Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

sweet. doc doesnt think it was full blown serotonin syndrome, just my body reacting to a shitload of it at once. i resume meds as usual and monitor symptoms.

 

vibe is i just had the most vivid dream about finding a lost lover through reincarnations that i woke up sobbing.

i literally just feel empty and miserable right now, jesus christ.

 

that dream, man. it was so intense. i went from being with the love of my life to hearing them say that they wouldn't know my face, or my smile, or my anything, but that they'd find me piece by piece. i promised to send them rings through time. i was sobbing off and on for a few hours, and still feel pretty weird.

 

having that issue again where if im alone with my own thoughts i want to die so i just have to keep making things at all times and when im not able to i want to die and feel worthless on top of it
im medicated
i've done so much therapy
why does this keep happening
why???
why does my brain go "ok im happy" when im pushing myself at all times, but the second i try to relax or need to be on my own for a while without a project of some kind i self destruct and spiral?
this isn't normal
this isn't healthy
but i legit cannot figure out how to stop it

 

friend: .....isn't that just. really strong uncontrolled anxiety, though?
me: ..... :O

 

i managed to go get my hair cut earlier. sweat myself to death and about died on my way home but i got it done.
she cut it shorter than i wanted, it's very very short butch/masc and has no bangs anymore, but. eh.
i'll just grow it out i guess, i'm not too bothered by it.

 

had to shower the hair snips off. also took two long naps and ive recovered lol
still feel kinda meh about hair but better short than too long tbh
also my oversized bakugou hoodie came in and its the comfiest thing Ever and i dont wanna take it off lol

 

me all day: :distracting self:
me all afternoon: distracting self
me come almost 5pm: hey im out of distractions can we read manga now? i've got the google doc ready for notes so i can make it engaging and interesting instead of just plowing through and not remembering as much of it so it's double enrichment

my garbage piece of shit brain: :hammers the panic attack button at the very idea:

 

why am i like this. if im writing or drawing i'm fine for the most part. i have to be engaged in creating something to be calm.
the second i'm not its anxiety time. if i play a videogame it stops, but it's hard to start games anymore too without panicking.
i can watch youtube if its certain things, but if its not certain things i have to listen while creating something or else i will panic and implode.
i can watch anime once in a blue moon, easier if it's with someone else. but i panic.
i panic at reading.
i panic at watching things.
i panic at everything.
when did i get like this????
i took an anxiety tablet and im going to keep trying to make myself do this fucking thing because once i start i know i'll like it.
it's just starting is like pulling teeth.

 

is.
...hm.
is this??? linked to school???
i just thought like
i had trouble starting things before bc i was distracted and didn't have the brain to start new media reliably bc my attention span was shit
but now i panic at starting things and do everything in my power to avoid new media for some ungodly reason unless it falls in specific parameters for my brain.
im panicking at wanting to read a manga i desperately want to read.
there is nothing to panic about.
and yet.
i realized
its the same sensation i had when i was in school this last semester.
i stopped doing non-essential things because i was terrified i'd fall behind. non-essential things were timewasters, and it took all my time and energy to keep up with shit and even then i was struggling to keep on top of it.
essential things were the same types of media im ok with now. it was ok to draw and write. those were productive in their own way.
non-essential things were manga, movies, videogames, books. timewasters. things i didn't have an end goal with. non essential.
i havent been in school in months now, the semester ended in may, but i was in really rough shape when it ended.
i realized its the same sensation tho.
the same nausea and panic and rushing thoughts and feeling like i can't relax. the same anxiety.
its non essential things. its not productive. it's not safe. bad thing will happen if i do it.
..... but it wont.
bad things wont happen at all.
the only thing that'll happen is i'll enjoy myself.
i can even start and stop whenever i want. it's not a set time limit.
i can take however long i please, or go as fast as i want.
im beholden to nobody but myself, and myself is making me scared.
and idk how to make that stop.

 

i got through two chapters of the manga while taking notes and had to stop bc i got upset at myself and got a headache.
not gonna take notes anymore.
stress.
sad.
headache.
sad.
don't like this.
gonna try to read for fun tomorrow again. hopefully it's not such a huge production.
depressed.

 

con: ive been up all night bc i had an arrhythmia episode, my meds aren't helping my symptoms at all, and my cardiologist said there's nothing else he can offer me.
pro: i got a specialist appointment for a final dash of hope
con: its at 6:45am in late march

 

period started this afternoon so i guess that explains why i had such a visceral negative spiral about the bad news last night.

