. okay i am. mildly more concerned about the symptoms than i was. it was brought to my attention that it sounds like lowgrade serotonin syndrome. which. would match given the high doses so close together. and that ive not slept in the past and not had this particular reaction before.

should resolve within 24-72 hours.

keeping an eye out for more severe symptoms.