Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

the bus stop was already proving to be an ouch/sick walk but i made it. then the bus didnt go where maps said it went. i had to walk. a mile. to reach my dentist. i got a blister on my heel that makes me walk funny. then i got two root canals. then i was on my feet waiting for the bus to turn up to go home bc it was late and the original bus... went past where it was supposed to???? so whats the fucking truth columbus. then i got to sit next to a dude loudly talking to himself about wanting to hate crime lgbt folks while calling me a Female Homosexual bc of my haircut.

on second look, i dont have a blister, there is just straight up a second of heel thats Gone
like
back of ankle? gone. shaved off.

 

gonna casual cosplay at the mall tomorrow with my friend
and see World Heroes Mission if all goes well, too
i'm excited

 

maintenance is coming by tomorrow for fire alarm batteries and furnace filters and im fucking dying bc the entire house is absolutely fucking disgusting to the point of embarrassment and i want to die at the idea of anyone seeing it and i already know not a goddamn thing is going to change before they get here because my roommate can't focus on cleaning anything to save her fucking ass.

 

had a very good movie date with friend.
gonna clean tonight with roomie.
saw World Heroes Mission, and got a comic at the front desk. also got bnha fingerless gloves in deku colors at hot topic. wanted to buy several other things but i can just get them online if im dying for them lmfao. should keep my hands toasty in my room. and a "sounds gay im in" pride flag to hang over my bed instead of my genderqueer one. wanted more color and a change of pace before Zoom meetings happen in spring.

also am This Close to having to report someone on ao3.
i don't understand.
they've read almost all of my homestuck work, ive seen their name so many times in my comments
but Bakugou set them the fuck off to the point of dropping a rape comment unprompted in the comment section, while wishing he'd get hit by a train
and then continuing to talk about abuse in the next chapter till i told them to please stop reading and commenting.

they came back telling me i should probably tag for narcissism???? / romanticized narcissism??? for his canon personality?????????????
SO ABUSE SURVIVORS COULD KNOW NOT TO READ IT......
WHICH IS RICH GIVEN THE RAPE COMMENT.
i flashed my fucking trauma card and told them off, and point blank told them to stop interacting with my fic and me.
if they continue i'm reporting.

 

i forget i cant do things normally ;v; i was doing dishes bc they havent been touched in literal months at this point and roomie finally started on dissecting the cavern she's created in the living room of her stuff and garbage, and my mid back has seized on me

i can barely move
it was like white hot needles behind my eyes

 

so therapy went well, but my homework is. difficult. He wants me to think about a 5 year plan and I've got. no idea what realistic timelines are like, or what I want out of life, or what I could even imagine for myself that far out, let alone a year, or even a few months out. I'm flying by the seat of my pants daily in survival mode and time is fake. :U
this assignment is very Adult™️ and it's intimidating lmfao, I've got no idea how to approach it.

 

all ive eaten today is a bar of granola. i have a second one ready if the shakes come back.
a fucked up part of me wants to see how long i can last on minimal bars of granola.
whatever effects i get wont be long lasting, i know.
but i crave it all the same.
even though i know i probably wont last long as it is.
i just
want
to see

 

asking friend for advice bc feeling very bad about own art, get told all the reasons nobody pokes my stuff anymore compared to the current trends, proceed to die inside at top speeds while taking notes and trying not to cry.

it's... everything. everything is why nobody touches my stuff.
and looking at the things that DO get engagement, i see she's right.
i overline
i'm not loose enough with the linework/sketches
there's different coloring methods i could try
there's different everything i could try

i just want to shrivel up and die.
i'd never survive art school, first critique i'd start bawling and shaking and trying not to faint/throw up.

 

i showed a friends art, the one who got popular fast for some reason that i couldn't understand
and she pointed out that she has all of those things in her art
every last one of them
and she's just skyrocketed upwards while i mold down below with next to no engagement anymore and net 0 on twitter despite constantly pumping out content
and i dont understand
i just
dont get it
its like having this completed thing you worked on held up and looked at and then get to watch as someone balls it up and sets it on fire
and tells you to start again.
and keeps doing this till you learn the secret thing they want.

 

I really enjoy your art style, fwiw - it reads as very intricate and painstaking and almost like lino- or wood-cut. I think that I stead of trying to work against the style you already have, you should try leaning into those elements more heavily - look at the illustrations Colleen Doran did for Snow, Glass, Apples for instance. They make heavy use of very intricate design elements and so, so much beautiful and closed line art, very much not in the style which is intended for "maximum engagement" on social media. And it's absolutely stunning. I think you could make it work for you, too.

(Witnessed, btw. I post but rarely, and never art now.)

 

my cold is trying to migrate into my chest, as well as worsen in my sinuses.
everything is swelling and discomfort and coughing and oozing.
unpleasant.

 

im coughing so much there is blood in the toilet
and it ain't from a period
:') rip

 

my friend is a saint, they delivered thanksgiving to my doorstep ;w;
ive also apparently been adopted by their younger sibling
the food was absolutely delicious, i'm completely fucking stuffed to the gills
this entirely makes up for the 100% no sleep last night
i'm currently running on a 2.5 hour nap and sheer grubfuck rage

 

im kind of amazed at the no sleep thing like
the nyquil did NOTHING
it was like water
my face bones and teeth felt like they were breaking from the pressure.
i even took a super hot shower earlier: no change.

 

couldn't sleep.
not having cold symptoms anymore.
no nose blowing no nothing.
but i got real upset last night.
and tried to sleep it off.
and couldn't.
so that's fun.

 

found a marriage alert for my ex
im not too surprised considering he had a kid with this lady within a year of meeting her but like
bruh
why is it he can move on with his life and start fresh and im still fucking reeling and mentally shattered from the bullshit he pulled
where's the justice in that.

 

i pulled my back. again.
i sat on my ass on the floor in the living room earlier and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned.
rested.
took my own trash and kitty litter out, came back and lugged three handfuls of recycling to the car.
and my spine
said
no more

im taking painkiller and resting now but j f c this is annoying.

 

almost fell on way to the bathroom, my legs are committing mutiny too
gdi

 

did too much i guess. i can still barely move hours later.
i moved some recycling from my room to the car, and cleared part of my floor, and vacuumed half the floor before my legs almost gave out and i started crashing.
upset i couldn't do more.
upset i crashed.
upset i ate too much yesterday and then ate fast food today.
upset i can't read or think about studying without having an automatic anxiety response.
upset i couldn't draw or write today.
all i can do is lay here the last almost 4 hours wrapped in a blanket zoning in and out while my body throbs.

 

i realize i never mentioned how my trip to my friends went: i had an absolute fucking blast.
like.
i overdid it on the party night, too much exposure to people and talking and laughing and being upright. my body literally rebelled till i tapped out around midnight and went somewhere quiet to lay down alone for the evening. my throat was sore after i got home from talking and my face hurt, and my brain is still buzzing. i had so much fun. i miss them already.
but i did it.
i peopled.