 

my deku and bakugou figurines were delivered this morning instead of tuesday and aaaaaaaa i love them so much they're such pretty figures ;w; someday i want one of the bigger bois, one of the investment bois, bakugou's specifically because of the expression he makes. i got enough happy energy from these things being delivered that i did my laundry, put away the Stack Of Books to the shelves even if they're not fully put away so the cats have their rest back in its entirety, am about to put my laundry AWAY (I know, who am I anymore) and might even get a shower in.

i also plan to art and write more. bc art and write tickles brain good.

it's raining most of the day now and keeps picking up when i wanna take my trash out which. nature i understand but at this rate im gonna run my ass out there in the rain while saying Fuck It bc i have shit to get rid of goddamnit.

 

feeling some kind of way, and i wish i had someone to just. sit down and talk to about this. i tried getting a social worker to help and she just sent me a link and i panicked and backed out and never did anything with it. my psych pointed out that any time i get tense out of nowhere its anxiety. which means i'm actually anxious a good deal of the time. i'm also still thinking about the future, and it's... very strange to try thinking of honestly. it makes me sad.

i can sign up for section 8 and maybe eventually get my own place to live, rent free, and then just handle utilities and such. i'm scared though, about what all will happen with that, and what I should do during that. I've got no idea what to expect. i want an adult to sit with me and answer questions because i don't understand what it entails, and there's so much info on the websites that i get overwhelmed and panicky.

i was told to remember that, at this point, college should be viewed as a Can/Want To as opposed to a Should/Must. I won't die if I don't get a college degree. it won't make me a better or worse person to have or not have one. it just deviates from what i've heard and planned and wanted for so long that i don't know what to do with myself without that frame.

i was also reminded that i do have skills. i can write, i can draw. i might even be able to get jobs with that stuff, jobs to support myself with. but even THAT scares me because I can't believe I'm skilled enough to manage anything like that for long enough to support myself. I've got no backups, no safety nets. If I make just enough I won't lose my benefits, but if i can make enough to support myself then sky's the limit? but what if i fuck up and can't keep it up :')

what happens if i get section 8 and then in the meantime get a job somehow or some kind of thing i can do?
i don't know.
i just don't know.
i feel overwhelmed and sad and confused.

 

back to sad today. ate too much, hate myself. generally feeling empty.
not sure if its all hangover from yesterday or if something else is up. can't tell.
watched a horror movie earlier, wasn't that good tbh.
trying to draw and keep failing. dunno if i can write.
just. stranded.

 

finished a big bnha piece earlier and like... im glad i finished it, but i didnt even get to enjoy it. my brain said it wasn't good enough.
im tired.

 

cried like a bitch in therapy. admitted just how little i felt about myself and how little i liked myself. kept tearing up and dripping at the nose the entire 45 minutes.
i have homework.
i'm supposed to make some plans for my future goals, careerwise. and relationshipwise, since i said i do indeed want one.
he said once you internalize a message, especially a negative one, it's impossible to get rid of. it lives there, it's taken root, it doesn't want to come out.
but you can swap it with something else equivalent exchange style.
so i just. need to start thinking of things i can swap my misery out with.
because being as i am is stressful and misery inducing.
and idk how to deal with that for much longer.
there was also discussion about like... how my current self loathing is me just taking in outside messages and internalizing them. which seems to check out.
the not being deserving of love and being ugly thing is from my mom and society at large.
the being unskilled thing is... im not sure where i got that from. i dont know if its my perfectionism speaking when i say im stupid and ignorant, because i'm not perfect at something when i try it.
i used to be so smart, but anymore it's just. so difficult. it makes no sense to me. math is over my head, and a lot of assignments from school were so intensely difficult for me to do.
it's still scary to think about. i'm gonna have to forcibly manage math AND another 2 semesters of italian to get the degree if i go back.
it's all scary. every bit of it is scary.
but it's a goal. it's a concrete goal i can work towards.
he pointed out there's a ton of new jobs i'd qualify for in hospitals that i could get with that degree, instead of going to the extra hassle of being certified as a therapist. things i could do from a desk.
things that would still help people a lot, and let me earn a living and get positive feedback from everything.
im gonna try to get back into exercising each day, bit by bit.
i need to do SOMETHING about my outward appearance, because i hate it so much and it's preventing me from doing things that might improve my quality and enjoyment of life.

 

my head hurts
im stressed
im sad
i feel empty and lost again even if ive got a shred of a plan now
nobody is online to talk to through this
im trying to draw and can't focus
i can't write bc i cant focus
im scared about the dentist tomorrow and the trip bc just walking to the dumpster made my shins ache like crazy, how will i reach the stupid bus and the office without hurting myself
i cant think