Crow Puns And Other Bullshit

had a rough night last night for some reason. at like. 4ish pm my brain just took a hard left turn and didn't let up till i went to sleep and woke up this morning. still feels like walking on eggshells. this "live only for today and don't focus on the future because it'll overwhelm you" tactic is terrifying and so far not that effective lmfao i think I'm doing it wrong.

 

got a commission done. still need more if i'm gonna be able to get a new laptop eventually, but it's progress. i like getting commissions done, it always feels nice, even if they're few and far between. i can feel myself shutting down towards my stats class. ive got only a few weeks left but i feel so braindead i just. don't care anymore. i'm understanding and retaining less and i care less and less. i don't like math, i never have, but if i can pass and finish this then i'm free of it moving forward. just need to hold on a little longer.

anxiety's going hard tonight for some reason. not sure how to stop it. feel kind of hopeless and helpless.

 

soup gave me my will to live back today. made it on a whim after getting ingredients the other day.

1 package pork sausage
1 red onion diced up
several tiny potatoes cut up
1 green bell pepper diced up
2 cubes instant chicken broth
1 package pre-chopped mushrooms
1 can black beans
a bay leaf
salt, pepper, paprika to taste
enough water to cover ingredients fully

i stirred shit around and broke up the pork in the water before things even got boiling so it'd separate a lot. cover wok with lid, let cook on low temperature till shit's done. i gave mine around an hour and change before checking.

warm, satisfying, hearty without being Too Much. i think it'd go really great with noodles honestly.

 

roomie wound up adding:
- barley
- carrot
- another type of bean
- corn
- more bay leaves
- oregano


very tasty

 

God so much to do this week still... I need to do. ALL of my classwork. Need to try hustling for commissions more, but I'm not holding my breath. Therapy tomorrow so I need to be pondering what to talk about and what I can actually discuss while my roomies home/right in the next room. I need to finally finish my penpal letter and send it, journal... need to maybe tidy my room/put my clothes away finally. or at least try to. I NEED to move my bed and swap out this busted ass frame with the new one, I've had it for like a fucking year now and I haven't done it because it just seems Too Much To Process. but order of operations. remainder of room needs cleaned, floor needs vacuumed, THEN bed can be moved around. Need to work on my big bang fic too. Wanted to work on art....

ugh. no, the important thing is the classwork. that has a set due time. Therapy so long as I can get a checklist written down on topics I wanna touch on that should cut it.

Bleh. Feel overwhelmed. Feel very overwhelmed despite there being nothing to overwhelm me. I've been flustered since my roomie had her interview earlier and I've gone to get my eyes checked and I'm just. ..... I'm overwhelmed, I guess there's not a better word for it really. I just feel like crap right now, like my brain's buzzing. :/

 

had therapy. feel a bit calmer. got confirmation im not losing my fucking marbles. he reminded me that sometimes depression isn't caused by a specific event, it just... kinda biologically happens. and that in my case that might be what's happening, because I can feel my meds are doing their best but they're not able to combat all of it bc it's so intense. was also a little comforted to hear him point blank say "You've been dealt a spectacularly shitty hand in life but I'm confident you can make the most out of it". Just talking verbally about everything generally helped me feel a bit more grounded and alive, so that's good.

still need to do All my classwork. Need to just. pick a small task and start it so i can roll through them instead of sitting at the bottom of the mountain stressing out. still feel overwhelmed and my brain feels stressed and sad, but it's not all encompassing now. i'm hoping this means i'm on my way through the spell.

 

its stupid to go this route of thinking just because i can't get myself to work on my classwork for the first time this semester
but
i feel like i'd rather be dead right now honestly
im tired
my head hurts
im done

 

im going to manage to get my work done in time
bombed a quiz because i stopped taking notes very early in the semester, but i still have an 87% in the class so its whatever
i just need to pull together a case study and do another reply to a classmate by tonight, and then do 10 math questions and turn those in by tomorrow at midnight
i cant afford to fuck around next week though, there's a lot of intensive shit i need to be doing and staying on top of
i still feel kind of like everything's pointless but
therapist might have a point with the "you're already walking this direction what would it hurt to keep walking?"

 

i finished it all, turned it in, said Fuck It on how correct it was or not because i am thoroughly complete with doing these courses this semester now (esp the math dear god free me from math i never want to see math formulas again) and am free for the week. free tomorrow as well technically because i always give sunday as a free day for myself. can decompress. get brain back in functional order for the intensive shit i need to do for the week. also finished penpal letter id been dragging on for ages by just. apologizing and keeping it brief so i could get it done and sent finally bc ive been Trying to complete a letter for over a month and a half now. its all packaged and ready to go out tomorrow night to wait for the postman on monday to pick it up.

i feel so drained. i know most of it is the depression but i think at least some of it is "the semester is almost over" mental fatigue. looking forward to a few weeks break. excited for my next classes too tho, esp the one i was originally waitlisted for. looking forward to seeing how the lessons are.

plans for thanksgiving are secured. roomie and i are gonna get a roast chicken and make some tasty sides and nosh. weird to think it's probably my last holiday with her as my roomie. i don't even realistically know how often we'll ever talk once she does move? like... we talk a bit now but despite living together we don't rlly speak often at all and she's really inconsistent with actually responding to text on discord because she's so unfocused. so i guess i'll be having one less person to talk to in the future, considering even her long time friends and people she cares for very deeply rarely if ever hear from her unless they reach out to her first.

i need to clean my room but i feel overwhelmed still. trying to figure out how to sort that out so i can change out the bedframe finally. it HAS to happen soon, i want it done while i've got the extra help with the frame if needed. also need to shower, i'm gross.

 

got covid. sucks.

but got my new glasses just now bc my roomie picked them up and????? j e su s christ lmfao its so weird everything is super ultra HD, and it keeps occasionally feeling like im looking at the world through a fisheye lens but im not.

 

ive regained some of my taste and smell suddenly, and inhaled a plate of leftovers to celebrate. still very tired, still sleeping a lot.

 

tested again to see if i was freed. nope. still firmly positive and feeling it. ugh. here's hoping im not on the road to reinfection, considering my roomie is sick too with it now.

 

i have. a Fever suddenly. and the trotskies. and more fatigue. and have had to blow my nose a lot today.

if im reinfected im going to scream, ive been being careful.

 

3/6 classes entirely complete now. all that remains is 2 papers a math assignment im going to bullshit, and a math final im going to barely scrape by on and then be freed from the curse of math forever.

 

i am a free Ryn till January 8th now. hell yeah. had zero idea what i was doing on the stats final, was making wild guesses, because i systematically forgot every single thing i learned in the span of 2 weeks. but i SHOULD wind up with a c in that class bc of high grades leading up to the failure point. everything else is A or B. pleased.

therapy was rough. i felt like i didn't have enough to say, i kept being quiet and repetitive. stressed. but the main takeaways are "stop using should with myself" "get back into the journaling and dbt" "try to decompress as much as possible before the next semester" "try to control my narrative however i can so i feel less lost and scared"

easier said than done but i don't want to disappoint him.

 

my sleep apnea appointment is on the 14th and i honestly am so nervous they wont catch anything even if i KNOW something is wrong. please. please let them catch it.

 

result of sleep study: no sleep apnea. the throat closing ive experienced and the profound sleepiness is unrelated.

 

On this day in 2015, while living in Italy, I turned up so physically sick looking for a psych appointment on base that a Sargent asked if I needed to be wheeled forty feet to primary care because he was worried about me walking safely. I was that sick from walking to the bus, and walking to the clinic from the bus stop. On a VERY tiny base. Flat ground. Walking pace. I did my psych appointment, then still felt very ill, so I did a walk in appointment at primary care. While there, I asked to show the doctor my party trick. With the pulse ox on, I stood up, and showed the 140+bpm that happened any time I stood up. Mayhem. Immediate EKG. Immediate referral to Germany for specialist testing. Within a month I'd be formally diagnosed with POTS, the first of several diagnoses over the years, but the one with one of the biggest impacts on my life.

It's been nine years now since I've been formally diagnosed, and probably a good twenty that I've been showing symptoms in general. I am still like this. Even with medication controlling the worst of the tachycardia, the physical symptoms remain, leaving me looking like I'm in need of a hospital if I walk around too much. Too Much is a very small amount of time. It impairs everything I do. Every day is a struggle. I'm constantly terrified of what I'm going to do as I near graduation, and needing to do my training placement for my licensing and degree. How can I physically handle that when I can barely exist as it is? I'm terrified my degree will be worthless in the end because I won't be capable of doing the requirements, or of holding down a job in the end even with allowances. Treatment options are limited, and there's not much else to be done for me.
It's a very rough memory to have pop up, because it just drives home how difficult things have been for so long. A reminder that I'm not crazy, it's literally just been going on this long, that there's records this far back, proof. It's something I need to keep shouldering while trying to do my best with classes right now, because stopping is not an option, not till the lights go out and I have no other option left to me.

I want to do good things in this world, this life. I want to help others, and improve things around me. I just need to hope that through this struggle I'll come out even stronger than I am today, and that my problems will make me a better social worker in the end.

 

pots specialist dropped me because I live too far away from them to be seen repeatedly. i can't afford transport and lodging for half state away visits, i don't have a car. my options are limited to local only, but of course, there's not a single person locally who'll see pots patients. so we're kinda back to square one, dealing with the local GP and hoping for the best. therapist was very understanding, and kind of shocked as well as i was. frustrated. we talked back and forth about hope and realism for the future. it's looking like my senior year placement will be my measurement for if i can actually handle working in the field or not, so i'll know if i should pursue my masters or not. if i can't handle a personally assigned placement with allowances, then i may as well cut my losses and just focus on quality of life.

i don't even know what to feel right now. i'm just tired.

 

looking forward to going to the nice local produce store on Wednesday for their double advertisement day, because THIS weeks advert shows .50 avocados and cheap berries and i am all about that, and once next weeks kick in on top of them there'll be even more good things to consider. haven't gone in a hot minute but honestly i should be going more often, keep myself stocked with healthier food so i have no excises even if it's a bit tedious to prepare or remember exists before it goes bad bc Spoons.

also seeing my GP on the 30th and im nervous. i've not made much progress, i know i've gone BACKWARDS in some regards even, but she said she was more than happy to help me with my concerns so... ugh i just wish i could be a better human being and stop being the Bad Patient Who Isnt Following Orders, i feel so stupid and guilty over it. i have made SOME changes but not a ton like i literally need to. i just hope i haven't fucked my liver up worse than it already was. guess we'll see soon enough.

also need to make a dentist appt for the tooth pull and remaining cavities but amazingly i am not super enthused about doing that so im prolly gonna put that off till feb at the earliest.